a little piece of me

how do you genuinely like yourself and think that you are actually an okay person to start out with so the rest of the world who don't agree with what you think are just plain stupid?


i wonder because i for one really dislike myself. if you ask what i dislike about myself i'd most probably give a long list of things about me that i dont like about myself. then you'd wonder why the hell don't i just do something about those things instead of just complaining (sort of) about myself and not change a damn thing. well the truth is, i don't know. or maybe i do but i just dont want things to change so i can demean myself because i feel better doing that. makes me feel more less important to the world and in that way i can really appreciate the world...i mean to say something good about yourself is boasting right? i don't know.


i find myself having a great difficulty expressing what im really feeling at any moment in time. i try so hard each time to try and explain what im feeling and the more i try the more i just feel it's not coming out right and the more frustrated i get. so i shut up. i mean..if something you say just doesn't come out right, the best way is to just shut up right? maybe it's just me. i guess the problem is that i try to explain precisely what im feeling and giving answers like "fine" and "okay" is just not good enough for me. i guess it's the mercury in virgo. sometimes i just get so sick of trying. it's like today, i felt like crying so bad. but how to describe that to a person? naturally that person would want to know why right? but how when i don't know where to start and begin? i dont even know why this feeling came up. it just did. maybe all i needed was a little bit of attention. maybe all i needed was a big tight hug that lasts till i feel sufficiently feel better.


i feel that i have no backbone. i dont stand up for myself because i dont even know precisely what to stand up for. tell me im full of shit and you will find me agreeing with you. tell me im actually just like asscrap and that i lie about the things i said i will and will not do and internally i will agree with you. pride will make me defend myself weakly but i find i will not do it with conviction.


that's why i really admire people who can say " i like myself because..." and not feel a need to be ashame about anything.


im an introvert. and im starting to realise that i don't like being an introvert. what contradictions.


sigh...im so sick of myself. i want to say "hey im an okay person". but i just cant. shit. the more i type the more frustrated i become. forget it.

Signals over the air

FRIDAY!!! yay..


i feel so happy :)


it lasted the whole day :)


transcended from yesterday :)


haha...okay. shall stop being quite so irritating. but im in my talkative mood, if you cant tell by now (which means you don't really know me. but it doesn't matter. now you do. haha!!).


my dajie is going sydney to work la!!! so jealous. haha...at least now if she is going to migrate there i can at least have somewhere to spend my vacations. somemore don't need to pay for room fees. hahahahaha...but i know it is still too soon to say.


i was really happy yesterday too!! :) want to know WHY???? hehehe...don't tell you!!!


i think tomorrow i shall be happy too!! yay!! :)


im going to pass my blog test okay!!! im going make sure that happens.


targets:

economics: C (look like frowning face. maybe should change to D so it looks like grinning. haha...at least that'll make the marks happier. okay. lame.)

chemistry: C

math: C

gp: C5


okay. all the targets look like they are frowning. : C get it?


hmm...if i achieve this i'll be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy. then at least i can move on to greenerr pastures such as As. yeah man!


okay. have to put tremendous pressure for the first time so i can perform and show my TRUE talents!!! hahaha...


the next time i blog will be after my tests okay??? see you all again then!!! must wish me luck. >.<

thought like flames

the weekends are slipping through my fingers before i even realise it. sigh...yesterday night was fun though. i went to play pool with my brother and his friends. we played for like 2 hours plus. had a great time. after that we walked to a coffee shop near our house (together with his friends who came our house to play ps2). i made a fool of myself there man!! everything is captured on bing feng's phone. haha...being captured on phone video reminds me of something. haha...


i think i could get addicted to playing pool. that feeling of getting it right just gives a thrill. i mean, when you are someone who is good at nothing and knows nothing much, getting something right gives a great thrill. cooking can be counted as something that gives people the thrill i guess. but it's just different. i wonder if there ever is a cooking olympics? haha...that'll be cool. cooking as a sport. everyone of all ages can do this sport and it'll be a whole day of cooking show!! yay!! haha...i am having a craving for cooking shows. everyday it seems. i wish there is a channel for just cooking shows. 24 hours. i dont care if they repeat the epidodes. man...i think im sick. haha..


i feel like biting my nails. they are long now and they are giving me that craving. haha...shit.


okay. my erjie just caught me in the act of playing with my nails aka nibbling. she says it is a dirty habit. i guess she's right. but i cant stop!!! haha...they'll be gone by tomorrow.


alright. have lots of pending work to do. blog next time. >.<

chestnuts roasting on an open fire

i put my tagboard up again!! :) please feel free to tag.


i went out with gracelyn, hoting and tianwen today. had quite a fun time. we unbelievably spent 8 hours at tampines mall. haha...very relaxing day. just hung out around. wonder if there will be days like this in the future. my outlook is that there wont. isn't that always the case?


anyway.


my stomach is killing me!!! again!! must be the buffet lunch. but it is worth it i guess. haha...


oh oh oh!!! i bought 5 comics today!!!! i have finally come to the conclusion that i should only go to the shop once a year so when i go at least i won't be disappointed. :)


hmm...there is something i would like to say. i think this would stop everything and it won't be fun anymore but still. i realise from last year that i see christian (not you baby) everyday in school and even more so when im with jan. even in tampines mall!!! hmm...im serious. EVERYDAY. haha...how can it be so coincidental? last year it was worst. haha....every turn everywhere at least once a day. i don't even know this guy but i think he noticed it too. lately it has been happening again. it is very funny. ask jan. =D


how can people live with such long nails? i don't understand. i mean, they can't do so many things such as digging nose, scratching itchy spots because it will definately become worse (scratch the skin out instead of easing the itch), clench their fist to hard because they will probably hurt their palms, grab their partners when having sex because can you imagine how painful it will be?????? ouch. haha...reminds me of the tammy video. i haven't watched it yet but the word sex reminds me of it.


very poor thing leh. my friend who watched it said he could only see the guy's face. can you imagine if people recognise him in the streets??? "tammy video!!!" haha...poor thing. so know what the lesson is? don't ever make sex videos using the phone. use digital cameras instead. haha...what are the chances that you will bring it out and have it stolen? unless you are extremely careless or it is a very good brand and it looks very nice.


now playing: Nocturne For Violin And Piano by Federic Chopin.


sad sad song. you can sense that feeling of "back then", like he was reminising the past when he was composing this song.


sigh...all the serious classical songs are making me depressed. now playing is mozart's lacrimosa segment of the requiem mass. how do they come up with songs like these that are SO depressing? i don't understand. were they feeling very depressed?


oh but i like erik satie's "Gymnopedie no 1". it something i think i will never get bored of.


phew. okay.


blog more next time. :)