yesterday and today (is a huge difference to me. haha..)

okay. if you realise, im feeling high at this moment. haha.. dont know about later though. but for now.. :D


dont know why....haha..

always look for the silver lining

* WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS CONTENT THAT MAY DEPRESS OR IRRITATE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK *

periods. every girl has them (unless you're abnormal), and every now and then, it gets to them (again, unless you're abnormal).


for me, it is a very simple equation to predict my moods:

rate of mood swings during period = 2x normal days
and now, there is an addition of something new: cramps
hence the new equation is this:
rate of mood swings during period + cramps = unpredictable


happened to experience a high and then a low all in the matter of seconds today. mood has since not improved even after a nap. in fact, it has dulled my senses and made me feel even more lethargic. now, im feeling like reaally super SIAN. when i think of studying, all i can think about is the mahfan-ess of it, the feeling of loneliness that arises and the irritation at noisy stupid young brats.


i know i will snap out of it soon. this usually does not last. i merely just want to complain about something. and i know the blog will not talk back to me and will just absorb everything i need to say like a big never-ending sponge.


i hate cramps man. why does it have to hit me at such a old age????? i mean..hit me at 14 or 15 or 16 but not 18!!! dont ask me what's the logic behind this. i dont know. okay. focus on ability to look on the brightside... at least the magnitude of the cramps isn't so big???


arghhhhhhhh.........do not mess with somebody having period man. because you will never know what hit you when suddenly she turns into the "other person".


getting more irritated. shit. my blog-therapy is not working......


*SCREAMS IN DESPERATION*


what a way to die early...

almost blue

my results are out. not a significant improvement i must say. missed my goal mostly by like...sigh..close la. for maths and chem. as for my econs..sigh..okay. there's a grade jump only.


midyears:
F
F
F


prelims:
E
O
E


A levels?
A
B (i sincerely hope and am going to work towards this)
A


hmm....i can do it.

yesterday and today

hmm...just found out that D-A-I is splitting up. *gasp*


so sad...in case you're wondering, do as infinity is probably the inspiring band for FIR okay..haha..just want to bitch about SOMETHING.


got just a quarter of my grades back..they dont sound so good..on the brightside, i definitely improved though. but still. i want my Ds......not Es.......


need some...heh...when everything straightens out, i may have some news to tell. :D


but for now...sigh........................


*edit: okay. so im like damn slow. dai split up LAST YEAR at this time. so sad........and i didnt even know....all the while i thought they were still together...... such a depressing day..*

water wings

my cat ignored me for the first time in my life. hmm...okay. i think it's not. haha..but still.. it was pretty shocking to not see her when i open the door. at first i thought she was in the kitchen but no! haha..she was sitting in the comfy, cushioned starbucks chair we have and ignoring me!


but after she slept with me (heh..how that sounds), she accepted my caresses and pets again. hmm..doesnt sound right huh..haha..


anyway. i love her. she's my companion when there is no one. if you dont own an animal that walks on 4 legs, you wont understand what im talking about.


*i will try to be more rational. but please remind me if im going way out of line again okay?*

nocturne

chopin's songs are nice. :)


anyway, i watched my first m18 movie today. hmm...i dont look 18 so naturally they had to ask. haha..


it is the show "friends with money". hmm..it was a pretty depressing show la..basically just lots of honest exclamations of "FUCK!" and "fuck all of you!" haha..it is pretty refreshing to see and hear people on screen swearing with such honesty. i like it. :) hopefully the next time i watch another m18 show, i wont get asked.

2pac - changes

my love. for now. :)


sigh..he was so... hmm...wish i was older at that time so i would be able to appreciate him better. but the video is abit slow tho.

changes

ahh...


the day is ending with alarming alacrity. okay. i know the night's still young. but this also signifies that one day of my break is ending.


sigh..

way AWAY

WahHAHAHA....


never knew i'd so glad. haha.. anyway, i get to do WHATEVER I WANT for the next 4 days!!! hmm....never knew holidays would feel so good........


yay-ness... haha..


had a HUGE lunch-cum-dinner with darling psy (heh...) and later on, my brother. very expensive too :(


but still. i enjoyed myself. HOHOHOHOHO.........


going mad. but will you all still love me? *bats eyes* haha..

hate for the weak

i had a weird dream. (haha..since when are my dreams normal anyway)


i dreamt that i was married with 2 kids and we were all running away from somebody who wanted to kill us. it was weird because i realised that in any of the dreams i remembered, which are not many, i was always running with somebody and someone was always chasing us. today's dream was the first time i kinda remembered the faces of the people i was running with. they're people my mind came up with i guess..never seen them before. and today was the second time in a row that i dreamt of my father. both times he was acting out of character.


weird.

ji mo de ji jie

a lonely song for a lonely person..


hmm...today's math p2 was...something i dont really want to talk about. maybe i woke up at the wrong side of the bed. maybe, or rather, most probably, my period is coming. thus that explains the pms. i think i should stop before i drown myself in self-pity.


there's two more days of exams to go..the absolute worst day is tomorrow, with a double dose of economics. sian......... im really dreading it........


ahh...stress... a word people always use as commonly as the word love.


god...give me strength... i cant give up now.. (forgive me if this post and all the posts for the past 2 weeks sound a little dramatic. cant help it.. :l)

you're all i have

hmm...feel sad cuz snow patrol used to be my special band. now it's everybody's special band and i have to share them with everyone.


haha..i know how it sounds. but ...sigh.. that jonathan leong totally killed the song la.. and everyone thought he did justice to the song!!!


anyway...


tomorrow is another day of the exams and i totally dont feel prepared for them at all...


okay. gotta go.

feeling sufficiently cooled down, i was blog surfing and i came across a blog that was damn funny in a very...straight to your face kind of truth you know? haha..and here is an excerpt from his blog:

"Its okay

to be kissed

by a fool.

It is even okay

to kiss

a fool.

But never never never

be fooled

by a kiss"


i hope he doesnt mind.

gymnopedie #1

i hate econs. did i ever mentioned it before? it's probably the ONLY thing in this world right now that can singlehandedly bring out all my frustrations and make me feel like shit. stupid subject..sigh..i know i know...not the time to harbour secret hatred for something some smart old man came up with..i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it............................................


tried to spend some quality time with dear mr econs today...half the time my mind was somewhere else daydreaming about something that's probably not going to happen..i just dont understand..why is it that i can never understand what the questions are asking for and give the right answers and evalution? do i lack the intelligence? lacking in analytical skills? lacking in observation skills? WHAT AM I LACKING??????? sigh...going crazy...see what this thing can do to me..and the worse thing is that i let it affect me..


even the ultimate calming song for me didnt manage to get me focused and re-energised. focused and motivated i was yesterday, that i am not today..


I NEED TO FEEL THE FEELING OF ENLIGHTENMENT SOON!!!!!! otherwise it'll all be too late..... sigh...it's depressing me.... shall sleep early today. feel drained.


hoping for a better day tomorrow..wish me luck..

a beautiful plan

today did not go as i had planned. haha..hence the title. anyway, it's from a band called so they say. i think they're pretty nice..kinda radio-friendly. haha..not the noisy music you guys associate me with now okay..


tomorrow will be another day of planned studying..im becoming obsessed. just want to keep going on, finishing a paper..sigh..i cant believe im becoming like THIS!!!


oh. it's already tomorrow. ahhhh......!!! shit!

dive right in

the week is drawing to a close and another is approaching with the same ferocity and speed.


finished chem p2 today and there is...4 more papers to go. hmm...came out today with a smile. heh..not bad la..anyhow tikum and wrote rubbish but my paper looks filled so haha! unlike midyrs or block test where like 2 pages are empty and a waste of printed ink. okay la..so there are questions where i left blank but it's only like 2. haha..


dont know how i'd feel if the results come out being the same and completely different from what i expected.


okay. shant think about that now. hmm...going to watch my sis perfom with her band later at 12.30pm at SMU. if you're reading this now and are free later, drop by and take a look yeah? haha..promoting for my sis. havent heard them yet but i think they'll sound great. :)


*psychoing myself* math is my love! especially stats!


yeah baby!! haha..

the shot that cured

today was the first time i came out of a chem exam with a happy feeling. haha..i just have to not listen to what people wrote in their scripts so i can keep this feeling up. haha..it was depressing..they were talking about what should be and what shouldnt and it was depressing when my answers are like completely different. hmm..okay. stop. i dnot know why but i dont think i'll get F again. maybe an O or an E but not an F. just a feeling babY! haha..


tomorrow is math p1. funny how im feeling slightly more confident with each passing exam. haha..maybe it's too much. but who's complaining? haha..

thug mansion

i saw the biography of tupac shakur. cried like mad at the end of the show. haha..hmm..i think it's just temporary but im listening to his music now. hmm...lots of niggar, motherfu*ker, bitch..haha..i hope i dont unconsciously start going like," what's up biatch" haha..


am becoming a night owl. it's bad i think. anyway, i created an account at myspace.com. it's pretty cool la..it's like all the hardcore bands i like personally man their accounts and if you add them as your friends they just accept. haha.. okay. maybe im sounding a little geeky. haha..


prelims are coming but i feel a little numb already. it's bad right? im almost expecting to see the same results. haha...O, O, F. hmm..dont think i'll get the Fs again but the goal of mine, which is to get Ds seem pretty farfetched at this point.


must keep going on. because there is only one way at this point.


good luck everyone! heh..

this was what my erjie said of me:


a wonderful conversationalist
an intellectual mind
a sparkling wit
an innate ability to laugh at herself and the world
a pair of beautiful and honest eyes
a wonderful friend
an honest and untouched gem in a world of despair
a beautiful girl


=D


cheered me up it did. heh..love you darling. thanks for always being there whenever i need you. and yeah. i'll stop with the suicide thing. soon. haha..

sadness and sorrow

today was the first time i...


felt that the language of english was foreign,

can taste the meaning of suicide at the tip of my tongue,

realised that i want lots of attention,

know that my self-esteem is at the bottom of the bottomless pit,

feel stupid,

want to escape into the confines of music and a wonderful dream,

think it is a really bad time to be depressed.


all these because i think im going to fail gp. i might as well kill myself if i fail my A levels huh.


makes me wonder if im strong enough to ride this wave out. oh well...it's just a stupid exam. right?


Right.