Scar Tissue

today was one of de worst days i could ever
experience...i was so confused....cuz...i dno...
its like i jus feel so much animosity from
ppl...its realy confusin me...m i realy TT bad?
tt stuck up?my real frens...those whose
opinion REALY matter to me...

dis morn,wen my bro n i r goin to scool,i teased
my bro bout his hunch,tellin him tt he only started
dis bad habit wen he hung out wif ben...i even
"acted" out de way he walked in jest...i could tell
he was hurt...but still he lashed out angry words
tt realy realy hurt me...

he said tt goin out wif me is very pai seh...n tt i
always tink v highly of myself...he continued
sayin tt i dn care bout wat others tink...so i said
of course...why shld i care wat dey tink bout me
rite?he said tt he heard wat others say bout me
n he finally noe wat they r talkin bout...i got realy
upset...so i said do de ppl who say dis ACTUALLY
noe me?does he even noe me?he no longer talks
to me n he's willin to listen to wat OTHERS say
bout ME his REAL sister...den wen we got up de
bus,i couldn't shut my mouth so i continued sayin
tt i also heard ppl say tings bout him but i DO
defend him...n he only defend his "brothers"
cuz they r closer to him den i am...he kept quiet all
de way...but mind i add...he apologised later
durin recess...but his words r still fresh in my mind...

later in geo class,i unintentionally offended
shaun...i tink i hv an idea y...i tink its cuz he got
dis qn of his approved n was actin like his usual
self bein quite arrogant...so i jokinly said watever
la shaun...he was like huh a few times so i tht he
was jokin too...like usual...so i spelled out de word
n said he shld noe de word unless he failed eng...
he immediately said in chinese tt we shldnt b too
arrogant in a bu shuang tone...i knew he was upset
so i said i was only jokin but altho he said it was
ok i saw his face...it looked angry to me...seriously,i
dn wanna lose my frenship wif shaun...he's realy a
nice fren...later durin recess,i asked him again...
was he angry at me?he waved it away but din say
anythin much.....

after a while wen we were eatin,we found out tt 4/1
hv to come back to scool on teachers' day...i commented
tt de teacher was v hardworkin n jia xin said tt mdm
zakiah is nv hardworkin...in reply i said tt even if she
is n ask us to come back she'll still b complainin...well...
she said woah u realy offended a lot of ppl today...i lost
my appetite completely...i threw away my food n drink...

wen we were linin up i was realy confused...y would
anybody say bad tings bout me...y wld shaun say tt?n y
do ppl dislike me...in a detached view i tink im a fairly
nice person to talk to so y...lt is bein so...i dno...aloof
towards me...i dn tink im bein paranoid...i've gettin dis
kinda attitude for almost a week now...y....wat did i do....
we nv had any arguments or anythin....anyway i got realy
affected n cried a bit while we were linin up...tink its cuz
of my period...its comin soon...

kamal was bein real nice today...after recess he saw my face
n asked me wat had happened...i confided in him n felt
bit better....along de way i teared up sum more...so rite
nw im still confused...jus wish to get out of dis bloody
fucked up scool wif its fucked up ppl n nv come back...
unless if i were to visit mrs liew or de band...as for lt n jx
im no longer goin to say anythin cept pleasantries...did i
get tt spellin rite?anyway....so yea....tt's wat im goin to
do till i graduate...their opinions will no longer matter to
me...i dnt care if both of u tink im pushin darrel too hard
n disapprove of it...if u dn like it den push off...he doesnt
mind...tts wat's important...

so...now...i jus cant wait for all these to end...now i noe
tt i can belong to nowher...sad but tru...pri scool till
now...tink i shld jus get used to it...

wat a fucked up world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!