If I had A hammer

i bet there are people who hate me...i really wish i can grow up and forgo this stage of growth totally. the seven months seemed like a complete dream. it had never happened. for past year i have been sleeping and making that dream up. i wish for the total eradication of the pain. i wish for the feeling to finalisation. i wish this didn't end so near promos. i wish i didn't have an exam to worry about and just concentrate on healing. i wish i had a heart of steel so i can stop caring totally and stop making a fool of myself. i wish i was an ice-queen. i wish i could control my emotions well. i wish i wish i wish...i wish i could find peace with myself. i wish i can forgive myself. i wish i can stop hurting the people i love. i wish i wasn't such a loner. i wish i can stop being so selfish and self-centered. i wish i can stop wasting people's time. i wish i knew how to stop. i wish i knew myself. i wish i knew what i want. i wish all my wishes could all come true.


im losing my identity. who am i?


i know only i can find it out myself. but right now, i feel like a total bitch who's no better than someone i despise totally. i have no backbone. i have no thoughts of my own. where is the previously supposedly strong person whom i always thought myelf to be? why am i being replaced by a coward who calls others a coward and don't mean what i say? when have i become such a two faced hypocrite? why am i always saying things to seek the attention of people? i wish i can stop. i don't want to give up because i want to be strong. emotionally and mentally. i want to stand up and proudly say that i did things my way. i don't want to go school and start shivering from fright and nervousness. i want to be happy. i don't my mouth to always look like this --> =( . i want to remain unknown to the people in my school...someone not at all important so i can pass my life quietly. i wish to pass promos.


i don't want to be such a failure.


i don't want to be a weakling.


i have to face the consequences for writing such a venomous entry. i have to face the fact that we are NEVER going to be back together because i had probably ruined whatever chance i had whenever i write something especially to hurt him on my blog. i have to face the fact that he doesn't want me anymore and i'll just be someone who had hurt him so much. this is a fact. i have to face it and move on. i can't be stuck here forever. i wish we could have a heart to heart talk like last time. but that's the point isn't it? things are never going to go back to like last time. he probably finds me such an irritant. things can't be undone once done. the only way i can go about doing it is to move my focus to something else...


it's raining heavily now...something that is rare...


i wish i can adhere to what im saying.


is there anyone out there willing to kill me or if not kill then hit me till i pass out from the pain? i think physical pain will be more bearable than emotional pain.


i have wasted time. again.


sigh...


will blog more next time.