reflection

before i start with my actual post, i would like to tell you my results. im not showing off or anything. i just thought i would make it more convenient for people who would like to know what i got.


i got..


ABCC6 for MCEGP.


i think these are the maximum grades i could get given the amount of effort i had put in. so i am not unhappy nor am i feeling euphoric. i just feel...nothing. nothing special. nothing i should be proud of.
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i am feeling angry again. over nothing. so it seems.


my heart is not at peace. and i would like to know why.


anyway, i realised that i am making up my mind over lots of things everyday.


i realised that i do not want to arrange my life around somebody else's so that his life can be more simple. it is making me unhappy.


i realised that i shouldn't really care about what others say about me. because they dont know me. even if i really like them. unless of course..you are a somebody to me - like you have known me for more than 5 years or spent lots of time around me. because i realised that people tend to just see one side of things as it is easier that way. listening to people, who dont really know you, talk about you is going to hurt. so yeah. i will stop caring.


i realised that my family is still the number one thing in my life. and no one is going to change my mind about it.


i realised that i want to form my own opinion about things instead of taking other people's opinions as it is. as 'duh' as it sounds, i will not listen to the opinions and take it like the person is some god.


i realised that expecting too much from a person is going to give me constant heart pain. so instead, i will withdraw and expect only the minimum. that way, i can be easily contented.


i realised that i need some external help in calming my mind down. not some psychologist mind you. i was thinking more like taking buddhist teachings or taking meditative yoga or something similar.


being frustrated at almost nothing is driving me crazy. having somebody in my life who doesnt understand or doesnt have the time to understand what im feeling is making me even more frustrated.


another thing. please try to enlighten me. what would you do if your mother is sick and she doesnt want to see a doctor? would you (a) drag her to one and instead of gratitude you get unhappiness from her, (b) argue with her, or (c) just leave her be because, hey, that's her choice. what would you do. really.