Saturday, October 29, 2005
Friday, October 28, 2005
The Unheard Voice
HOME.
away from all the people i don't want to see.
my sanctuary.
hmm......
got my results...have to drop one subject but im totally fine with it...im not dropping econs, unfortunately. haha...
it's such a sad case la...my results...it spells BODO. hahahahahaha....hmm...
it is an improvement from my midyears. =) [a bit rubbishy la...haha...my mom was like "huh? no F ah?" -_-"]
i have a plan for my future. i want to go into business and join venture with my sister. then, we'll have a family business. =) my mom agrees on it. i think my dad will be more than happy to join in. haha...
i know what i want now. and that is to get all As for my A level. i know i can do it. and i know i want it. so im not going to get distracted. please all...help me remember i said this so all of you can remind me what is it that i want. haha...
HOLIDAYS ARE APPROACHING!!!!! cant wait...it'll be heaven for one and a half months. hmm...HEAVEN...pure bliss...sigh...cant wait....
away from all the people i don't want to see.
my sanctuary.
hmm......
got my results...have to drop one subject but im totally fine with it...im not dropping econs, unfortunately. haha...
it's such a sad case la...my results...it spells BODO. hahahahahaha....hmm...
it is an improvement from my midyears. =) [a bit rubbishy la...haha...my mom was like "huh? no F ah?" -_-"]
i have a plan for my future. i want to go into business and join venture with my sister. then, we'll have a family business. =) my mom agrees on it. i think my dad will be more than happy to join in. haha...
i know what i want now. and that is to get all As for my A level. i know i can do it. and i know i want it. so im not going to get distracted. please all...help me remember i said this so all of you can remind me what is it that i want. haha...
HOLIDAYS ARE APPROACHING!!!!! cant wait...it'll be heaven for one and a half months. hmm...HEAVEN...pure bliss...sigh...cant wait....
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Crimson and clover
i had an unusal evening. =)
i went airport bk to study. had a genuine interest in those little irritating characters in the chinese book.
now that i think about it, i think i can predict the rain, man! hahahaha...yeah right...so to prevent myself from getting caught in it. hmm...perhaps it was some super natural being guiding my evening.
anyway.
creepy...now it's pouring like nobody's business. hmm...
i had stomachache after my bk meal, which was highly unusual as i don't think i had EVER had stomachache after a bk burger. going to the toilet didn't solve ANYTHING. and so, i packed up and went home. in time to watch that very wuliao but funny 9pm show.
now, im sitting here listening to the thunder and heavy rain, i feel as if God was teling me to go home before i get caught in this. i was planning to stay there till 10. creepy huh...
=D
results tomorrow!!!!!!
=) cant wait!!
hehehehehehehehehehehehehe.......................
hmm...did i do something wrong? why do i feel as i did something wrong?? hmm...
im still thinking about the SAME thing!!!! argh!!!! going mad...i need a new interest to occupy my mind! =) a new...interest. haha!! something to take my mind off this thing im thinking about EVERYDAY. 2006 is coming...im turning 18 soon!!! in another...10 months, 26 days, 2 hours and 38 minutes!!! =)
SOON.
i went airport bk to study. had a genuine interest in those little irritating characters in the chinese book.
now that i think about it, i think i can predict the rain, man! hahahaha...yeah right...so to prevent myself from getting caught in it. hmm...perhaps it was some super natural being guiding my evening.
anyway.
creepy...now it's pouring like nobody's business. hmm...
i had stomachache after my bk meal, which was highly unusual as i don't think i had EVER had stomachache after a bk burger. going to the toilet didn't solve ANYTHING. and so, i packed up and went home. in time to watch that very wuliao but funny 9pm show.
now, im sitting here listening to the thunder and heavy rain, i feel as if God was teling me to go home before i get caught in this. i was planning to stay there till 10. creepy huh...
=D
results tomorrow!!!!!!
=) cant wait!!
hehehehehehehehehehehehehe.......................
hmm...did i do something wrong? why do i feel as i did something wrong?? hmm...
im still thinking about the SAME thing!!!! argh!!!! going mad...i need a new interest to occupy my mind! =) a new...interest. haha!! something to take my mind off this thing im thinking about EVERYDAY. 2006 is coming...im turning 18 soon!!! in another...10 months, 26 days, 2 hours and 38 minutes!!! =)
SOON.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Jumper
had a semi-okay day.
love my mom.
she said i shouldn't go for guys who are too tall because im very short. hrmph!!
she said to go for guys who are about my father's height.
AS IF!!!!!! (my dad is short..haha...)
anyway,
my mind is swimming around one point again...over and over and over again...hmm...
i think i will change that big collage. i (just) realised that my blog is a public thing and now everyone who don't know me will have a rough idea what my life was and is like.
back to the sky it shall be!
=)
im very slow. haha...as in...if you tell me a joke, i'll laugh. 5 minutes later. haha...alright. im realllly crappy man...ask cherlyn. she'll tell you. haha!
you know...i find typing like ThiS VEry tirINg...hMM...neVEr TrieD BEfOre AcTuALLY...
oh my gosh...haha...i actually typed like THiS...HAHA!!!! okay. i was doing the self-amusing thing.
OP!! *vomits*
love my mom.
she said i shouldn't go for guys who are too tall because im very short. hrmph!!
she said to go for guys who are about my father's height.
AS IF!!!!!! (my dad is short..haha...)
anyway,
my mind is swimming around one point again...over and over and over again...hmm...
i think i will change that big collage. i (just) realised that my blog is a public thing and now everyone who don't know me will have a rough idea what my life was and is like.
back to the sky it shall be!
=)
im very slow. haha...as in...if you tell me a joke, i'll laugh. 5 minutes later. haha...alright. im realllly crappy man...ask cherlyn. she'll tell you. haha!
you know...i find typing like ThiS VEry tirINg...hMM...neVEr TrieD BEfOre AcTuALLY...
oh my gosh...haha...i actually typed like THiS...HAHA!!!! okay. i was doing the self-amusing thing.
OP!! *vomits*
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Slow Motion
help.
im SO bored.
nothing to do.
don't want to study chinese. but listening to chinese songs.
i want to go out.
argh!!!
so bored............................................................
im SO bored.
nothing to do.
don't want to study chinese. but listening to chinese songs.
i want to go out.
argh!!!
so bored............................................................
Wet Wet Wet
i woke up from my nap to sounds of thunder and heavy rain.
went out to check my windows to find a semi-flooded hallway.
what the ...
don't know what made God flood my house man...
my hands now smell of rags. yuck...
i want to go out but...sigh...
went out to check my windows to find a semi-flooded hallway.
what the ...
don't know what made God flood my house man...
my hands now smell of rags. yuck...
i want to go out but...sigh...
im walking away
im not going to regret meeting you.
in fact, im going to thank you.
for making the first move to begin and end our relationship.
thanks to you, im a better person now. im going to be forever grateful that you broke up with me because if you didn't, i'd most probably fail my promos now. also, thanks for being such an ass today. you helped fasten the process of me getting over you. you don't matter anymore. just like i don't matter to you anymore.
i was really happy this morning because i realised you don't matter at all to me. but you just had to ruin it for me. thanks. you made me realise that perhaps you didn't really love me at all. because if you did, and even if you no longer love me, you'd not want me to be unhappy. thanks a lot.
im not trying to be sarcastic.
im going to be a much better person now, thanks to you, and im going to get As for A level next year, also thanks to you.
you opened my eyes to alot of things and i learned a lot, being with you.
took me a long time but i can now close this chapter of my life and make a new one. thank you, augustine, for everything.
oh and one more thing: sorry for putting up your picture without your permission.
(i cant help being such a drama queen. haha!!)
in fact, im going to thank you.
for making the first move to begin and end our relationship.
thanks to you, im a better person now. im going to be forever grateful that you broke up with me because if you didn't, i'd most probably fail my promos now. also, thanks for being such an ass today. you helped fasten the process of me getting over you. you don't matter anymore. just like i don't matter to you anymore.
i was really happy this morning because i realised you don't matter at all to me. but you just had to ruin it for me. thanks. you made me realise that perhaps you didn't really love me at all. because if you did, and even if you no longer love me, you'd not want me to be unhappy. thanks a lot.
im not trying to be sarcastic.
im going to be a much better person now, thanks to you, and im going to get As for A level next year, also thanks to you.
you opened my eyes to alot of things and i learned a lot, being with you.
took me a long time but i can now close this chapter of my life and make a new one. thank you, augustine, for everything.
oh and one more thing: sorry for putting up your picture without your permission.
(i cant help being such a drama queen. haha!!)
Monday, October 24, 2005
Blue and Yellow
okay...i know it's abit lame...blogging 3 times for today. but chrono cross broke down and i don't feel like playing ffX.
i was reading my past entries and i want to blog about my results. haha!!
erm...first of all, i PASSED chinese. haha!!! the teacher must be like the NICEST teacher around la!!! haha...my chinese compo which i thought was going to fail MISERABLY, passed with a 43/70!!! i cant (still) believe it la!! haha....thus my overall chinese pass. weird...haha...
my chem---MIRACLE---obtained 41/100. I WAS EXPECTING A F!!! i think overall i'll get an O. ha! (oh this is an O by the way...the marks above) im VERY happy la!!!! FIRST time in my ENTIRE year i got an O for chem. =D and i didn't do like 40 marks worth of questions.
my bio is just as i expected...haha...an O.
my math...a bit of a disappointment...if you were me that is...i didn't get the A i wanted due to some VERY careless mistakes...i got a B instead. sigh...haha...okay. will cut the crap.
gp...will always be mantained at a C6. haha...
OH OH OH...ECONS...
remember i said i only wrote 2 essays?? what a miracle. i passed these 2 essays la!! haha...though very marginally. 27/50 (2 essays). haha...still, i passed. HAHAHA...enough to make me very happy. i got an O for the promos but i think adding midyears and CA i'll get a D or an E. =D
overall, i am VERY VERY grateful for the teachers being SO kind. i mean...i REALLY thought i was going to FAIL and get RETAINED.
hmm....waiting for results slip, which is THIS FRIDAY.
YAY!!! IM GOING TO BE PROMOTED!!!!!!!!!
(i know im abit slow...promos was over like 3 weeks ago and i got my results erm...2 weeks ago? hmm...or was it just last week??? can't remember...)
hmm...if i only studied like a few weeks before promos and still get results like this (very satisfactory in my opinion....haha....im easily satisfied and easily made happy. =D), imagine i study HARD a few MONTHS before! hahahahaha....i'll get VERY VERY VERY satisfying results. haha...okay. being lame.
it's raining!!
love the rain.
im really over him. im so glad. okay. just have to continue not looking at him. very very soon i won't even care about what shit he does or what he feels. SOON. cant wait for that day!!
cant wait for WORK!!!
i was telling my mom this morning that maybe we should plan a trip to hongkong during christmas!!! =) have to work hard so we can get the MONEY to go!! =) can't wait!!!
okay. i can't wait for SO many things. hmm...
WORK!!! MONEY!!! HOLIDAY!!!!!!!!!
i was reading my past entries and i want to blog about my results. haha!!
erm...first of all, i PASSED chinese. haha!!! the teacher must be like the NICEST teacher around la!!! haha...my chinese compo which i thought was going to fail MISERABLY, passed with a 43/70!!! i cant (still) believe it la!! haha....thus my overall chinese pass. weird...haha...
my chem---MIRACLE---obtained 41/100. I WAS EXPECTING A F!!! i think overall i'll get an O. ha! (oh this is an O by the way...the marks above) im VERY happy la!!!! FIRST time in my ENTIRE year i got an O for chem. =D and i didn't do like 40 marks worth of questions.
my bio is just as i expected...haha...an O.
my math...a bit of a disappointment...if you were me that is...i didn't get the A i wanted due to some VERY careless mistakes...i got a B instead. sigh...haha...okay. will cut the crap.
gp...will always be mantained at a C6. haha...
OH OH OH...ECONS...
remember i said i only wrote 2 essays?? what a miracle. i passed these 2 essays la!! haha...though very marginally. 27/50 (2 essays). haha...still, i passed. HAHAHA...enough to make me very happy. i got an O for the promos but i think adding midyears and CA i'll get a D or an E. =D
overall, i am VERY VERY grateful for the teachers being SO kind. i mean...i REALLY thought i was going to FAIL and get RETAINED.
hmm....waiting for results slip, which is THIS FRIDAY.
YAY!!! IM GOING TO BE PROMOTED!!!!!!!!!
(i know im abit slow...promos was over like 3 weeks ago and i got my results erm...2 weeks ago? hmm...or was it just last week??? can't remember...)
hmm...if i only studied like a few weeks before promos and still get results like this (very satisfactory in my opinion....haha....im easily satisfied and easily made happy. =D), imagine i study HARD a few MONTHS before! hahahahaha....i'll get VERY VERY VERY satisfying results. haha...okay. being lame.
it's raining!!
love the rain.
im really over him. im so glad. okay. just have to continue not looking at him. very very soon i won't even care about what shit he does or what he feels. SOON. cant wait for that day!!
cant wait for WORK!!!
i was telling my mom this morning that maybe we should plan a trip to hongkong during christmas!!! =) have to work hard so we can get the MONEY to go!! =) can't wait!!!
okay. i can't wait for SO many things. hmm...
WORK!!! MONEY!!! HOLIDAY!!!!!!!!!
Deep inside of you
i like this song. though the title raises my own eyebrows. haha...
i think the collage is over-stretched a bit hor...hmm...but it suits the music. haha...the music is like some feel good music meant for happy reminising.
i like the pictures up there on the collage because they have nice pictures of me (obviously!! haha...by now you should know im a vain pot) and also because they mean something to me. erm...perhaps not ALL of them...haha..
im finally moving on. im happy to know that. thus this collage is going to stay there until i tire of it and feel-music is going to stay! haha...=)
i had a good year. 2005. but im definately not going to miss it.
i think the collage is over-stretched a bit hor...hmm...but it suits the music. haha...the music is like some feel good music meant for happy reminising.
i like the pictures up there on the collage because they have nice pictures of me (obviously!! haha...by now you should know im a vain pot) and also because they mean something to me. erm...perhaps not ALL of them...haha..
im finally moving on. im happy to know that. thus this collage is going to stay there until i tire of it and feel-music is going to stay! haha...=)
i had a good year. 2005. but im definately not going to miss it.
Semi charmed life
okay. so according to anonymous he didn't go with anyone. okay. point taken. thanks for telling me? okay. what the hell...
please holidays....come faster so i can get out of this FREAKING school and WORK. without distractions...without EVER seeing him...with or without other girls.
okay.
this is not going to affect me so.
im going to play chrono cross now. jan lend me the disks today. YAY...=) haha...
a desperate attempt to keep myself busy.
please holidays....come faster so i can get out of this FREAKING school and WORK. without distractions...without EVER seeing him...with or without other girls.
okay.
this is not going to affect me so.
im going to play chrono cross now. jan lend me the disks today. YAY...=) haha...
a desperate attempt to keep myself busy.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Sometimes
i realised that my singing is TERRIBLE!!!! haha...
oh man...very terrible...
i think my song is very childish...haha...i know...i want to thank farhan and shaun for flattering me so...but i think the more i hear it the more sick of it i get.
hmm...im back to hard alternatives. damien rice irritates me now. haha...hope i'll never get the craving for damien rice anytime soon. maybe the next century or so?? haha...
also, thanks to my dajie, im a bit hooked on chinese songs too...like tao ze, xie ting feng (yes, i like him), and...hmm...that's all for now. oh well...tao ze and xie ting feng are actually singers whom i liked all along...as in..i don't listen to their tracks often (like...once every 2 years...haha..) but they are always at the back of my brain. know what i mean???
anyway.
i don't think i want to be attached anytime soon too...it's too difficult...the breakup...especially when you realise that after you breakup, your partner finds someone else so soon...sigh...can't say im that desirable...sigh...why cant i be the one who finds someone else soon after i break up with someone else?
okay...talking crap here...
i've managed to let go...just cant handle seeing him with valencia. edit: yet.
CANNOT WAIT FOR SCHOOL TO END AND WORK TO START!!!!!!!!!!! =)
sigh............
alone again...naturally.
oh man...very terrible...
i think my song is very childish...haha...i know...i want to thank farhan and shaun for flattering me so...but i think the more i hear it the more sick of it i get.
hmm...im back to hard alternatives. damien rice irritates me now. haha...hope i'll never get the craving for damien rice anytime soon. maybe the next century or so?? haha...
also, thanks to my dajie, im a bit hooked on chinese songs too...like tao ze, xie ting feng (yes, i like him), and...hmm...that's all for now. oh well...tao ze and xie ting feng are actually singers whom i liked all along...as in..i don't listen to their tracks often (like...once every 2 years...haha..) but they are always at the back of my brain. know what i mean???
anyway.
i don't think i want to be attached anytime soon too...it's too difficult...the breakup...especially when you realise that after you breakup, your partner finds someone else so soon...sigh...can't say im that desirable...sigh...why cant i be the one who finds someone else soon after i break up with someone else?
okay...talking crap here...
i've managed to let go...just cant handle seeing him with valencia. edit: yet.
CANNOT WAIT FOR SCHOOL TO END AND WORK TO START!!!!!!!!!!! =)
sigh............
alone again...naturally.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Heal
a new song i wrote. ha...wish i could sing it and play it on my blog. then no one will come read my entries anymore because i sound so horrible. ha...
long long time ago
i saw you walking past me
i was mesmerised by your smile
when we got together
i cried many many times
but i broke your heart
im really sorry sorry
but i wish you never met me baby
but i wish you never saw me darling
why...did this happen?
everytime i turn around i see you standing there
why...did this happen?
everytime i open my eyes i see you with her..
oh why why...
please...let me heal baby
oh god
please give me some peace
why...did ths happen?
everytime i turn around i see you standing there
why...did this happen?
everytime i open my eyes i see you with her
oh why why...
cant i heal properly
long long time ago
i saw you walking past me
i was mesmermised by your smile...
long long time ago
i saw you walking past me
i was mesmerised by your smile
when we got together
i cried many many times
but i broke your heart
im really sorry sorry
but i wish you never met me baby
but i wish you never saw me darling
why...did this happen?
everytime i turn around i see you standing there
why...did this happen?
everytime i open my eyes i see you with her..
oh why why...
please...let me heal baby
oh god
please give me some peace
why...did ths happen?
everytime i turn around i see you standing there
why...did this happen?
everytime i open my eyes i see you with her
oh why why...
cant i heal properly
long long time ago
i saw you walking past me
i was mesmermised by your smile...
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
i know it's a bit ridiculous but i just want to put in my 2 cents worth.
over the night, i realise that all i ever wanted him to be was to be happy and now that he is, im happy too.
okay. i know that sounds a bit like..huh??...i caused him so much pain it seems almost deliberate and now im saying this??
when we were together, i kept thinking that meeting me was his downfall. i kept thinking that i was unable to make him happy and all i could do was to cause him pain. that was why i kept wanting to break up with him and all that. but i guess that thought proved true because the fact is i WAS unable to make him happy because how could i when i was so unhappy all the time?
even after we broke up, i continued to be selfish. i just couldn't separate between a "Real" breakup and a "Temporary" breakup. my brain kept thinking this is a breakup and how to get over it while my heart was thinking we'll get back together.
oh well...whatever "temporary" it was, i made it permanent.
all that blog entries and that returning of all the things he gave me...it was all a selfish act. i know it's too late to only realise this now. but i guess i'll not do all these next time with other guys...(when there actually is a next time...haha...)
for what it's worth, im sorry augustine for being unable to make you happy. even after we broke up. and for being SO slow in my thinking.
i hope some day he will forgive me...though i realise now that it will be impossible to within a short time.
no more being plagued by unhappiness!
GO AUGUSTINE!! =)
(ha...i know this entry will not make any impact or difference. i just want to put in my 2 cents worth.)
oh!! i also realise now that this is THE FIRST time im puttng myself in his shoes and thinking from his point of view. hmm...
im going to change. help me people!! =)
over the night, i realise that all i ever wanted him to be was to be happy and now that he is, im happy too.
okay. i know that sounds a bit like..huh??...i caused him so much pain it seems almost deliberate and now im saying this??
when we were together, i kept thinking that meeting me was his downfall. i kept thinking that i was unable to make him happy and all i could do was to cause him pain. that was why i kept wanting to break up with him and all that. but i guess that thought proved true because the fact is i WAS unable to make him happy because how could i when i was so unhappy all the time?
even after we broke up, i continued to be selfish. i just couldn't separate between a "Real" breakup and a "Temporary" breakup. my brain kept thinking this is a breakup and how to get over it while my heart was thinking we'll get back together.
oh well...whatever "temporary" it was, i made it permanent.
all that blog entries and that returning of all the things he gave me...it was all a selfish act. i know it's too late to only realise this now. but i guess i'll not do all these next time with other guys...(when there actually is a next time...haha...)
for what it's worth, im sorry augustine for being unable to make you happy. even after we broke up. and for being SO slow in my thinking.
i hope some day he will forgive me...though i realise now that it will be impossible to within a short time.
no more being plagued by unhappiness!
GO AUGUSTINE!! =)
(ha...i know this entry will not make any impact or difference. i just want to put in my 2 cents worth.)
oh!! i also realise now that this is THE FIRST time im puttng myself in his shoes and thinking from his point of view. hmm...
im going to change. help me people!! =)
Monday, October 17, 2005
how's it gonna be?
ive stayed away from the com for the past few days now...
i dont know what my mind is thinking now. he's moved on and has found someone else. someone much better...im sure of it...haha...a bit like duh!...why whould he settle for someone worse right...
i did so much wrong...i guess the only thing i can do now is to really change my attitude.
i wonder how much time can heal...i wonder...
i dislike how i sound. but i guess that is how i sound in real life right? irritating and annoying.
i want to change. that's why im not going to blog any longer. it's bad...
i hate myself.
ha.
i wish i knew myself. but i don't. i wish im happy. but im not. all i can do now is wait. for the sun to shine again.
i dont know what my mind is thinking now. he's moved on and has found someone else. someone much better...im sure of it...haha...a bit like duh!...why whould he settle for someone worse right...
i did so much wrong...i guess the only thing i can do now is to really change my attitude.
i wonder how much time can heal...i wonder...
i dislike how i sound. but i guess that is how i sound in real life right? irritating and annoying.
i want to change. that's why im not going to blog any longer. it's bad...
i hate myself.
ha.
i wish i knew myself. but i don't. i wish im happy. but im not. all i can do now is wait. for the sun to shine again.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
How's it gonna be?
haha!!!!!!!!!!!
=D
i did some heavy splurging today!!!!!!!!!!!
but retail therapy REALLY works. haha...
i went out with yiyun today!!! =)
oh man....
i can't wait to work!!!!!!! MONEY MONEY MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hahahahahaha................
i can't wait to buy that $100 shoe i saw on sunday and today. oh man.......oh man....it was SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!! oh man......ohhohohohoho......................=D
it's either that or the $36 one from charles and keith. hmm.....but the $100 shoe is SO much NICER!!!!! and it makes me SO MUCH TALLER!!!!!!!!! haha........okay...im a bit crazy.....i don't think i can wait anymore....oh.....anyone willing to give an EARLY christmas present???????? hahahahaha....it's actually just $99.90. the brand is called Nova and it's beside mango in suntec. the shoes is sigh...what i dream about.....so sad.....i can't WAIT to earn that MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hmm....i still have one and a half month before i can work....sigh...i hope that shoes remain UNTOUCHED!!!!!!!
anyway.
i bought 5 comics and a pair of pants today!!!!!! the pants is from mango. that's where the splurging comes from...that pants was the EX factor!!!!!!!! but it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nice....that i couldn't resist....sigh...haha..it's white and BEEEEAUUUUUTIFUL!!!!!! haha....okay...it's not totally white..kind of cream-like. it's made of some velvet material...ahhh.....just talking about it makes me SOOOOO excited!!!!! hehehehehehehehehe........
okay, it's sitting on my bed like a queen. I CAN'T WAIT TO WEAR IT!!!!!
and i can't wait to buy MORE exquisite clothes...from mango or some other...oh man...I CAN'T WAIT...
MONEY MONEY MONEY.....
hmm...........
i feel like a woman!! tah tah tah da da tah tah!!!!!! *song by shania twain =)*
i feel great!! and very psyched up for MORE splurging...want to go Zara!! or...Levis!!! or...GUESS!!! or...Nova to buy my BEAUTIFUL shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sigh....the shoes there are SO pretty.....
so many but so little MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!
sigh...
okay...
can't wait!!!
=D
=D
i did some heavy splurging today!!!!!!!!!!!
but retail therapy REALLY works. haha...
i went out with yiyun today!!! =)
oh man....
i can't wait to work!!!!!!! MONEY MONEY MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hahahahahaha................
i can't wait to buy that $100 shoe i saw on sunday and today. oh man.......oh man....it was SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!! oh man......ohhohohohoho......................=D
it's either that or the $36 one from charles and keith. hmm.....but the $100 shoe is SO much NICER!!!!! and it makes me SO MUCH TALLER!!!!!!!!! haha........okay...im a bit crazy.....i don't think i can wait anymore....oh.....anyone willing to give an EARLY christmas present???????? hahahahaha....it's actually just $99.90. the brand is called Nova and it's beside mango in suntec. the shoes is sigh...what i dream about.....so sad.....i can't WAIT to earn that MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hmm....i still have one and a half month before i can work....sigh...i hope that shoes remain UNTOUCHED!!!!!!!
anyway.
i bought 5 comics and a pair of pants today!!!!!! the pants is from mango. that's where the splurging comes from...that pants was the EX factor!!!!!!!! but it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nice....that i couldn't resist....sigh...haha..it's white and BEEEEAUUUUUTIFUL!!!!!! haha....okay...it's not totally white..kind of cream-like. it's made of some velvet material...ahhh.....just talking about it makes me SOOOOO excited!!!!! hehehehehehehehehe........
okay, it's sitting on my bed like a queen. I CAN'T WAIT TO WEAR IT!!!!!
and i can't wait to buy MORE exquisite clothes...from mango or some other...oh man...I CAN'T WAIT...
MONEY MONEY MONEY.....
hmm...........
i feel like a woman!! tah tah tah da da tah tah!!!!!! *song by shania twain =)*
i feel great!! and very psyched up for MORE splurging...want to go Zara!! or...Levis!!! or...GUESS!!! or...Nova to buy my BEAUTIFUL shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sigh....the shoes there are SO pretty.....
so many but so little MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!
sigh...
okay...
can't wait!!!
=D
walk this way
my exams are over. the one big exam that was waiting for me is now over and never coming back..unless i have to take them again..
ah........................
im so screwed................................
sigh....................
get on with life babe!!!!!!!!!
no one's waiting for you. NO ONE.
sigh............
have to stop this shit right at this moment.
ah........................
im so screwed................................
sigh....................
get on with life babe!!!!!!!!!
no one's waiting for you. NO ONE.
sigh............
have to stop this shit right at this moment.
Monday, October 10, 2005
imagine
i...think i should just really give it up...there's no point hanging on to something that no one can prove it real right...i don't know...i feel so depressed...ha...i wish time can pass faster so i'll heal faster...im always saying things i don't mean now...im such a hypocrite...
i don't know what to do...
actually i think i do know...it's just i don't want to do it because i don't want to make the wrong decision. ha...what's the wrong decision right...
people reading my blog are not going to feel happy...haha...
so sadistic.
i just want to thank yiyun for ALWAYS being there for me...no matter what...i had always tried to be there for people who need me...but somepart of me wished they could do the same for me too...yiyun is the only one who has time and again proved to be my saviour...haha...i love you yiyun...
yesterday i kind of humiliated myself. i was at the airport and yiyun met up with me and then we went to bk to eat...then i told her everything...but while doing that i was crying and eating and crying snd eating. after i felt MUCH better, i turned my head, and i SAW SOMEONE FROM MY SCHOOL LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay. i know it's not such a big a deal...but pride is an issue with me...i know this guy and I KNOW this guy knew me too...i mean we recognise each other but we don't know each other. anyway, i think he was with another girl. haha...he's always with another girl. oh my gosh la!!! HE WITNESSED THE WHOLE DAMN THING LA!!!! *sobs* i feel so humiliated...
okay...haha...
today steph and i accompanied hoting to do something he didn't dare to do himself. haha...to shave his legs...HAHA!!!!
no la...of course not. anyway. this is my first time going out with a guy in a long time and i was feeling so depressed...sigh...sian...i couldn't even enjoy myself...i just felt so tired...and i felt like i was doing something wrong. sigh...man...this sucks...while he is happily enjoying going out with girls im still here feeling guilty about doing something like going out with guys. while he's happily living his life im still stuck here feeling depressed. while he can read my life's story i can't even find out what's up with him (that is if he even reads my blog now). while he goes out with all the new girls he's meeting im still stuck here not willing to move because i don't know....im saving myself for him? im so stupid right...ha...he's never going to appreciate this fact...i don't think he even cares or believe anymore. i bought something today while i was at orchard. i don't know why i bought it. but i just knew i had to buy it. it's not for myself.
sigh...i think i'll change that song soon..it's making me feel damn sad.
i should be feeling happy. i should be enjoying myself.
i wish i knew exactly what to do and what to believe...
i don't know what to do...
actually i think i do know...it's just i don't want to do it because i don't want to make the wrong decision. ha...what's the wrong decision right...
people reading my blog are not going to feel happy...haha...
so sadistic.
i just want to thank yiyun for ALWAYS being there for me...no matter what...i had always tried to be there for people who need me...but somepart of me wished they could do the same for me too...yiyun is the only one who has time and again proved to be my saviour...haha...i love you yiyun...
yesterday i kind of humiliated myself. i was at the airport and yiyun met up with me and then we went to bk to eat...then i told her everything...but while doing that i was crying and eating and crying snd eating. after i felt MUCH better, i turned my head, and i SAW SOMEONE FROM MY SCHOOL LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay. i know it's not such a big a deal...but pride is an issue with me...i know this guy and I KNOW this guy knew me too...i mean we recognise each other but we don't know each other. anyway, i think he was with another girl. haha...he's always with another girl. oh my gosh la!!! HE WITNESSED THE WHOLE DAMN THING LA!!!! *sobs* i feel so humiliated...
okay...haha...
today steph and i accompanied hoting to do something he didn't dare to do himself. haha...to shave his legs...HAHA!!!!
no la...of course not. anyway. this is my first time going out with a guy in a long time and i was feeling so depressed...sigh...sian...i couldn't even enjoy myself...i just felt so tired...and i felt like i was doing something wrong. sigh...man...this sucks...while he is happily enjoying going out with girls im still here feeling guilty about doing something like going out with guys. while he's happily living his life im still stuck here feeling depressed. while he can read my life's story i can't even find out what's up with him (that is if he even reads my blog now). while he goes out with all the new girls he's meeting im still stuck here not willing to move because i don't know....im saving myself for him? im so stupid right...ha...he's never going to appreciate this fact...i don't think he even cares or believe anymore. i bought something today while i was at orchard. i don't know why i bought it. but i just knew i had to buy it. it's not for myself.
sigh...i think i'll change that song soon..it's making me feel damn sad.
i should be feeling happy. i should be enjoying myself.
i wish i knew exactly what to do and what to believe...
Sunday, October 09, 2005
i feel like such a loser...haha...
i...feel...so...sigh...
is there any guy who can take care of me??? is there...
all those things that "he" said...all those bloody things...are they really true...are they???can someone please tell me...i don't want to be stuck here...i don't to remain behind. i don't want to remain so bloody pathetic...
im still so bloody young...not even old enough to watch all the movies made...
im still living in the memories...
im so tired of feeling like im going to crumble and dissolve into nothing...
i want to feel like im needed in this stupid world...if im not needed then what the fucking hell am i still doing here for right? im nothing...nothing at all...not important...no purpose in life...im such a lazy ass who just use up my parents' hard earned money withput giving them anything good in return...im going to disappoint them so when the results come out...im such a disappointment...to myself...and to the ones i love.
let me wallow in self-pity and sadness...
bloody shit..
when can i be normal again...when...
when...
sigh...
i...feel...so...sigh...
is there any guy who can take care of me??? is there...
all those things that "he" said...all those bloody things...are they really true...are they???can someone please tell me...i don't want to be stuck here...i don't to remain behind. i don't want to remain so bloody pathetic...
im still so bloody young...not even old enough to watch all the movies made...
im still living in the memories...
im so tired of feeling like im going to crumble and dissolve into nothing...
i want to feel like im needed in this stupid world...if im not needed then what the fucking hell am i still doing here for right? im nothing...nothing at all...not important...no purpose in life...im such a lazy ass who just use up my parents' hard earned money withput giving them anything good in return...im going to disappoint them so when the results come out...im such a disappointment...to myself...and to the ones i love.
let me wallow in self-pity and sadness...
bloody shit..
when can i be normal again...when...
when...
sigh...
praque
the anger is almost gone..
in its is place is a dull throbbing numbness...
im a weakling...this fact is killing me...
i hate being so affected by him. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.....
im a strong person.
if i believe it then i am. if i don't believe it then im not.
bloody fuck.
bloody fucking hell...
im so bloody fucking vulgur now.
what is god trying to tell me? huh??? can someone PLEASE tell me? bloody fuck.
okay..i can feel the anger again...im angry because i was upset. and im angry because i feel like god is playing with me. with my feelings. with my heart. with my soul. bloody fuck.
now im going to be punished for cursing. bloody fuck.
fucking shit.
im NOT A BLOODY WEAKLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
in its is place is a dull throbbing numbness...
im a weakling...this fact is killing me...
i hate being so affected by him. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.....
im a strong person.
if i believe it then i am. if i don't believe it then im not.
bloody fuck.
bloody fucking hell...
im so bloody fucking vulgur now.
what is god trying to tell me? huh??? can someone PLEASE tell me? bloody fuck.
okay..i can feel the anger again...im angry because i was upset. and im angry because i feel like god is playing with me. with my feelings. with my heart. with my soul. bloody fuck.
now im going to be punished for cursing. bloody fuck.
fucking shit.
im NOT A BLOODY WEAKLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Somewhere
You feel as if you have missed out on a great deal that life had to offer and you go about trying to make up for past failures. Naturally at times you get depressed and you try to compensate for your 'missed opportunities' by living your life to the full. This is what, perhaps, may be described as 'living with exaggerated intensity'. In this way you feel you can break the chains of the past and start again - and it could be that you are right.
You are trying to improve your position and prestige - be it in your life or in your workplace. Things are, at this time, OK - but they could be better. You feel that it is essential that you break down any opposition that could possibly lurk in the shadows. You know that you are quite capable of achieving this set goal because you have to and because it is essential to your self esteem.
Your involvements seldom measure up to your high emotional expectations and your 'needs' to be 'loved' and 'cared for' have in the past often led to extreme disappointment. But a change is in the wind - make a firm decision to start anew. Just 'think' it..and it will happen.
For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.
You really would like to be completely uninhibited - to let your hair down - but you are held back by your sense of logic and rationality, since you realize that by simple stupidity you could lose everything - whatever that may be.
this is all very true. thanks to yuehan for writing this address in his blog so i can go check it out and try not to cry over the fact that even a bloody program can tell what im like in such a stupid fucking shit test.
PAIN
BLOODY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!
God made me see him for one BLOODY FUCKING REASON.
I want to know why.
BLOODY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BLOODY FUCK
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STUPID FUCKING SHIT
BLOODY HELL
STUPID
STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!
BLOODY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
God made me see him for one BLOODY FUCKING REASON.
I want to know why.
BLOODY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BLOODY FUCK
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STUPID FUCKING SHIT
BLOODY HELL
STUPID
STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!
BLOODY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, October 07, 2005
Remember when it rained
should i cook dinner...i feel like drinking some home cooked soup for once...
i think i should cook my speciality. haha! the one that is most simple.
i wonder whether the fridge still remember what is a tomato. haha...
macdonald's make me happy!!! for only the first bite. the subsequent ones were like...anyway. felt like puking after i finished all my mcwings. i didn't even finish 3 quarts of my fries. can't stand it man...im so unhealthy.
im having second thoughts about perming my hair...
my hair is still a virgin and im quite proud of that fact. haha...do you think perming needs chemicals????? hmm....what if my hair becomes all dry and EVERYTHING!!!!! i don't want my hair to end up like my sister's or my mom's...i've seen enough scary stuff to make me think twice. haha..
im going to fail chinese. haha...i was seriously just anyhow la...for everything. i only wrote a page and a half for my compo. i did question 2. it was about erm...oh "people frequently say "it is the journey that is important not the ending". try and talk about your views about this". quite my type right... haha...in the end i was going in circles and i gave up. i know im going to fail. =D
i think next time my child enters a jc im going to be all cool about it and celebrate with her even if she's going to fail. haha!!! no high expectations there baby!! now i think i want daughters like me. haha!!! so sick...can you imagine me x 3? haha...so scary.
hmm..........=)
feel like smiling.
okay. my stomach wants to drink soup!!! going to satisfy that craving now.
later!!
(i miss u erjie...too bad u can't drink my speciality tonoght! =D)
i think i should cook my speciality. haha! the one that is most simple.
i wonder whether the fridge still remember what is a tomato. haha...
macdonald's make me happy!!! for only the first bite. the subsequent ones were like...anyway. felt like puking after i finished all my mcwings. i didn't even finish 3 quarts of my fries. can't stand it man...im so unhealthy.
im having second thoughts about perming my hair...
my hair is still a virgin and im quite proud of that fact. haha...do you think perming needs chemicals????? hmm....what if my hair becomes all dry and EVERYTHING!!!!! i don't want my hair to end up like my sister's or my mom's...i've seen enough scary stuff to make me think twice. haha..
im going to fail chinese. haha...i was seriously just anyhow la...for everything. i only wrote a page and a half for my compo. i did question 2. it was about erm...oh "people frequently say "it is the journey that is important not the ending". try and talk about your views about this". quite my type right... haha...in the end i was going in circles and i gave up. i know im going to fail. =D
i think next time my child enters a jc im going to be all cool about it and celebrate with her even if she's going to fail. haha!!! no high expectations there baby!! now i think i want daughters like me. haha!!! so sick...can you imagine me x 3? haha...so scary.
hmm..........=)
feel like smiling.
okay. my stomach wants to drink soup!!! going to satisfy that craving now.
later!!
(i miss u erjie...too bad u can't drink my speciality tonoght! =D)
I Only Have Eyes For You
im home for the moment. haha...just had bio...i so screwed it up la...haha...next up is chinese but i didn't bring my dictionary so that explains why im home now...haha...couldnt resist the temptaion to blog. i thought it was just listening compre la!! haha...
anyway.
i think im finally getting it.
he IS much happier. without me. i saw his pictures with his friends and i realise he is probably having lots of fun bonding with his friends again...his friends are his life. i can tell you that...he had never really needed me at all...anyway.
im probably the only one still hanging on to what i thought was forever. im probably the only one who's still hoping for a reconcilation.
i don't hate his friends. i was and am just IMMENSELY jealous of them...they can make him laugh and they laugh at his jokes. something i couldn't and didn't do. maybe i made him feel as if he isn't funny. hmm...
i think God had put us together and told us so many things for a reason...hmm....i wonder why he told us so many things...are they true? i don't know...but i know i still believe in it. sigh...i don't think i'll ever move on. perhaps i'll just drift along in life waiting. for my life's purpose.
i can never compete with his friends unless they themselves screw it up again. after all he's a one person kinda man. so his group of friends are kind of like his erm...wife. haha...he can only focus his attention on one thing at a time. my era was over. so sad...ha...
perhaps he prefers being single and have fun with his friends. more than what he wants to be with me. haha...im speaking like i know he still wants to be with me. actually, i really do not know. im afraid that after promos it'll be a disappointment because he's probably not in the mood for another girlfriend. im secretly waiting but im afraid i'll just disappoint myself. should i wait for him to tell me? or should i just make the first move? i really don't know...what if he completely doesn't want me anymore? i'll just self-inflict pain onto myself la...sigh...
i can't be friends with a guy i had given part of myself to. there'll always be this expectation to be something more than friends. i won't act naturally and i'll just show my frown. haha...my famous frown. the one that scares people away. sigh....
im currently in my "mellow" mood. songs by taking back sunday kinda irritates me. haha...i like damien rice. and all those mellow songs my sister had downloaded. hmm.......
i think i should get moving. okay...
blog later =)
anyway.
i think im finally getting it.
he IS much happier. without me. i saw his pictures with his friends and i realise he is probably having lots of fun bonding with his friends again...his friends are his life. i can tell you that...he had never really needed me at all...anyway.
im probably the only one still hanging on to what i thought was forever. im probably the only one who's still hoping for a reconcilation.
i don't hate his friends. i was and am just IMMENSELY jealous of them...they can make him laugh and they laugh at his jokes. something i couldn't and didn't do. maybe i made him feel as if he isn't funny. hmm...
i think God had put us together and told us so many things for a reason...hmm....i wonder why he told us so many things...are they true? i don't know...but i know i still believe in it. sigh...i don't think i'll ever move on. perhaps i'll just drift along in life waiting. for my life's purpose.
i can never compete with his friends unless they themselves screw it up again. after all he's a one person kinda man. so his group of friends are kind of like his erm...wife. haha...he can only focus his attention on one thing at a time. my era was over. so sad...ha...
perhaps he prefers being single and have fun with his friends. more than what he wants to be with me. haha...im speaking like i know he still wants to be with me. actually, i really do not know. im afraid that after promos it'll be a disappointment because he's probably not in the mood for another girlfriend. im secretly waiting but im afraid i'll just disappoint myself. should i wait for him to tell me? or should i just make the first move? i really don't know...what if he completely doesn't want me anymore? i'll just self-inflict pain onto myself la...sigh...
i can't be friends with a guy i had given part of myself to. there'll always be this expectation to be something more than friends. i won't act naturally and i'll just show my frown. haha...my famous frown. the one that scares people away. sigh....
im currently in my "mellow" mood. songs by taking back sunday kinda irritates me. haha...i like damien rice. and all those mellow songs my sister had downloaded. hmm.......
i think i should get moving. okay...
blog later =)
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Whenever You Call
i weigh an unhealthy 44kg!!! =)
my sister isn't the only one weight problems now...haha...
it's amazing how much weight can be lost in a month. haha....but it's not bad la...my tummy has shrunk...i think so has my breasts...my bras are like quite loose now...hmm....but my arm muscles are more defined now that there are less fats...
i know im unhealthy cus i look extremely pale. like i haven't seen the sun in 2 years. very bad...my uniform now hangs loosely around me...i think my waist has shrunk too...not bad!=) have to buy new clothes...but first i have to maintain this weight! i know i can do it healthily...
i actually wanted to take pictures of myself wearing a bikini and show it to everyone!!! =) actually i have done that already...but my tummy was erm...bigger than now. haha...can't wait to go to sentosa so i can wear my bikini!! =) maybe i should rally my sisters to go with me to sentosa so we can all enjoy the sun after promos. =D
speaking about that...i think i am going to fail my promos man... im being 100% serious. i didn't complete my chem paper today. i didn't complete almost 40 marks worth of questions cuz i have no idea how to do them and i have no time to think about how to do them either. so if you think you are going to fail but you have completed the whole damn paper please don't talk to me about how fucking difficult the freaking paper was cuz if you are going to fail, chances that im going to fail is going to be MUCH higher and i am going to feel MUCH WORSE than you if you keep harping on how you are going to fail...im already keeping it quite real...i think...i told myself after the time was up that i won't cry over this. for now. chem is a goner. but i know myself. i didn't do well because i've been playing a fool all year round and i didn't really study much for chem during the one week study break either...so im not going to regret. IM NOT.
do you think if i want to go millenia institute they'll let me go straight into the 2nd year? hmm...
i think when we get back our promos result im going to start crying...not in joy obviously...
sigh...
bio is tomorrow but there's still a lot i don't know...the mcqs that i have been doing are not consistent...i can get almost all right in one year and get almost half wrong in another...im so tired...
sigh...
what are my life choices? i don't want to be a nurse anymore...i think im not meek enough. sigh..right now all i can think about are jobs that are quite virgo-like..you know...like being a librarian or a nurse or having office jobs...very MEEK. i wonder is there a job perfect for me...maybe i should just join the monopolistic competition of the clothes market and start my work from home. or perhaps i should just be a fortune hunter. hmm...nah..not my type. i don't think i can ever stomach having sex with an eighty-something..can you imgaine the sheer amount of effort to mask your disgust and also to fake enjoyment??? i don't know how catherine zeta jones can stomach that every night. maybe she really loves her husband. haha...
i wish im rich so i don't have to worry about not getting a job...but everyone wishes for that too...rich people didn't get rich without hard work AND pure luck. i really wonder what im sent to earth for...maybe my life's goal isn't to be rich but it's to make someone happy. maybe im sent to earth so i can make a person happy.
i wonder who is that??? haha...or perhaps im sent to earth so i can be punished for my previously accumulated bad karma. but if that's the case then shouldn't i be an ant or a hungry ghost or something like that? why am i still so lucky? as in..i have a great family where money is not really an issue...i have found friends who really really likes who i am...i make somewhat good first impressions because i look like such a guai gia...my looks are okay...as in i don't have any explicit deformities (they are all in my soul), i don't study much but i still manage to...okay that don't count anymore...haha...anyway...im pretty lucky. i know im always complaining and im always saying that i wish to be richer but the truth is..i don't think i want to change anything in my life or trade it with someone elses for anything...of course..i want to change SOME things...things that had got to do with my behavior in relationships...but i guess that's part of my growing up..they help mould my character i guess...in a way they are good...
now that im feeling quite lonely, i think about alan more. i find myself wondering how is he...whether he is still being such a despo...you know...things that make me think im such a despo. perhaps i am. okay. i think i am. help. haha...
do you think he was being seriously brother like??hmm...he's 21 this year...maybe he's more mature now...as in..less despo? haha...feel like talking to him and asking him how's everything...everything includes xian shao. haha...i still can't believe how despos end up together so easily. he's like 23 this year!!! so freaking old la...for me anyway..haha...
oh my gosh...what was i doing with such an old guy??? alan included...i thought he was 21 this year la!!! i just realised that he's in fact 22. xian shao is 6 years older while alan is 5 years older. what was i thinking????
hmm...to go into how i met them is going to be such a long story...okay...i met them almost 4 years ago. (OH MY GOSH...SO FREAKING LONG AGO...) how time passes man...being with xian shao was like only a year ago? okay...i mean it feels like it was just a year ago...
if being with such a despo makes me feel like it was just last year i wonder how it'll take for me to get over augustine? it took me quite long to get over a less than 3 months relationship you know...3 years in fact...when i say get over it i mean there is COMPLETELY no more feelings about it...i can laugh over it and i don't feel any more resentment...you know...feelings. hmm...i think it'll take me a LONG time...to get over a 7 month relationship...will we ever end up together again?? will he ever give me another chance?? hmm...im such a despo.
im wasting precious time. haha...=)
okay.
going to stop blogging for today.
later!! =)
my sister isn't the only one weight problems now...haha...
it's amazing how much weight can be lost in a month. haha....but it's not bad la...my tummy has shrunk...i think so has my breasts...my bras are like quite loose now...hmm....but my arm muscles are more defined now that there are less fats...
i know im unhealthy cus i look extremely pale. like i haven't seen the sun in 2 years. very bad...my uniform now hangs loosely around me...i think my waist has shrunk too...not bad!=) have to buy new clothes...but first i have to maintain this weight! i know i can do it healthily...
i actually wanted to take pictures of myself wearing a bikini and show it to everyone!!! =) actually i have done that already...but my tummy was erm...bigger than now. haha...can't wait to go to sentosa so i can wear my bikini!! =) maybe i should rally my sisters to go with me to sentosa so we can all enjoy the sun after promos. =D
speaking about that...i think i am going to fail my promos man... im being 100% serious. i didn't complete my chem paper today. i didn't complete almost 40 marks worth of questions cuz i have no idea how to do them and i have no time to think about how to do them either. so if you think you are going to fail but you have completed the whole damn paper please don't talk to me about how fucking difficult the freaking paper was cuz if you are going to fail, chances that im going to fail is going to be MUCH higher and i am going to feel MUCH WORSE than you if you keep harping on how you are going to fail...im already keeping it quite real...i think...i told myself after the time was up that i won't cry over this. for now. chem is a goner. but i know myself. i didn't do well because i've been playing a fool all year round and i didn't really study much for chem during the one week study break either...so im not going to regret. IM NOT.
do you think if i want to go millenia institute they'll let me go straight into the 2nd year? hmm...
i think when we get back our promos result im going to start crying...not in joy obviously...
sigh...
bio is tomorrow but there's still a lot i don't know...the mcqs that i have been doing are not consistent...i can get almost all right in one year and get almost half wrong in another...im so tired...
sigh...
what are my life choices? i don't want to be a nurse anymore...i think im not meek enough. sigh..right now all i can think about are jobs that are quite virgo-like..you know...like being a librarian or a nurse or having office jobs...very MEEK. i wonder is there a job perfect for me...maybe i should just join the monopolistic competition of the clothes market and start my work from home. or perhaps i should just be a fortune hunter. hmm...nah..not my type. i don't think i can ever stomach having sex with an eighty-something..can you imgaine the sheer amount of effort to mask your disgust and also to fake enjoyment??? i don't know how catherine zeta jones can stomach that every night. maybe she really loves her husband. haha...
i wish im rich so i don't have to worry about not getting a job...but everyone wishes for that too...rich people didn't get rich without hard work AND pure luck. i really wonder what im sent to earth for...maybe my life's goal isn't to be rich but it's to make someone happy. maybe im sent to earth so i can make a person happy.
i wonder who is that??? haha...or perhaps im sent to earth so i can be punished for my previously accumulated bad karma. but if that's the case then shouldn't i be an ant or a hungry ghost or something like that? why am i still so lucky? as in..i have a great family where money is not really an issue...i have found friends who really really likes who i am...i make somewhat good first impressions because i look like such a guai gia...my looks are okay...as in i don't have any explicit deformities (they are all in my soul), i don't study much but i still manage to...okay that don't count anymore...haha...anyway...im pretty lucky. i know im always complaining and im always saying that i wish to be richer but the truth is..i don't think i want to change anything in my life or trade it with someone elses for anything...of course..i want to change SOME things...things that had got to do with my behavior in relationships...but i guess that's part of my growing up..they help mould my character i guess...in a way they are good...
now that im feeling quite lonely, i think about alan more. i find myself wondering how is he...whether he is still being such a despo...you know...things that make me think im such a despo. perhaps i am. okay. i think i am. help. haha...
do you think he was being seriously brother like??hmm...he's 21 this year...maybe he's more mature now...as in..less despo? haha...feel like talking to him and asking him how's everything...everything includes xian shao. haha...i still can't believe how despos end up together so easily. he's like 23 this year!!! so freaking old la...for me anyway..haha...
oh my gosh...what was i doing with such an old guy??? alan included...i thought he was 21 this year la!!! i just realised that he's in fact 22. xian shao is 6 years older while alan is 5 years older. what was i thinking????
hmm...to go into how i met them is going to be such a long story...okay...i met them almost 4 years ago. (OH MY GOSH...SO FREAKING LONG AGO...) how time passes man...being with xian shao was like only a year ago? okay...i mean it feels like it was just a year ago...
if being with such a despo makes me feel like it was just last year i wonder how it'll take for me to get over augustine? it took me quite long to get over a less than 3 months relationship you know...3 years in fact...when i say get over it i mean there is COMPLETELY no more feelings about it...i can laugh over it and i don't feel any more resentment...you know...feelings. hmm...i think it'll take me a LONG time...to get over a 7 month relationship...will we ever end up together again?? will he ever give me another chance?? hmm...im such a despo.
im wasting precious time. haha...=)
okay.
going to stop blogging for today.
later!! =)
Nothing Else Matters
haha...i slept for bout 12 hours. feel quite awake now..yesterday i slept round 7pm. =)
chem is in 6 hours! and i have yet to do some effective studying. ha!
i feel better. i guess i REALLY am childish. haha..somebody please stop me.
im going to fail my econs and my chem and my bio. so that conveniently makes me fail PROMOS. haha!!!
i only did 2 econs essay yesterday for paper 3. even if i wanted to do a third essay i had no time. haha..i guess that was my original plan..to just do 2 essays because i'd rather pass these 2 then fail all 3. hmm..talk about time management. haha..i was actually quite prepared to just do 2. hmm...
i hope i'll pass GP....sigh..i thought the passage was quite manageble...it's the questions...sigh...my summary....is so going to pull me down down down....i didn't finish that damn thing though i had time because i didn't know where did all the freaking points go in those 2 freaking paragraphs. i mean...are you suppose to take every line? i only had 70 words...hmm....
im going to play squash tomorrow at jan's place tomorrow after bio man...can't wait. i bought my shoes! =)
promos is ending! =) erm...5 days more.
can't wait! =D
chem is in 6 hours! and i have yet to do some effective studying. ha!
i feel better. i guess i REALLY am childish. haha..somebody please stop me.
im going to fail my econs and my chem and my bio. so that conveniently makes me fail PROMOS. haha!!!
i only did 2 econs essay yesterday for paper 3. even if i wanted to do a third essay i had no time. haha..i guess that was my original plan..to just do 2 essays because i'd rather pass these 2 then fail all 3. hmm..talk about time management. haha..i was actually quite prepared to just do 2. hmm...
i hope i'll pass GP....sigh..i thought the passage was quite manageble...it's the questions...sigh...my summary....is so going to pull me down down down....i didn't finish that damn thing though i had time because i didn't know where did all the freaking points go in those 2 freaking paragraphs. i mean...are you suppose to take every line? i only had 70 words...hmm....
im going to play squash tomorrow at jan's place tomorrow after bio man...can't wait. i bought my shoes! =)
promos is ending! =) erm...5 days more.
can't wait! =D
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Every little thing
"The Blowers Daughter"
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new
im so tired of always feeling sad...for nothing...i tried to study for chem after econs today...but i just couldn't concentrate...all i could think of....all i wanted to think of was...him. im so tired of it.
is there any guy who can make me happy? is there any guy willing to sing this song to me?
(this song:
To Be With You (Mr Big)
Hold on little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you
I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you
Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I've seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you
Chorus
Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwhile
And I can make you start to smile
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you)
ha...im a little desperate right now...for a hug from a guy...for some intimacy...
maybe i should just go to sleep...maybe i'll dream of a guy who can provide me all these...someone who will never hurt me...whether intentionally or not...
im so tired of feeling sad...of wondering...of imagining...of hurting...
i need someone to show me that living is worthwhile.
what the fuck...and im only what? 17? sigh...
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
the blower's daughter
i know i should be studying. in fact, im trying...
but i indulged in some of my sick ways of making myself upset and i was just looking at the "us" folder in my com..i deleted all our pictures in my phone, threw out most of the things that had bound us together but some part of me refuses to let go of the folder. and so...i was just looking at him...and i cried. haha...
so sick right...i really don't know why im blogging this down...maybe for him to read it? ha...
sometimes i really disgust myself. here's a song by the william brothers:
Can't Cry Hard Enough
sigh...im always always always wasting time. ha...one of the BIGGEST reason why i can't study at home...my sick ways will take over me and i'll end up in front of the computer.
help...i think im going out.
okay.
but i indulged in some of my sick ways of making myself upset and i was just looking at the "us" folder in my com..i deleted all our pictures in my phone, threw out most of the things that had bound us together but some part of me refuses to let go of the folder. and so...i was just looking at him...and i cried. haha...
so sick right...i really don't know why im blogging this down...maybe for him to read it? ha...
sometimes i really disgust myself. here's a song by the william brothers:
Can't Cry Hard Enough
I'm going to live my life
Like every day's my last
Without a simple good-bye
It all goes by so fast
And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
I'm going to open my eyes
And see for the first time
I've let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite
There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
I'm going to look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is just an empty chair
And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now
sigh...im always always always wasting time. ha...one of the BIGGEST reason why i can't study at home...my sick ways will take over me and i'll end up in front of the computer.
help...i think im going out.
okay.
Monday, October 03, 2005
"23" (jimmy eat world)
I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...
It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...
im currently hooked on this song...haha... and this song too..
"Sidewalks" (story of the year)
The bridge is all crumbled.
The water soaks into rocks
that fell at the bottom of the road (At the end of the town.)
The town that we lived in.
The memories shaken apart from the weeds that grow
Over the sidewalks,
Running away from the streets we knew,
Sidewalks,
Like the time we thought was made for you.
Oh...
Out on the front porch,
watching the cars as they go by
(Eighteen blue, twenty one grey)
Looking ahead for the first time that we could drive,
Out on our own,
To speed away
From the sidewalks,
Running away from the streets we knew,
Sidewalks,
Like the time we thought was made for you.
Oh...
All of the days have passed us by,
All of the sun is gone... away.
Sidewalks,
Running away from the streets we knew,
Sidewalks,
Running away from the streets we knew,
Sidewalks,
Like the time we thought was made for you.
(Sidewalks)
The bridges are crumpled,
The water soaks into rocks,
(Sidewalks)
That fell at the bottom of the road.
and my all time favourite...from "MY bestfriend's wedding" soundtrack:
You don't know me (jane arden)
You give your hand to me
And then you say hello
And I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me
No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
Longs to hold you tight
Oh I am just a friend
That's all I've ever been
Cause you don't know me
I never knew the art of making love
No my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too
You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh you will never know
The one who loves you so
Well you don't know me
You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh you will never know
The one who loves you so
Cause you don't know me
Oh no you don't know me
OOhh...you don't know me
sigh...so sad...okay...
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