the way you look at me

hmm...i dont want to sound cheesy.. but im currently pretty happy with the way things are going for me.


:)


there is still that general fear. but i hope that this fear is unfounded and i will be proven wrong. if you know what im talking about.


anyway. i was just thinking..2 days ago. haha..dont you all think that piracy is a form of signal to all the producers of whatever it may be that their products are decreasing in quality and increasing in price? so much so that people do not want to support their products? i mean..think about it la. take...say.. snow patrol for example. i bought their second album wishing to show my support for the band only after listening to 2 songs on their album. how i wish i didn't buy that album okay. out of 12/13 songs, only 2 are remotely nice and like their last album. shit man..i could have spent my money on other things la! okay. not a very good example but still. im sure there are lots of people out there who are disappointed with the quality of the bands they support. yet with each album they sell, may it be good or bad, they will still earn the money.


piracy helps to bring about full consumer welfare while the products in the market only bring about full producer welfare.


i'll take piracy anytime for now baby. heh..

hmm...14 oct. must remember this day from today on. :)

midnight (number = 12)

hmm..was reading the article for Triskaidekaphobia (phobia for the number 13). quite interesting. heh.. especially the part when they said," Infamous serial killers Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer and Theodore Bundy all have 13 letters in their names." cool la!


then i realised that my name has 8 letters in it. and very coincidently, the number 8 appears in my time and date of birth. heh..probably doesn't mean anything la..but still quite interesting to know. hmm... haha..i know what anyone of you can get me for christmas already! haha..a numerology book! a proper, useful and relatively accurate one okay! not those.. "numerology for your sex life" kind. hmm...okay. so i do have one already. but that one is like quite summarised.


anyway. :) a sweet song.

Grow Old With You

by Adam Sandler

I wanna make you smile, whenever you're sad

Carry you around when your arthritis is bad

All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches

Build you a fire if the furnace breaks

Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you,

I'll Kiss you

Give you my coat when you are cold

I'll Need you,

I'll Feed you

Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink

Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink

I could be the man who grows old with you

I wanna grow old with you

best day(s) of my(or our) lives. heh..

being sentimental isn't what i always like to do. but once in a while i do like to take time to reflect on my life.


by the way, today is friday the 13th leh! nobody realise huh.


haha..anyway.


today marks the absolute last day of uniform life for me. 12 bloody years. some may say it is or was a waste of time to go school today just for farewell assembly. but i like to end my uniform life properly with smiles and photo-takings with the people who have come to mean a lot to me. i dont wish to argue with people who insist that today was a waste of time. because to me, i came to school to see my friends and to wish them all the best. not to see the teachers and take whatever they had to give.


yes, i do agree. going to meridian junior college isn't much fun. 5 years down the road, i'll look back and not remember the lectures or the teachers but the people with whom i've spent one and a half years with in our journey.


i do feel a tinge of sadness though. because sinyi (being damn stubborn) didnt want to come because she thought it was a waste of her time. but i guess i understand la..i still have the large majority of my ex-205 classmates with me.


i would like to say a thank you to the following people. i really love you girls (and guys. heh..) a lot and all of you mean so much to me. thank you for making the stay in mjc a bearable one for me just simply by being there every morning in the canteen like it's our unspoken secret meetings before morning assembly. those mornings will hold a special place in my heart.


thank you to:

===============================================









val cheah : thanks for the kisses and boy talks. heh.. *hug* im going to miss you darling.
===============================================

gracelyn : hmm... hahaha...
*MUACKS*

===============================================





charlyn : im really glad to have met you on our first day of school. =) thanks for all the sweet messages you've sent. they're all still in my phone. haha..





===============================================





cherlyn : pink, manicures and girl talks! thanks babe..having you around brightens up my days. :)






===============================================






stephanie : GG!! haha.. thanks for the conversations on our bus rides home. thanks for all the laughter and jokes. :)





===============================================





J-nice: though we are in a different class this year and we dont hang out often, but our get-togethers before exams are damn helpful and accurate la! haha.. jia you babe! then after that lets go out more often :)




===============================================






ale, ming ming and val darling : im sorry to just group all of you together. but it has become a habit! haha..im going to miss you girls.. :) for being so constant. *hug*




===============================================





hots : hmm.... *maybe* next time you should bring me around HK. haha..simply because you know the language. somehow or another we managed to miraculously reach an unspoken understanding of each other. heh.. thanks.




===============================================




elton : hmm....you seem to have this uncanny ability to show up in pictures unannounced. haha.. having you as my classmate was quite enjoyable. haha..especially the gossip sessions. oops..haha..hope that isn't a secret i wasn't suppose to tell.



===============================================







punks: no regrets. haha..


===============================================

hmm...okay. i know the post is like SUPER long. but i have a lot of nice pictures! haha..the following will all be photos.

heh... this is my favourite. but the best has yet to come. haha..look at the photo below.

haha!

ex-214 first 3 months. :)

if you notice, elton was not suppose to be in the picture. haha..just like in the picture of me and hots.

i conclude this entry with a picture of the class in 2005 (unfortunately i wasn't in it because of some stupid concert) and a picture of ms liu and i. hmm...she's v pretty hor..




good luck everyone. :) mug hard.

just be

the new day has started...heh...reminds me of lord of the rings...

qing tian

today was a pretty surprising day for me. i guess life has a way of surprising you just when you think everything is perfect. no, nothing bad happened. just genuinely surprised.


hmm...sinyi darling the following video is dedicated to you (cheh...haha...sounds a bit...)
hmm...i think you'll like it. pretty motivational. the lyrics are in the entry right below this. :)


reach - gloria estefan

reach

i stayed home today. but i feel like sleeping. why? i dont really understand. because i slept like 8/9 hours.


sigh..


anyway. 3 more weeks. and i dont feel like i have accomplished anything. i dreamt that i was taking an exam. and someone beside me was making a joke out of the exam. i wish i could be like that person. without a care for his future.

Reach
Gloria Estefan

Some dreams live on in time forever
Those dreams you want with all your heart
And I'll do whatever it takes
Follow through with the promise I make
Put it all on the line
What I hoped for at last would be mine
If I could reach, higher
Just for one moment touch the sky
From that one moment in my life
I'm gonna be stronger
Know that I've tried my very best
And put my spirit to the test
If I could reach

Some days are meant to be remembered
Those days we rise above the stars
So I'll go the distance this time
See it more the higher I climb
That the more I believe
All the more that this dream will be mine

If I could reach, higher
Just for one moment touch the sky
From that one moment in my life
I'm gonna be stronger
Know that I've tried my very best
Put my spirit to the test
If I could reach

If I
could reach, higher
Just for one moment touch the sky
From that one moment in my life
I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be so much stronger, yes I am
I put my spirit to the test
If I could reach
If I could if I could if I could reach
I'd reach I'd reach I'd reach so much higher

thank you for the venom

hmm... ... maybe it's just me thinking too much. like always.


but dont hurt me just because you're not in a good mood.

hear you and me

i realised that all the while i've been wishing for someone to lend a non-judgemental listening ear to me, i've not been doing it myself. a certain rock star once said that he will help all those delinquent juvenile criminals by just listening to what they have to say. because no one listened to them.


everyone wish to be heard. because they want to know that they matter to the world and what they think is worth being listened to. i want to be one of those who will just listen and try really hard to look from your point of view so that i can understand why you feel that way.


im feeling pretty tired..and scared. yup.. must keep going on..


no regrets.

take me away

sunday. hmm...this is the first day of the week and coincidently the first day of the month as well.


in another 33 days it would be what i've been building my pathetic life around. will i throw away everything by allowing myself to be distracted? i would like to think that im capable at managing my time. but the last 5 years and a half have shown me that im not even close. my head line showed me that it'll take me more effort than everyone else to focus. the last 2 days brought me lots of happiness..but is this just temporary like what i've been experiencing all along? this is a bad time to even contemplate this. it feels real. and it gave me hope. but im afraid to trust and afraid to give. hurt is an emotion i dont want to feel. i dont want to feel vulnerable to hurt. control is something i dont want to lose. but i am vulnerable. and im afraid. i am gullible and i still dont know how to differentiate between lies and truth. my sister once told me that i had to have a heart made of steel. that way i wont get hurt easily. im trying. i have the choice to stop. i know that. but...i dont want it to stop. because..i really do like him alot. there has to be a reason why we would meet at this moment. yes, i think a lot. i know. maybe there is no apparent reason at all. people lie to themselves all the time because they want to believe things are going the way they want it to. i like being with him. i like talking to him. i like the fact that we think along the same lines. i like that we share similar thoughts about lots of things. i like being around him. i like that he respects my decisions. i like that i can be more of myself than i could with c and asscrap. i like that he gives me space when i requests for it. i like that he does not push me to be with him and he's giving me time to let go of my fear. i really like him.


tomorrow is another day of school. :)


i'd be lying if i said im excited about it.

yesterday and today (is a huge difference to me. haha..)

okay. if you realise, im feeling high at this moment. haha.. dont know about later though. but for now.. :D


dont know why....haha..

always look for the silver lining

* WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS CONTENT THAT MAY DEPRESS OR IRRITATE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK *

periods. every girl has them (unless you're abnormal), and every now and then, it gets to them (again, unless you're abnormal).


for me, it is a very simple equation to predict my moods:

rate of mood swings during period = 2x normal days
and now, there is an addition of something new: cramps
hence the new equation is this:
rate of mood swings during period + cramps = unpredictable


happened to experience a high and then a low all in the matter of seconds today. mood has since not improved even after a nap. in fact, it has dulled my senses and made me feel even more lethargic. now, im feeling like reaally super SIAN. when i think of studying, all i can think about is the mahfan-ess of it, the feeling of loneliness that arises and the irritation at noisy stupid young brats.


i know i will snap out of it soon. this usually does not last. i merely just want to complain about something. and i know the blog will not talk back to me and will just absorb everything i need to say like a big never-ending sponge.


i hate cramps man. why does it have to hit me at such a old age????? i mean..hit me at 14 or 15 or 16 but not 18!!! dont ask me what's the logic behind this. i dont know. okay. focus on ability to look on the brightside... at least the magnitude of the cramps isn't so big???


arghhhhhhhh.........do not mess with somebody having period man. because you will never know what hit you when suddenly she turns into the "other person".


getting more irritated. shit. my blog-therapy is not working......


*SCREAMS IN DESPERATION*


what a way to die early...

almost blue

my results are out. not a significant improvement i must say. missed my goal mostly by like...sigh..close la. for maths and chem. as for my econs..sigh..okay. there's a grade jump only.


midyears:
F
F
F


prelims:
E
O
E


A levels?
A
B (i sincerely hope and am going to work towards this)
A


hmm....i can do it.

yesterday and today

hmm...just found out that D-A-I is splitting up. *gasp*


so sad...in case you're wondering, do as infinity is probably the inspiring band for FIR okay..haha..just want to bitch about SOMETHING.


got just a quarter of my grades back..they dont sound so good..on the brightside, i definitely improved though. but still. i want my Ds......not Es.......


need some...heh...when everything straightens out, i may have some news to tell. :D


but for now...sigh........................


*edit: okay. so im like damn slow. dai split up LAST YEAR at this time. so sad........and i didnt even know....all the while i thought they were still together...... such a depressing day..*

water wings

my cat ignored me for the first time in my life. hmm...okay. i think it's not. haha..but still.. it was pretty shocking to not see her when i open the door. at first i thought she was in the kitchen but no! haha..she was sitting in the comfy, cushioned starbucks chair we have and ignoring me!


but after she slept with me (heh..how that sounds), she accepted my caresses and pets again. hmm..doesnt sound right huh..haha..


anyway. i love her. she's my companion when there is no one. if you dont own an animal that walks on 4 legs, you wont understand what im talking about.


*i will try to be more rational. but please remind me if im going way out of line again okay?*

nocturne

chopin's songs are nice. :)


anyway, i watched my first m18 movie today. hmm...i dont look 18 so naturally they had to ask. haha..


it is the show "friends with money". hmm..it was a pretty depressing show la..basically just lots of honest exclamations of "FUCK!" and "fuck all of you!" haha..it is pretty refreshing to see and hear people on screen swearing with such honesty. i like it. :) hopefully the next time i watch another m18 show, i wont get asked.

2pac - changes

my love. for now. :)


sigh..he was so... hmm...wish i was older at that time so i would be able to appreciate him better. but the video is abit slow tho.

changes

ahh...


the day is ending with alarming alacrity. okay. i know the night's still young. but this also signifies that one day of my break is ending.


sigh..

way AWAY

WahHAHAHA....


never knew i'd so glad. haha.. anyway, i get to do WHATEVER I WANT for the next 4 days!!! hmm....never knew holidays would feel so good........


yay-ness... haha..


had a HUGE lunch-cum-dinner with darling psy (heh...) and later on, my brother. very expensive too :(


but still. i enjoyed myself. HOHOHOHOHO.........


going mad. but will you all still love me? *bats eyes* haha..

hate for the weak

i had a weird dream. (haha..since when are my dreams normal anyway)


i dreamt that i was married with 2 kids and we were all running away from somebody who wanted to kill us. it was weird because i realised that in any of the dreams i remembered, which are not many, i was always running with somebody and someone was always chasing us. today's dream was the first time i kinda remembered the faces of the people i was running with. they're people my mind came up with i guess..never seen them before. and today was the second time in a row that i dreamt of my father. both times he was acting out of character.


weird.

ji mo de ji jie

a lonely song for a lonely person..


hmm...today's math p2 was...something i dont really want to talk about. maybe i woke up at the wrong side of the bed. maybe, or rather, most probably, my period is coming. thus that explains the pms. i think i should stop before i drown myself in self-pity.


there's two more days of exams to go..the absolute worst day is tomorrow, with a double dose of economics. sian......... im really dreading it........


ahh...stress... a word people always use as commonly as the word love.


god...give me strength... i cant give up now.. (forgive me if this post and all the posts for the past 2 weeks sound a little dramatic. cant help it.. :l)

you're all i have

hmm...feel sad cuz snow patrol used to be my special band. now it's everybody's special band and i have to share them with everyone.


haha..i know how it sounds. but ...sigh.. that jonathan leong totally killed the song la.. and everyone thought he did justice to the song!!!


anyway...


tomorrow is another day of the exams and i totally dont feel prepared for them at all...


okay. gotta go.

feeling sufficiently cooled down, i was blog surfing and i came across a blog that was damn funny in a very...straight to your face kind of truth you know? haha..and here is an excerpt from his blog:

"Its okay

to be kissed

by a fool.

It is even okay

to kiss

a fool.

But never never never

be fooled

by a kiss"


i hope he doesnt mind.

gymnopedie #1

i hate econs. did i ever mentioned it before? it's probably the ONLY thing in this world right now that can singlehandedly bring out all my frustrations and make me feel like shit. stupid subject..sigh..i know i know...not the time to harbour secret hatred for something some smart old man came up with..i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it............................................


tried to spend some quality time with dear mr econs today...half the time my mind was somewhere else daydreaming about something that's probably not going to happen..i just dont understand..why is it that i can never understand what the questions are asking for and give the right answers and evalution? do i lack the intelligence? lacking in analytical skills? lacking in observation skills? WHAT AM I LACKING??????? sigh...going crazy...see what this thing can do to me..and the worse thing is that i let it affect me..


even the ultimate calming song for me didnt manage to get me focused and re-energised. focused and motivated i was yesterday, that i am not today..


I NEED TO FEEL THE FEELING OF ENLIGHTENMENT SOON!!!!!! otherwise it'll all be too late..... sigh...it's depressing me.... shall sleep early today. feel drained.


hoping for a better day tomorrow..wish me luck..

a beautiful plan

today did not go as i had planned. haha..hence the title. anyway, it's from a band called so they say. i think they're pretty nice..kinda radio-friendly. haha..not the noisy music you guys associate me with now okay..


tomorrow will be another day of planned studying..im becoming obsessed. just want to keep going on, finishing a paper..sigh..i cant believe im becoming like THIS!!!


oh. it's already tomorrow. ahhhh......!!! shit!

dive right in

the week is drawing to a close and another is approaching with the same ferocity and speed.


finished chem p2 today and there is...4 more papers to go. hmm...came out today with a smile. heh..not bad la..anyhow tikum and wrote rubbish but my paper looks filled so haha! unlike midyrs or block test where like 2 pages are empty and a waste of printed ink. okay la..so there are questions where i left blank but it's only like 2. haha..


dont know how i'd feel if the results come out being the same and completely different from what i expected.


okay. shant think about that now. hmm...going to watch my sis perfom with her band later at 12.30pm at SMU. if you're reading this now and are free later, drop by and take a look yeah? haha..promoting for my sis. havent heard them yet but i think they'll sound great. :)


*psychoing myself* math is my love! especially stats!


yeah baby!! haha..

the shot that cured

today was the first time i came out of a chem exam with a happy feeling. haha..i just have to not listen to what people wrote in their scripts so i can keep this feeling up. haha..it was depressing..they were talking about what should be and what shouldnt and it was depressing when my answers are like completely different. hmm..okay. stop. i dnot know why but i dont think i'll get F again. maybe an O or an E but not an F. just a feeling babY! haha..


tomorrow is math p1. funny how im feeling slightly more confident with each passing exam. haha..maybe it's too much. but who's complaining? haha..

thug mansion

i saw the biography of tupac shakur. cried like mad at the end of the show. haha..hmm..i think it's just temporary but im listening to his music now. hmm...lots of niggar, motherfu*ker, bitch..haha..i hope i dont unconsciously start going like," what's up biatch" haha..


am becoming a night owl. it's bad i think. anyway, i created an account at myspace.com. it's pretty cool la..it's like all the hardcore bands i like personally man their accounts and if you add them as your friends they just accept. haha.. okay. maybe im sounding a little geeky. haha..


prelims are coming but i feel a little numb already. it's bad right? im almost expecting to see the same results. haha...O, O, F. hmm..dont think i'll get the Fs again but the goal of mine, which is to get Ds seem pretty farfetched at this point.


must keep going on. because there is only one way at this point.


good luck everyone! heh..

this was what my erjie said of me:


a wonderful conversationalist
an intellectual mind
a sparkling wit
an innate ability to laugh at herself and the world
a pair of beautiful and honest eyes
a wonderful friend
an honest and untouched gem in a world of despair
a beautiful girl


=D


cheered me up it did. heh..love you darling. thanks for always being there whenever i need you. and yeah. i'll stop with the suicide thing. soon. haha..

sadness and sorrow

today was the first time i...


felt that the language of english was foreign,

can taste the meaning of suicide at the tip of my tongue,

realised that i want lots of attention,

know that my self-esteem is at the bottom of the bottomless pit,

feel stupid,

want to escape into the confines of music and a wonderful dream,

think it is a really bad time to be depressed.


all these because i think im going to fail gp. i might as well kill myself if i fail my A levels huh.


makes me wonder if im strong enough to ride this wave out. oh well...it's just a stupid exam. right?


Right.