to be with you

i've been dreaming about similar people every night for the past one or two weeks now. i think im thinking too much.


i miss my old user name for this blog. i really miss it. sigh...


anyway.


i feel so weird today. the result of inbalance hormones i hope. maybe tomorrow will be a better day. i wonder what is my life coming to. failing all my tests, totally not focused...im just moaning for the sake of moaning because i know what is the answer to all the questions im asking.


deep pondering questions. think deep pondering questions.


i think i shall leave this blog alone for the next month or so. putting my thoughts down here now seems so unappealing now. sigh...so shit.


i feel so trapped by the results of my own bad decisions.

just like heaven

met up with my darling on both sat and sunday and im going to see him tomorrow again! =) yay.


the gig on saturday was okay. a bit empty though. would be interesting if it was full.


oh!!! i saw may too!!! =) it seems that everytime im going to some concert i see her (saw her last year around this time with a different person but the place is still about the same).


my cat and i just had a staring contest. okay. i lost.


my feet smell. eww. hahaha! my brain seems to be half working.


okay. staring contest again. and i lost. again. man. how does she do it.


im going to sleep.

-_-"


i've taken down the tagboard as you people can see because some lame shit cant get a life and get out of my life. look anand. i can understand why you started out saying all this shit things to me ON MY BLOG and not to my face when you are alone, and not with your friends. why the hell would you want to say it to me only when you are alone? because it shows you actually have the balls and not need backing up. you want to tell me my face looks like dickshit? why not tell it to my face the whole time i saw you in the canteen? what about yesterday when i walked past your whole gang? what's so good about you then? your ability to not do what you preach? cool. i like that attitude.


if you read this and you come with augustine and jana to talk to me aka tell me my face looks like dickshit then i will stop all my respect for you. right now i still have some because steph said you stood up for her a few years ago when somebody called her names on the bus and you dont even know steph well. if you could do that for her your loyalty to aug must be damn strong. thus i respect you for that and i totally understand why you apparently hate me. either that or you just have nothing better to do and it highly amuses you to just write rubbish and pollute my blog. i know you wouldn't care if i have respect for you. why the hell would you? but if you dont do what you preach the whole world will know and all your tough talk and tough act will fade away and people who read my blog will know you are actually not tough at all.


i dont believe in violence and i hope this will not end up in that. it is just a waste of everyone's fucking time. i have better things to do than be bothered by you. you, who jump into conclusions about everything without knowing anything.


you guys only work in groups. what happened to all your honor? what? honor is thrown into the shit where brotherhood is concerned? you guys are nothing but a bully. i am but just a girl who can be easily overpowered by 3 guys and ALL of you know it. so in this case, stated out plainly, are you all MEN? or are you all just immature BOYS.


i have moved far far along since augustine and i broke up. now all i want is to have nothing to do with that period of time and put it behind me. i have stated it plainly for all to see that all i want is peace. do you all have such great feelings for me that you cant leave me alone? huh? aug? what exactly do you mean by "just pretending"? what? got hurt that i said i want you totally out of me life? or was it just your pride talking? why cant you just accept that i want peace and tell yourself and all you friends to leave me alone given that we had once been in love and would do anything for each other? that is what any reasonable, logical man would do. even my brother is not this childish.


if tomorrow or anytime after you read the entry, the 3 of you (or more) come together to me and try to intimidate me, go ahead. i have got nothing to lose except my pride. i'll just let you talk all your rubbish and let it wash away like it has never touched me. come, and i will know you are all nothing but immature boys because you don't have the guts, the honor, and the maturity to say you are a man.

valentine

today is the 14 of feburary but im not celebrating. not really anyway. haha...im going to this saturday. one whole day to myself. hmm...then again. not really too...sian.


had my chem results back. hmm...i expected nothing less than a pass but well. since when has my expectations take their shape? next test i WILL pass. i better.


i love chet baker. had i already said it before??? okay. now im saying again. i LOVE chet baker. he is just SO unique. his sound on the trumpet and his voice...oh man...i think if he was from our era i'll just stalk him la!! haha...fantastic this man. even when he was old. sigh...


it is a wonder how easily music can change my mood. almost instantly i fall into the song. playing now is chet baker's "tenderly". quiet, smooth and relaxing, coaxing all the tension in me to slip away, pulling me deeper into him (= chet :)) this is the kind of jazz i like. quiet. it is all i can say to describe the music. full of quiet emotions.


hardcore and emo. i don't know if it is just a phase im going through. i think it is. will i still listen to them 5 years later?


during the last few GP lessons my class has been watching videos on how political leaders can spoil everything for his people. i realised a lot of things. like how twisted their minds can be, how racial i actually am and how freaking lucky i am. being able to sit on a chair with a flat screen moniter typing my thoughts and views on the things in life...i must REALLY thank God that im born here in this country to this family. i don't care what people might say about our country. i think our leaders have done a really good job and unlike other political leaders who only have their own interests in mind, our leaders have done everything they could for the development of our country. only 30% of the world population are educated. when some african countries were liberated in the 1960s, there were only less than 20 university graduates. our country is small but almost everyone is educated to some extent. at the very least they can read and write.


i have all my basic needs met. some dont even have one of these needs met. it is really saddening. and all because of some corrupted government. general elections for singapore is coming up. i think we all know who the winner is going to be.


anyway. i love my life. good night to all. =)

a boy brushed red living in black and white

tests every week. a disappointing result in chem awaits me. i failed to pass and i do not want to know what kind of stupid mistakes i made in a paper which i had studied for. for sure my study methods are wrong. anyway.


there's an economics test tomorrow. im very sure if i fail that test mr naresh will tell me to buck up or i will fail my block test for sure. hmm...i know what is the prevention and cure to this problem and im going to do it later.


the weather today is shit.


i just wish for peace in my life. aug if you happen to read this i hope you will never call me or talk to me or play stupid pranks on me ever again. i want you totally out of my life. and im sure you want nothing to do with me too. lets call it a truce okay? in my eyes i have never met you and you have never known i existed. okay?


and to baby: im sorry. don't know when you'll read this but yeah. i love you.


i hate periods.

bike scene

had a college road race today. it wasn't a competitive run so i couldn't gauge how much i improved since last year.


sitting at this seat i smell the delicious smell of drunken prawn. awwwww.....


tenacious d is very very very funny. i have no idea how they come up with the lyrics. the newly-installed player has a song by tenacious d. if you don't mind sticking around for it i think it is the last song so if you're not a very big fan of hardcore my deepest apologies. haha...


im getting fatter. i mean im gaining back my previous weight. i have yet to weigh myself but i know because i have been eating so much for the past few weeks!!! well. one reason why i don't want to weigh myself is because i read this article that featured the dove models who are so-called the "real" women because they are not thin, healthy and they love their body just the way it is. one of them said something which really striked a chord in me. she said something like," i stopped weighing myself because i didn't just want to be a number on the scale." i remember last year after i freshly turned single again i lost all my appetite thus lost some weight. i kept weighing myself everyday in an almost obsessed manner, wanting myself to hit that certain number on the scale. it was unhealthy mentally and physically because i was obsessed with losing more weight. but after reading that article i stopped weighing myself and i became happier. =)


im living a simple life right now and im enjoying every minute of it. of course, there are the usual bad days but overall, it is all good. much better than last year. >.<>


so bad. haha...but it is the truth! life is good. for now at least.


communication with my father = vastly improved
goal in life = newly set
studies = improving (i think. haha...)
boyfriend = still okay. much better (...) haha...know what does that mean???
family = still surviving. relationship improved i think. maybe it's just me.
friends = still okay. =)


so you see??? haha...blog more next time.

the sweet and sour speech

i had a daymare. i dreamt that everyone whom i love left me. it was scary. and lonely. perhaps this is me trying to tell me something. perhaps god is trying to tell me something. but whatever it is it freaked me out.


school so far is okay. the occasional meet up with ac is funny as it shows how lame and stupid this person can be.


anyway.


have to rush. i love you all okay. don't ever leave me.

This side of brightness

i've decided to delete anything closely related to fuckface. he is bringing me bad energy and it is making me feel very angry this few days, which is probably what he wants. im not going to give it to him. he is not going to bother me at all because he is nothing to me. how funny and ironic that it is him seeking my attention now.


just bottle it all up and throw it away.


i hope he will never find out about my blog again.

The Attack of the Blotting Paper

im addicted to blotting my face. i gotta admit. ever since the packet of johnsons and johnsons blotting paper, i became so interested in seeing that blue film become transparent even though i know very well that it means my face is getting oilier and oilier. shit. i feel trapped by this blue packet of rectangular oil suckers. the more oil they get the more oil my face produces. HELP!!!


every morning i just cant help but reach for my dwindling packet and take out the sucker and watch it become transparent the moment it touches my nose. okay. so i have yet to get it to the err "complete" stage. but last year when steph offered me a film, i could hardly see a change on the film. so much so that she was like "you and augustine can share one so you wont waste". hahahahahaha....okay. now, i can see transparent spots.


ARGH!!!!!


and you know what the worst thing is?? i actually want to see the film become "complete".


ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


i have to stop before my face becomes something that wasn't. but i cant seem to stop!!!!!!


there is just something about wiping off the oil. it's like a magical feeling that pulls me in and makes me want to continue. especially when i see an oily nose. like my sister's. just to see how transparent the blotting paper will become.


there should be some regulations written on the packet. regulations like:


- wipe your face only twice a day.
- precautions should be taken and the company will not be taken responsible for faces that become more oily after usage of blotting paper.


but why would they write that huh. money is the language.


okay. let me promise myself that this packet of blotting paper will be my last. ABSOLUTE last.


*crosses fingers and toes*

overcrowded room

bright and sunny the sky is. makes me wish for the wet and dark grey skies. it's a respite from the heat which the country had experienced even in december. and now we are going to experience the heat all over again. sad. i would prefer chinese new year to be cold. then again. im weird. so don't mind me.


dreams. i have been having them lately. they are all about school. and they are nightmares. funny huh. i don't like dreaming. because when i do they make me think too much. for the last few hours that i've gone back to sleep i dreamt. what do they mean? why do i have them? is there something wrong with me?


hmm...


im not going to be bothered by it.

young and aspiring

i had a wonderful home-cooked lunch today. thanks honey. it was great =).


till next week...sigh...we'll get used to it i know. but still. im going to see the doc tomorrow and i believe i can go school on monday. yay. so sad.


i think there is something seriously wrong with my stomach. wish i knew what is happening down there.


im going to take a nap now. good night world. =_

Down, Set, Go

im in love. hahaha...


i wonder what causes indigestion and what cures it? hmm...one more day till thursday. =)


im seriously enjoying myself a home. i think if i were to start working and i was so stressed out i think i will just take a vacation at home. just doing nothing in itself is doing something. right?


right. hahahahahahahaha.......


im turning crazy.

you go to my head

im discovering several genres of music at one time. cool..some i had liked in the past and im rediscovering it and some that are relatively new to me. listening to them at the same time makes me dizzy. haha...it really is interesting.


did you know that this friday is Friday the Thirteenth?


hmm...my sbots are not bursting yet. im waiting anxiously for it to start so it can give me an indication when i will be well again. haha...


just saying that reminds me of the time when i was complaining about why i don't get sick. now i get this. not a minor flu or cold but this. the POX. which, i think it's because of the medication, is not serious at all. man...im such a...hahahahaha....the whole situation is quite hilarious to me.


and instead of slimming down after the whole ordeal i think i shall gain weight. haha...because i've been eating so much porridge. cool...


chet baker had such a lovely voice. i still have...let's see...7 days till my mc ends. does this mean that im still not the serious stage of the disease yet? why do i not have fever? is it because im actually still relatively healthy and, coupled with the medication, im going to emerge at the end of the whole thing the winner? well. there definately are more sbots filling themselves up with pus no matter how big or small they are. and they are not bursting no matter how hard i press them. man...one thing's for sure...that is i was wrong about the calamine. after generous helpings of it onto each sbot i feel much better (have to thank nad here because i heeded her advice. =D thanks nad)


okay. im just bored. haha...


i like what my hon played for me. it's really soothing and i've been repeating it all day. haha...sick.


i realise that my friendship with nic has come to a stagnant end. it is partially my fault. i have to admit that. but she'll remain special in my heart just the same.


im a poxy lady!!! going crazy!!! haha!!!

memories

i was reading the entries which i first wrote and the subsquent ones just now. i was like oh my gosh!! haha...did i type like that??? i guess i did. now that im looking back and reading it, i cant believe i was like that. weird. haha...


that was just 2 years ago.


i wonder will i like myself 2 years later when i read the entries.


im alone in the house. i think i feel normal because of the medication im taking. i seriousely dont feel sick. except that my butt itches and there is nothing i can do about that. haha.......


top 10 ways to occupy myself.
.
.
.


nah...haha..im just kidding. okay.

slow motion

howie day don't look nice on camera. hmm...but his voice is very nice. so sad that my imagination is spoilt by the real image of him. haha...so bad.


this is the third entry of the day.


anyway. dinner was ... my mom bought a big bag of chicken wings for my brother which i CANT eat. sigh...why....why........why.......................


my mouth was salivating when i smelled the B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L aroma of the chicken and was going to grab one when my mom said,"NO!"


ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


my stomach is growling at the thought of those juicy...tender...soft and tasty wings in my mouth. man...


maybe i should just go back to sleep. i feel so sleepy and lethargic. is that how you spell the word? anyway.


shall stop giving one sentence per paragraph entries. goodnight world...*yawn*

itch

calamine lotion is no help at all. i wonder who invented it? i applied so much of it i think i look like snow white minus the "most beautiful girl in the world" thingy.


it's amazing how much i can sleep. i just slept 4 hours and i think i can sleep somemore because i feel like. haha...i don't have that refreshed feeling.


my scalp itches. i can feel the bumps. i think there are more spots (i think i shall call them sbots from now on because it's kinda like bumps and they are like spots) on my scalp than anywhere else on my body. im trying not to be paranoid. the best thing i can do to avoid scratching is to sleep, which actually sounds like heaven. it is the next best thing to heaven right now anyway. hmm..


dinner.


now.


so later. =)

holiday

my ass. haha...


it's hard to breathe. i wonder why?? hmm...i wonder is there anybody who died while having chicken pox and had their body cut open for studies? what would the scientist find? spots on the lungs? on the bronchi? hmm...i know the throat and the mouth are definate answers because it's hard to swallow. why is it that people will get fever while having the pox? okay. ohh....fever is just a symptom. not a disease. cool...


from yahoo! health:

Fever is the body's normal and healthy reaction to infection and other illnesses, both minor and serious. Fevers cause the immune system to increase the production of white blood cells and other substances that help fight infection. Fever is a symptom, not a disease. In most cases fever means you have a minor illness. Often the importance of a fever can be determined only when other symptoms are evaluated.


yup.


the spots are going to burst with pus soon. i think in another 1 or 2 days time. it is as if they are filling themselves with ammunition. haha!!!


i feel like an alien. or a dinosaur. haha...it's really something i have to adjust to. waking up to feel your back filled with bumps that you know will be filled with pus. thank goodness i picked the one week heal. i don't know how i could go for 2 WEEKS. *shudders*


haha...this reminds me of my conversation with my honey last night. it went like this:


him: you can wash the pus off your hair hon. relax.
me: are you trying to scare me?
him: no, im not. the pus will burst and...
me: ooooh...it'll be fun, you know. i'll pop the spots so it'll be like "oh! spot! pus!!"
him: *silence*
me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.........................................


haha....i think i will enjoy myself. popping the spots. POP. POP. POP. hahahahaha......call me crazy. i don't really feel like im sick, you know?? no fever. yet. itching is not that bad. yet. anyway it hurts to touch the spots. especially those filling up with pus. maybe i should start studying.


then again. haha...


i have so much time now. as you can see from the length of my entry. maybe i should do something productive. yup. maybe economics.


okay. im going to drag myself away. later!! =D

crazy

it's official. i have chicken pox. haha...what a joke right. and what a way to start the year. well. at least if i look at the bright side of things, i won't get it in the future and have the fear everytime someone gets it. hahaha!!!!!! i'll be SAFE. =D


i think the nurses at the clinics are sometimes like ----. i mean...when i got there, they deemed me as NOT-VERY-SICK because i sounded normal and don't have spots on my face. HELLO!!!! do one NEED to LOOK sick to BE sick??? and so, they gave me a shit number and made me wait for an hour while i saw people who came after me go in to see the doc first. -----


anyway. after i saw the doc the shit nurse gave me a lecture on how "next time, when you have chicken pox, you should tell us over the counter so we can let you see the doctor first." err.........like WHAT THE FUCK??? after making me wait for an hour??? appeasing your guilt, missy? how in the world am i suppose to know??? what? unspoken rule? too much of a common sense? okay. so maybe it is. but lesser common sense people like me don't know and you can only get the pox once in your life right? so this is my err...let me see...FIRST time? if my math doesn't fail me that is. how was i supposed to know???


okay. so now you know. if you have chicken pox, tell the nurses so you can jump the queue.


-----.


the itch has yet to come but i can feel it coming. i think i'll have fever too. that's what the doc told me. i was given the opportunity to skip school for 2 weeks but i decided to go for the one week heal because i have to think LONG term. can you imagine how much i'll miss in school if i don't attend school for half a month? my gosh man...time and tide wait for no man. that's what mr lee had always said when he was my physics teacher in sec school. gosh...time really pass so quickly. sec school was 2 years ago. so fast. i bet this year will pass even faster. it already is.


i actually have a spot in my mouth. i can feel it. eww....


but it's actually all quite interesting. the speed at which new spots pop out. it's REALLY fast. within just 6 hours i have like 10 new spots. maybe even more. when i looked in the mirror at like 11 this morn i saw 2 spots on my neck. when i looked at my neck 3 hours later i have like 5 new spots.


cool...=D


okay. will type more tomorrow since i'll be home for the next 10 days. =)


later.

im scared

i think i have chicken pox. im going to see the doctor later. im scared man....


at the thought of those spots itching like mad and them growing on my head....*sobs*


im scaring myself but still.

i'll catch you

perhaps i should take hoting's advice and listen to what we call "constipated music". haha!!!


examples: elvis constello's "She", simple plan, and all the music heard on radio. haha...


seriously man...


when you hear them, you can feel that they are like a constipated bunch of people trying to squeeze out something. once you realise this music on the radio will never sound the same again. hahahahahahaha................................


okay. amusing myself. =D

fuck it all

i think listening to metal makes me a very angry person. in fact, it stirs up resentment and feelings of hate faster than you can say fuck.


i think i should stop. but somehow i want to stay with it. is it good or bad? huh.


my mom is feeding me psychological shit. i know she's worried about me and all but that doesn't mean i will keep eating this shit just because she feels like feeding it to me. okay. im feeling angry.


hmm...


i finally quit my cca. i think rambo will talk to me soon. sigh...


perhaps it's pms though my period just ended.


insecurities...resentment...anger...


fuck it all.fuck this world.fuck everything that you stand for.don't give a shit.don't ever judge me.


okay...abit drama here...amazing. i turned down the volume of the music and i feel fine again. amazing.

The Area

hmm....had quite a tiring day. PE first period which thus affected my whole day. im going to take a nap after i typed out this entry. after which i will do whatever leftover homework.


i have a blister on my feet because i ran with the wrong shoes today. okay. so the sky is all dark and grey now, which does nothing to improve my mood. im tired. man....if school is going to be like this for the rest of the year...i think im going to be so tired...


i think i've decided to quit my cca. regardless of what help i can reap. maybe that is a very coward thing to do. i dno...im still thinking...sigh...should i or should i not...will i regret if i quit? will i regret if i don't? i've always thought im a fighter...man...


im going to sleep now. i can't think.

another morning

first day of school. sigh...


timetable is okay...not good but okay.


tired now.


it'll be over before i know it so yeah.


bleah...

happy

ugh...


school tomorrow.


homework: not complete


brain: not functioning properly


uniform: not ironed


sigh...


shit.


i hope my timetable is not shit and thursday better be good. =)

trust

the last day of 2005. it doesn't feel exciting at all. just another ordinary day. but i know i will like lunch because im going to have it with someone whom i....


haha...


dinner yesterday was great. i was allowed to do something for somebody for like the first time ever and it made me feel really happy. time passes so quickly.


im so glad God gave me another chance in the last week of this year. at least the year didn't end off so badly after all huh. haha...


thank you to all who have helped me in this year. once again, i want to tell all my girlfriends that...


I LOVE YOU all and...yay!! we're turning 18 next year!! haha...


i love my family.


and i love my baby. haha...never thought i'll say that.


anyway. gotta run. i love you world! =)

#1 crush

im feeling happy. again. cool...haha...


it's a great feeling i realised. different from all the happiness i've felt before. the last 3 days have been great. especially yesterday.


i tried mexican food for the first time and i LOVE it. it's great. it was real mexican food and i was so filled after my dinner that i almost puked. hahahaha....great detail huh. the company i was with made my dinner a whole lot better. in fact, my day was made a whole lot better. haha...it was great.


=D

vermillion

merry christmas everyone!!!


=)


im glad my dad could celebrate it together with us. this year was better than last year cuz everyone is here! haha....my presents were great. the tree is empty again. didn't think of taking a picture of it when it was full of the presents. haha...

yay =)

bad seed

oh man...


i feel like i want to kill myself for the stupidity!!!!!!!!


i just accidently deleted ALL my pictures in my new camera. i have no idea how to get it back. oh man...i feel so STUPID...all those nice pictures of yesterday and bingfeng's pictures of his trip in japan!!!!!! oh man......argh!!!!!!!!!


it doesn't feel like it's real. man....i feel so....bloody shit.

vampires will never hurt you

im feeling happy.


that's all.


it's okay if no ones understands. because i have a special someone to share this joy with. that's why im happy. and it's great. =)

confessions of a broken heart

i kinda like this song.


*gasps*


haha...


i saw the video a couple of times and i think that lindsay lohan rocks. err...or rather, she can sing. unlike some other actress-cum-singers. maybe her label is trying to market her as a person who has real problems and is a person whom people can connect to.


another video which keeps bringing tears to my eyes is that new version of the song home sweet home. did you know that the original version is sang by limp bizkit??? okay. i didn't. haha...i saw that video and the song is in their greatest hits album. it's just...i don't know...when i think about new orleans i just feel so sad. i mean...TONS of stories have been written about there, travel shows seem to think it is one of their favorite places to go, and all that music and rich history! man...coupled with that song and images of the old new orleans just bring me to tears. it's gone...and when it was in chaos the people were just killing each other and everything...hmm...


oh there's this cat under my block which keeps calling like mad. its damn funny to hear it meow when it sounds like howling gone wrong. it just never fails to crack me up. =D


*MEOW*


hahahahahaha......


okay. im mad. and pmsing. i hate it. =D