walking after you

after a day of work and confession to my very appreciated and beloved colleague and dear friend, jesmine, i have reached the clear-minded state for the very first time in these 2 months.


i actually feel much happier. :)


i know this is a drastic change from yesterday. but i think, YES, i need a life other than willie.


YES YES YES!


haha...i feel good. finally.


:)


please. feel happy for me. hope the joy from my heart can radiate out from the screen and make you jump with joy.


YES!

reflection

before i start with my actual post, i would like to tell you my results. im not showing off or anything. i just thought i would make it more convenient for people who would like to know what i got.


i got..


ABCC6 for MCEGP.


i think these are the maximum grades i could get given the amount of effort i had put in. so i am not unhappy nor am i feeling euphoric. i just feel...nothing. nothing special. nothing i should be proud of.
__________________________________________


i am feeling angry again. over nothing. so it seems.


my heart is not at peace. and i would like to know why.


anyway, i realised that i am making up my mind over lots of things everyday.


i realised that i do not want to arrange my life around somebody else's so that his life can be more simple. it is making me unhappy.


i realised that i shouldn't really care about what others say about me. because they dont know me. even if i really like them. unless of course..you are a somebody to me - like you have known me for more than 5 years or spent lots of time around me. because i realised that people tend to just see one side of things as it is easier that way. listening to people, who dont really know you, talk about you is going to hurt. so yeah. i will stop caring.


i realised that my family is still the number one thing in my life. and no one is going to change my mind about it.


i realised that i want to form my own opinion about things instead of taking other people's opinions as it is. as 'duh' as it sounds, i will not listen to the opinions and take it like the person is some god.


i realised that expecting too much from a person is going to give me constant heart pain. so instead, i will withdraw and expect only the minimum. that way, i can be easily contented.


i realised that i need some external help in calming my mind down. not some psychologist mind you. i was thinking more like taking buddhist teachings or taking meditative yoga or something similar.


being frustrated at almost nothing is driving me crazy. having somebody in my life who doesnt understand or doesnt have the time to understand what im feeling is making me even more frustrated.


another thing. please try to enlighten me. what would you do if your mother is sick and she doesnt want to see a doctor? would you (a) drag her to one and instead of gratitude you get unhappiness from her, (b) argue with her, or (c) just leave her be because, hey, that's her choice. what would you do. really.

sometimes

sometimes...


i want to be away. alone. with no one to make me angry over nothing.


sometimes...


i feel lonely. even if there is someone next to me. because no one really understands me.


sometimes...


i feel selfish. i want the world to revolve around me.


sometimes...


i feel really sorry. for the person who chooses to be with me. because he would have to go through hell in time to come (like now).


sometimes...


i feel so sad. at the way the world is turning out to be.


sometimes...


i feel like holding the hands of the elderly. when they walk alone in the streets with no one to accompany them.


sometimes...


i feel like dying. just a fleeting moment. but it is always surpassed by thoughts of people who care.


sometimes...


i feel like the luckiest girl ever alive. because i have a family and beautiful hearted friends whom i can love and rely on. and receive love in return.


sometimes...


i just want to say, "Im sorry." for not being the best i can be.

sing

i just came back from my driving theory test (final) and... WAH HA....i passed.


i want to be the first of my siblings to pass everything FIRST TIME. hahahahahahaha.....


anyway.


im working now at great eastern (in the middle of raffles place, chinatown and clarke quey). at the customer aquisition department doing sai kang. the pay is as expected - $6 (from recruit express ma..)but still okay la.


met several new people (my age, also facing the same gloom ahead - results that is) and they are all very cool.


hmm..in all other aspects...well...im sorry if i haven't been updating much. this is because i reach home pretty late everyday and im just too lazy to turn on the com and type something into it. yup..perhaps now i just need a mini break from the com. today is special cuz i didnt have to go to work due to this test (wasn't expecting to work when i booked the test) so yup..


anyway, i can be reached by messages.. so if you need to contact me, you have my no.


love you all :)

times like these

the more i look at university admissions the more scared i get and the more im sure i'll be going poly.


im being very realistic here.


i dont have a good feeling about my results. dont say "who doesn't?" because there are some of you out there who are feeling fairly confident but put up an act just to show that you are like all the "others" who are "normal".


no, im not looking for comforting comments.


im merely stating the truth. and though i hope i will be proven wrong (which i highly doubt), im preparing myself for poly.


anyway, what's so bad about that? what's all these bullshit about "wasting time" and "should have gone poly in the first place"


okay. so im just trying to make myself feel better. but now that im looking at university and im feeling like i can't be able to make it into that boat that carries the elite of our country. i have to keep reminding myself that that boat is not the only boat around and there are other options available.


everyone in university is smart. most of everyone gets at least one A and two Bs. seriously, i highly doubt that i will make a miracle. i mean come on, from EEO to AAB? yes: if i studied hard enough. but the truth is: i didn't. i tried. but i didn't.


there. i've said it.


but even if i'd gone back in time, there is no way i'd have found a way to love economics and master the essays essential for passing the subjects.


i admit, there were lots of opportunities for me to take to improve on the subject the whole of last year. but i didn't want to. maths and chem, it's a different story altogether.


but what the hell. i shouldnt be saying all these now.


poly is not a bad option. im still young. i have nothing to lose really. stepping onto this path i've carved has given me a new perception to the world.


but whatever the outcome is, i swear, im not going to retake 'A' levels. fuck that exam. im so over it.

Warning: this is going to be a very long post (i think). could be quite boring too. like the last one. haha..


I'm going to reflect on 2006 and what i learnt in it.


Jan 2006: in this month, i moved into a new class together with the rest of the gang whom I've never been close to. i was still a little worried how i was going to survive the rest of the year. but i was with Chris and everything was going good with us.


Feb and March 2006: i guess this was the middle month where everything was going on like a clockwork. with the exception of block test, of which i got my very first grade above the usual O or F. but sadly, never again.


April 2006: my sister announced that she's going to Australia to work. it was permanent - until she quit, of course. meanwhile, my other sister was going to a one-month exchange in Switzerland and after that, a month touring Europe.


chris and i also broke up by then. well...it was a week after easter day. maybe it was in march. but anyway, he made the last 4 months really really fun for me and he taught me quite a lot about the alternative radio music (mainly hardcore, metalcore, progressive, experimenting) and being in a relationship.


you'd have thought that i would be well taught after being asscrap for a difficult 7 months wouldya. well. you thought wrong. haha.. hmm..being with asscrap was also an eye-opener. he showed me exactly the sort of relationship i did NOT want - possessive, controlling, oppressive (to my character) and most of all, my family did not like him at first sight. it was all wrong to begin with. but i was glad it ended someway or another. when i found out from my brother that he was smoking while being with me after meeting my brother (source of cigarettes), that was quite it for me. okay. dont get me wrong. it was not the smoking that i was really hurt about. it was the lying. im okay with smoking. just dont lie to me about it.


but well, i have erased most of what i felt with asscrap, save the anger. so i hope you can tell that this is really slanted to one side. my side.


May 2006: i met my DARLING!!! :) it was fate. haha..all of you can guess who is the person right..SHE IS MY SINYI!! haha..hope you dont mind me dear. from that time on, she was my study partner, lunch partner, mac partner, gossip partner, depression partner, basically everything except being my partner in life. haha.. i think if were to turn les, it won't last. not with xue around. haha..


really, i was quite thankful for meeting her. the first person i had a real connection with in this school. sad huh. probably the only person. but im not sad about it. haha..not the very least.


Jun and July 2006: spent these months studying, ogling (at a certain someone. haha..) and maybe having fun? haha..midyears, i got triple F. i must say, i really tried studying after midyears.


August 2006: my birthday. the girls bought me a cake and celebrated it with me. i was really really touched. 2 years ago, mygreatlove and friends also did the same thing. thank you all. these are moments that i'll remember forever.


Sept 2006: met will during my one week break online. yes, it was cheesy. but if harry and sally can meet that way, then why not right? haha..


it was sort of a bad timing because my prelim was right there at that time. met him physically after 2 weeks of conversing through sms. which was actually when my prelim ended. haha..i didn't have a bad feeling about it but look what i got --> EEO. improvement, but not what i wanted at all. fast forward to now, A levels ended. i dont have a bad feeling about it too. wonder what i'll get. shit.


anyway, back to will. we dated throughout the rest of September, getting the "isn't this a really bad time" look from people who saw me everyday. hmm...


October 2006: will and i got together. and i was also trying really hard to study.


November 2006: A levels. need i say more?


December 2006: total freedom. prom happened. didnt take enough pictures but well. what the heck. met eva, will's friend. she's great. :) we went out a few times. but i think it was enough for the both of us to like each other a lot. haha..that sounded les.


----
so that was my year in a very short summary.


2007. wonder where i'll go?

i will survive

i hate heartland places. i really do.


give me eunos anytime.


tampines IS a dustbin.


at least my house is big and i have my own room to hide in.


but i swear.


one more stupid motorcyclist who drives by with loud IRRITATING music blasting out of their bikes and i will aim a dart and shoot their wheels when they are going past so they will fly from their bikes and die horribly. after which i will just close my window and disappear.


maybe im just pms-ing.


but still.


squeezing a quarter million people in one area isn't exactly spacious.


as it is, we are already like pigeons. why insist in further grooming us like one???


i hate this country when it is a public holiday.


you have no personal space and people turn U-G-L-Y.


yes. they do.


putting all their shopping bags onto a seat in an extremely crowded bus and ignoring the fact that there is a PERSON who needs the seat more than the BAGS.


how does she live like that? i really don't understand.


ugly singaporeans.


sometimes i hate this country with an intensity that surprises me.


and some of the people in it: may some retribution befall on them.


oh and by the way,


merry christmas.

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

runaway

hmm...i realised something. and that is chinese people have no culture whatsoever. i mean..what is our culture? maybe it is to make money. that's why we have so accepted the american culture with arms wide open. after all, they ARE out to just make money, isn't it? and similarly, so are we, the chinese.


the europeans and the australians know how to enjoy life. they have a culture in the form of lifestyle. so does the japanese and the people who live in hong kong. curiously, those who ARE chinese speaking can easily be converted into the american culture - that is, to eat, live and drink money.


or maybe, i dont really know what im talking about and am just bullshitting.


but anyway, i dont like the singaporean culture, if we do have one. was boarding the bus earlier today and was queuing up and giving way to the ah mah in front of me. just when i was about to board the bus, this i--i-n man pushed his way from the side and boarded the bus as if he was the last one to get up when there were like 10 other people waiting to board the freaking bus as well. i hate this kind of attitude man. i mean COME ON!!! are you going to DIE standing up? f**ker. F**KING SISSY. then when i got up the bus, he was happily sitted down.


*rolls eyes*


i seriously have a phobia against old i--i-n men. maybe it's stemmed from claustrophobic incidents with them.


oh well. sometimes i wonder if half the men in this country ARE men. maybe they all want a sex-change to become women. dont blame us if women in this country would like to look for a MAN overseas. maybe it's our education system. maybe it's just our country. after all, it is a semi-oppressive society. gays are not allowed to emerge from their closets.


wonder what will this country be like in the next 20 years? will there be a change in the mindsets of singaporeans? maybe there will be a radical change in the governance of this country when a certain someone expires from old-age and no longer hold the reins of this country. wonder if the large empire of shares will be distributed and returned to society? seriously. if you are curious, check wikipedia for LKY (spell name in full). you'd be in awe. at least i was (at the mass amount of power and $$$).


but pathetic as i am, there is no where else i want to live in right now except this small little island they call a country.

next

okay. if any of you ever noticed the title, it was almost always the title of a song. haha..but for this entry it's the title of a book.


IT'S BY MICHEAL CRICHTON!!!!!


yay..haha..


anyway. i just wanted to do a little review about his book. hope it turns out okay. heh..


okay. the book is GREAT!!!


hmm..in my opinion, quite informative. although i had to pick through the pieces to tell if that was fiction or fact. i finished the book in a day because it was such a page turner. multiple characters in the book challenge your memory and confuses you if your memory is quite bad. but i must say, my short-term memory is quite good. haha!


the whole story is about the genes-craze and how the large money-minded american industries handles it (this is all in the author's opinion i think). but what is interesting about crichton's books is that he constantly challenges the boundaries of our comfort zone. NEXT is no different. this book makes you think about the infinite possibilities of genetic engineering and about the ethics involved. what is right and what is wrong? who is to decide? in this new phase of technology, everyone decides what is right and wrong because no one knows the limit of this technology. everything is possible.


i like the book because he was able to weave fact into fiction and yet still maintain that wham! factor in the book. NEXT is a wonderfully written book that kept me up all night reading it. well..if you are skeptical about this book (as i was, after reading his last book State of Fear, because it was kinda boring), give the book a try. you'll be surprised how much you'd enjoy reading it. at least i was. haha..

----------------------------------------------------------


christmas is coming..to tell the truth, im quite broke. am thinking of making some homemade presents but hmm..is there time??? shit. maybe my present will just be a jap meal. it can be quite ex you know..all that ingredient.


monday..hmm..the year is ending! and soon i'll be 19. that's really fast. hmm..must make good use of my last 2 years of 10-hood. haha..because soon, it'll be the 20-hood! shit.

the look of love

darling will gave me an early christmas present yesterday. heh....... and it was all my fault.


but still! heh...


he gave me......


AN MP3 PLAYER!!!!!!!


it's quite ex even for him and im really really really really thankful for the gift.


the only thing i regret was that i wasn't at my best when he presented the gift to me. sigh...but my anger never stays (except for *******). im sorry darling. :)


too bad my ears are like damn small. the earphones he gave me were VERY KAWAI!!!! heh...


*Screams with joy and excitement*

the box

the player


the socks that came with it


the earphones

call me a materialistic bitch if you want. but that's just for now man.. hahahahahahaha....

yup...hmm...holidays are going great for me so far. haven't regretted not continuing work. *big smile*


nothing to worry about. haha...i just want to enjoy this moment as fully as i can. i mean..what's the point of living if you're not living happily right...so should arrange your life such that you're happy! heh.......


shit man...i feel so spoiled. but what the heck.

prom queen killer

yesterday was prom. the second one in my life. maybe the last. heh..


it was like shit la really. just went there to take pictures and occasionally eat the chinese wedding food that had cost me $95.


but everyone turned out looking so glamorous! :) heh..im so glad i didn't get a shimmering $200 dress and overall from dress to shoes to hair and make-up, i only spent about $150. Yay! haha..


here's a picture of me (taken only after i have reached home. haha..weird huh..but the make-up stayed! :))




the downside was that i realised my camera kinda sucked. i want to get a new one. am currently unemployed because this is voluntary unemployment. haha..after working unhappily for the past 3 weeks, i realised i dont want my only holiday, before i get upset and unable to enjoy over the results, to SUCK. i mean, after the past year, i just want to get that feeling of total slackness and utter relaxation, which i eventually will get sick of and would crave for a job and some money. so till then, heh..actually, it is till january. :) see...i have got plans..


anyway. was very happy to see my darling will at pan-pac! he surprised me with flowers that looked so pretty. :) but that was at the end la. i went with dearest jan and angeline to prom. was quite glad with the way everything had fallen into place without us having to make so much plans. i was pretty happy with the end result of the hair and makeup too! heh.. jan and ange both looked so pretty! it was fun. :)

erjie and i before i did my hair and makeup

my REAL hair. haha..darling psy asked if it was fake.


after make-up


in the cab we cam-whored. haha..

here's the christmas tree at the lobby. poor zhixiang had to retake this photo for us many times. haha..sorry.


some of the 205 girls. even shimin turned up man! heh..she looks prrretty.

i forgot our table number and so my poor group of friends had to move several times. sorry about that folks! >.<

the gorgeous lady and i :)

me, ange, xue and sinyi

gracelyn! wonder who made her change her mind last minute? but what the heck. haha..was really glad she came.

heh..who's this you ask? meet junming, my '06 college crush. was super shy when taking this picture la. haha..but am very glad i did. thanks jan! :)

beautiful steph and jan


steph and i


punks with his "pirates of the carribean" costume. he even had the parrot. haha..see the bluish-yellow thing at the corner of his shoulder?


chu and i


the red hot mama in the middle *sizzle*


val darling :)


yuteng and i :)
am still waiting to go out with you so we can gossip leh! haha..


bingfeng :) thanks for coming down


will darling and i.
:)


the beautiful flowers

of course, there are a lot more pictures but have already spent the last hour and a half with the entry. well...this is the last school event of my journey in Meridian JC (not counting the results day. that one..well...it's the nation's event. haha..) and im kinda glad it's over. no more mjc.


YAY!!!!!!!!!! :)

gymnopedies

these videos are really cool. the one with michelle kwan made me cry. just so beautiful..


Gymnopedie No. 1



Gymnopedie I



Michelle Kwan skating to "Lyra Angelica" by William Alwyn and Gymnopedie No.3 by Erik Satie

paper hanger

exams ended last friday and i haven't been busy going out. heh..is that a bad thing?


i went shopping yesterday and i saw some pretty clothes that costs a bomb. i'll probably get them because i dont want to regret not buying them.


i curled my hair. heh..it looks okay. i think i look better with the curls than without. hmm..so many things i want to get...........


i dont know..im now having a little writer's block. heh..


give me a few weeks. i'll be back.

runaway

hmm... i wonder who out there besides me feel odd living in the world. like there is this feeling that you just dont belong anywhere. i mean..of course you have friends and have a pretty much of a "normal" life. but there is just this feeling of emptiness every once in a while.


hmm...okay, so that sounded pretty vague and i suppose everyone feels that way.


i do think too much. yes. i totally agree.


sigh...


met mygreatlove and ain yesterday at mac. was pretty surprised to see both of them cuz i dont see people i know in bedok.


had a (weird) dream two days ago. i dreamt of practically all the close friends i made since primary school, regardless of whether or not they still are my close friends today. it was weird because i rarely dream about a large number of people. it was always just me and a small group of people or another person. but one thing's for sure. i always dream about old shopping malls, carparks and expressways. i'd really like to know what's stored in my head.


i actually didn't want to bring up the subject about my exams but oh well. i just cant wait for it to end.

show me the light

tomorrow is the first A level exam. hmm..am i scared? yes. will i do well? if there is a miracle.


sigh..


it has finally dawned on me that i have been taking it for granted that i can get what i wanted to get. and that i can get into a university.


fuck man. so what am i doing here you might ask, instead of studying? i'll say..im doing research for gp and cramming all that definitions of terms like developing countries and shit.


about 100 plus days ago i was complaining about how i want the exams to be over. 20 hrs away from my first paper, i dont wish otherwise. not at all. fuck this exam. i just want it to be over.

the way you look at me

hmm...i dont want to sound cheesy.. but im currently pretty happy with the way things are going for me.


:)


there is still that general fear. but i hope that this fear is unfounded and i will be proven wrong. if you know what im talking about.


anyway. i was just thinking..2 days ago. haha..dont you all think that piracy is a form of signal to all the producers of whatever it may be that their products are decreasing in quality and increasing in price? so much so that people do not want to support their products? i mean..think about it la. take...say.. snow patrol for example. i bought their second album wishing to show my support for the band only after listening to 2 songs on their album. how i wish i didn't buy that album okay. out of 12/13 songs, only 2 are remotely nice and like their last album. shit man..i could have spent my money on other things la! okay. not a very good example but still. im sure there are lots of people out there who are disappointed with the quality of the bands they support. yet with each album they sell, may it be good or bad, they will still earn the money.


piracy helps to bring about full consumer welfare while the products in the market only bring about full producer welfare.


i'll take piracy anytime for now baby. heh..

hmm...14 oct. must remember this day from today on. :)

midnight (number = 12)

hmm..was reading the article for Triskaidekaphobia (phobia for the number 13). quite interesting. heh.. especially the part when they said," Infamous serial killers Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer and Theodore Bundy all have 13 letters in their names." cool la!


then i realised that my name has 8 letters in it. and very coincidently, the number 8 appears in my time and date of birth. heh..probably doesn't mean anything la..but still quite interesting to know. hmm... haha..i know what anyone of you can get me for christmas already! haha..a numerology book! a proper, useful and relatively accurate one okay! not those.. "numerology for your sex life" kind. hmm...okay. so i do have one already. but that one is like quite summarised.


anyway. :) a sweet song.

Grow Old With You

by Adam Sandler

I wanna make you smile, whenever you're sad

Carry you around when your arthritis is bad

All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches

Build you a fire if the furnace breaks

Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you,

I'll Kiss you

Give you my coat when you are cold

I'll Need you,

I'll Feed you

Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink

Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink

I could be the man who grows old with you

I wanna grow old with you

best day(s) of my(or our) lives. heh..

being sentimental isn't what i always like to do. but once in a while i do like to take time to reflect on my life.


by the way, today is friday the 13th leh! nobody realise huh.


haha..anyway.


today marks the absolute last day of uniform life for me. 12 bloody years. some may say it is or was a waste of time to go school today just for farewell assembly. but i like to end my uniform life properly with smiles and photo-takings with the people who have come to mean a lot to me. i dont wish to argue with people who insist that today was a waste of time. because to me, i came to school to see my friends and to wish them all the best. not to see the teachers and take whatever they had to give.


yes, i do agree. going to meridian junior college isn't much fun. 5 years down the road, i'll look back and not remember the lectures or the teachers but the people with whom i've spent one and a half years with in our journey.


i do feel a tinge of sadness though. because sinyi (being damn stubborn) didnt want to come because she thought it was a waste of her time. but i guess i understand la..i still have the large majority of my ex-205 classmates with me.


i would like to say a thank you to the following people. i really love you girls (and guys. heh..) a lot and all of you mean so much to me. thank you for making the stay in mjc a bearable one for me just simply by being there every morning in the canteen like it's our unspoken secret meetings before morning assembly. those mornings will hold a special place in my heart.


thank you to:

===============================================









val cheah : thanks for the kisses and boy talks. heh.. *hug* im going to miss you darling.
===============================================

gracelyn : hmm... hahaha...
*MUACKS*

===============================================





charlyn : im really glad to have met you on our first day of school. =) thanks for all the sweet messages you've sent. they're all still in my phone. haha..





===============================================





cherlyn : pink, manicures and girl talks! thanks babe..having you around brightens up my days. :)






===============================================






stephanie : GG!! haha.. thanks for the conversations on our bus rides home. thanks for all the laughter and jokes. :)





===============================================





J-nice: though we are in a different class this year and we dont hang out often, but our get-togethers before exams are damn helpful and accurate la! haha.. jia you babe! then after that lets go out more often :)




===============================================






ale, ming ming and val darling : im sorry to just group all of you together. but it has become a habit! haha..im going to miss you girls.. :) for being so constant. *hug*




===============================================





hots : hmm.... *maybe* next time you should bring me around HK. haha..simply because you know the language. somehow or another we managed to miraculously reach an unspoken understanding of each other. heh.. thanks.




===============================================




elton : hmm....you seem to have this uncanny ability to show up in pictures unannounced. haha.. having you as my classmate was quite enjoyable. haha..especially the gossip sessions. oops..haha..hope that isn't a secret i wasn't suppose to tell.



===============================================







punks: no regrets. haha..


===============================================

hmm...okay. i know the post is like SUPER long. but i have a lot of nice pictures! haha..the following will all be photos.

heh... this is my favourite. but the best has yet to come. haha..look at the photo below.

haha!

ex-214 first 3 months. :)

if you notice, elton was not suppose to be in the picture. haha..just like in the picture of me and hots.

i conclude this entry with a picture of the class in 2005 (unfortunately i wasn't in it because of some stupid concert) and a picture of ms liu and i. hmm...she's v pretty hor..




good luck everyone. :) mug hard.

just be

the new day has started...heh...reminds me of lord of the rings...

qing tian

today was a pretty surprising day for me. i guess life has a way of surprising you just when you think everything is perfect. no, nothing bad happened. just genuinely surprised.


hmm...sinyi darling the following video is dedicated to you (cheh...haha...sounds a bit...)
hmm...i think you'll like it. pretty motivational. the lyrics are in the entry right below this. :)


reach - gloria estefan

reach

i stayed home today. but i feel like sleeping. why? i dont really understand. because i slept like 8/9 hours.


sigh..


anyway. 3 more weeks. and i dont feel like i have accomplished anything. i dreamt that i was taking an exam. and someone beside me was making a joke out of the exam. i wish i could be like that person. without a care for his future.

Reach
Gloria Estefan

Some dreams live on in time forever
Those dreams you want with all your heart
And I'll do whatever it takes
Follow through with the promise I make
Put it all on the line
What I hoped for at last would be mine
If I could reach, higher
Just for one moment touch the sky
From that one moment in my life
I'm gonna be stronger
Know that I've tried my very best
And put my spirit to the test
If I could reach

Some days are meant to be remembered
Those days we rise above the stars
So I'll go the distance this time
See it more the higher I climb
That the more I believe
All the more that this dream will be mine

If I could reach, higher
Just for one moment touch the sky
From that one moment in my life
I'm gonna be stronger
Know that I've tried my very best
Put my spirit to the test
If I could reach

If I
could reach, higher
Just for one moment touch the sky
From that one moment in my life
I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be so much stronger, yes I am
I put my spirit to the test
If I could reach
If I could if I could if I could reach
I'd reach I'd reach I'd reach so much higher

thank you for the venom

hmm... ... maybe it's just me thinking too much. like always.


but dont hurt me just because you're not in a good mood.

hear you and me

i realised that all the while i've been wishing for someone to lend a non-judgemental listening ear to me, i've not been doing it myself. a certain rock star once said that he will help all those delinquent juvenile criminals by just listening to what they have to say. because no one listened to them.


everyone wish to be heard. because they want to know that they matter to the world and what they think is worth being listened to. i want to be one of those who will just listen and try really hard to look from your point of view so that i can understand why you feel that way.


im feeling pretty tired..and scared. yup.. must keep going on..


no regrets.

take me away

sunday. hmm...this is the first day of the week and coincidently the first day of the month as well.


in another 33 days it would be what i've been building my pathetic life around. will i throw away everything by allowing myself to be distracted? i would like to think that im capable at managing my time. but the last 5 years and a half have shown me that im not even close. my head line showed me that it'll take me more effort than everyone else to focus. the last 2 days brought me lots of happiness..but is this just temporary like what i've been experiencing all along? this is a bad time to even contemplate this. it feels real. and it gave me hope. but im afraid to trust and afraid to give. hurt is an emotion i dont want to feel. i dont want to feel vulnerable to hurt. control is something i dont want to lose. but i am vulnerable. and im afraid. i am gullible and i still dont know how to differentiate between lies and truth. my sister once told me that i had to have a heart made of steel. that way i wont get hurt easily. im trying. i have the choice to stop. i know that. but...i dont want it to stop. because..i really do like him alot. there has to be a reason why we would meet at this moment. yes, i think a lot. i know. maybe there is no apparent reason at all. people lie to themselves all the time because they want to believe things are going the way they want it to. i like being with him. i like talking to him. i like the fact that we think along the same lines. i like that we share similar thoughts about lots of things. i like being around him. i like that he respects my decisions. i like that i can be more of myself than i could with c and asscrap. i like that he gives me space when i requests for it. i like that he does not push me to be with him and he's giving me time to let go of my fear. i really like him.


tomorrow is another day of school. :)


i'd be lying if i said im excited about it.

yesterday and today (is a huge difference to me. haha..)

okay. if you realise, im feeling high at this moment. haha.. dont know about later though. but for now.. :D


dont know why....haha..

always look for the silver lining

* WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS CONTENT THAT MAY DEPRESS OR IRRITATE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK *

periods. every girl has them (unless you're abnormal), and every now and then, it gets to them (again, unless you're abnormal).


for me, it is a very simple equation to predict my moods:

rate of mood swings during period = 2x normal days
and now, there is an addition of something new: cramps
hence the new equation is this:
rate of mood swings during period + cramps = unpredictable


happened to experience a high and then a low all in the matter of seconds today. mood has since not improved even after a nap. in fact, it has dulled my senses and made me feel even more lethargic. now, im feeling like reaally super SIAN. when i think of studying, all i can think about is the mahfan-ess of it, the feeling of loneliness that arises and the irritation at noisy stupid young brats.


i know i will snap out of it soon. this usually does not last. i merely just want to complain about something. and i know the blog will not talk back to me and will just absorb everything i need to say like a big never-ending sponge.


i hate cramps man. why does it have to hit me at such a old age????? i mean..hit me at 14 or 15 or 16 but not 18!!! dont ask me what's the logic behind this. i dont know. okay. focus on ability to look on the brightside... at least the magnitude of the cramps isn't so big???


arghhhhhhhh.........do not mess with somebody having period man. because you will never know what hit you when suddenly she turns into the "other person".


getting more irritated. shit. my blog-therapy is not working......


*SCREAMS IN DESPERATION*


what a way to die early...

almost blue

my results are out. not a significant improvement i must say. missed my goal mostly by like...sigh..close la. for maths and chem. as for my econs..sigh..okay. there's a grade jump only.


midyears:
F
F
F


prelims:
E
O
E


A levels?
A
B (i sincerely hope and am going to work towards this)
A


hmm....i can do it.

yesterday and today

hmm...just found out that D-A-I is splitting up. *gasp*


so sad...in case you're wondering, do as infinity is probably the inspiring band for FIR okay..haha..just want to bitch about SOMETHING.


got just a quarter of my grades back..they dont sound so good..on the brightside, i definitely improved though. but still. i want my Ds......not Es.......


need some...heh...when everything straightens out, i may have some news to tell. :D


but for now...sigh........................


*edit: okay. so im like damn slow. dai split up LAST YEAR at this time. so sad........and i didnt even know....all the while i thought they were still together...... such a depressing day..*