tired!!!!
but must jia you....sigh...i cant believe i acually motivated myself to get out of my bed and go to school...haha...
in case anyone is wondering, an E grade is considered a pass. haha....the lowest grade of pass. after that will be O than F. those are the failing grade by the way. duh! haha...
anybody want to accompany me tomorrow????? sigh...im going to school to study econs...don't think there's anyone who is actually going to accompany me...sigh...so sad...can't study alone leh...i need someone who can be like the motivator for me to stay focused...anyone in need of a motivator? who's like me??? we can motivate each other...haha...sian...i definately don't and can't study at home...my room is like a pig sty. it really looks like one...there are like SO many things that's going to distract me...like this computer for one...i don't have that dicipline yet...is that spelled correctly? dicipline?or is it disipline? hmm...the one with the s seems more correct...
hope i don't fail gp...have been failing...sigh...
anyway...i feel saturated. why can't there be active diffusion for knowledge? haha...wish i had the magic to let all the words diffuse into my already saturated brain. can you imagine that???haha...the words will just diffuse out because there is less concentration of words outside the brain and diffusion of solute takes place down a concentration gradient, from a region of higher concentration to a region of less concentration. right??? haha....
i hope i can finish econs by tomorrow...let me cross my fingers and toes...
so tired....sigh..
Friday, September 30, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
The World You Love
im currently hooked on jimmy eat world. =) this band and i have an on and off relationship man. haha...
here are some target setting for myself:
bio----E
chem-----E
econs-----E
maths-----C/D
=D
can't wait for the exam. haha...this is like the most hardworking week of my ENTIRE life. no kidding. haha...going to continue going to school to accomplish more...am hoping that there is someone out there who's like me: can only study with someone in school. i can't study anywhere else...help me psycho myself otherwise...haha...
okay. going to go shower now so i can finish my maths by today. can't wait for the exams to come!!! feel like im going to be ready for them. =D
blog tmr!
later =)
here are some target setting for myself:
bio----E
chem-----E
econs-----E
maths-----C/D
=D
can't wait for the exam. haha...this is like the most hardworking week of my ENTIRE life. no kidding. haha...going to continue going to school to accomplish more...am hoping that there is someone out there who's like me: can only study with someone in school. i can't study anywhere else...help me psycho myself otherwise...haha...
okay. going to go shower now so i can finish my maths by today. can't wait for the exams to come!!! feel like im going to be ready for them. =D
blog tmr!
later =)
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Don't Speak
this song speaks alot. =/...
anyway. i just want to thank him for sending me that message yesterday because it kind of helped me prove to myself that i have moved on. not completely, but slowly. im getting there. =)
i spent my yesternight at jan's and did 2 econs essay which i owed. but in the end it wasn't needed. haha...but i can say that today was quite fruitful in a sense that i have accomplished something. i feel quite happy =).
people my age are not mature yet. that's what makes us special isn't it? we're the neither here nor there people. im not angry at that comment. im just puzzled. i mean...why bother putting the class down? i don't know what is their motive...to humiliate me? to make me feel awful? why not do it in my face? if this is indeed the whole class then why not humiliate me in public? hmm...i don't even know anybody from there...which means they have no idea what im like...
if you think just reading someone's blog means knowing the person then you're wrong.
okay...im quite bothered by that comment...it means that i have unknowingly garnered some unwanted attention.
can't wait for promos to be over. seriously.
here's wishing the people who read my blog (whether you like me or not) good luck in your exams. =)
erjie, i love you okay?? =D
anyway. i just want to thank him for sending me that message yesterday because it kind of helped me prove to myself that i have moved on. not completely, but slowly. im getting there. =)
i spent my yesternight at jan's and did 2 econs essay which i owed. but in the end it wasn't needed. haha...but i can say that today was quite fruitful in a sense that i have accomplished something. i feel quite happy =).
people my age are not mature yet. that's what makes us special isn't it? we're the neither here nor there people. im not angry at that comment. im just puzzled. i mean...why bother putting the class down? i don't know what is their motive...to humiliate me? to make me feel awful? why not do it in my face? if this is indeed the whole class then why not humiliate me in public? hmm...i don't even know anybody from there...which means they have no idea what im like...
if you think just reading someone's blog means knowing the person then you're wrong.
okay...im quite bothered by that comment...it means that i have unknowingly garnered some unwanted attention.
can't wait for promos to be over. seriously.
here's wishing the people who read my blog (whether you like me or not) good luck in your exams. =)
erjie, i love you okay?? =D
Monday, September 26, 2005
23
i love that song. for now.
you know, i have to admit something. im addicted to blogging. unless i have something better to occupy my time with la...haha...
i wanted to blog today cuz i wanted to complain about someone. erm. i know im gonna sound like a spoilt brat. but i think this person and i have ABSOLUTELY nothing similar in face features thus conveniently explaining why i dislike this person so much. i just cant figure out what makes me so mad about this person. one reason i can think of is that im jealous of her. that's a reasonable reason. oops. just told the whole world that this person is a she. i really can't tolerate her you know...the way she speaks, laughs, walks, runs, converse, discusses, anything. i don't know why. my limit was reached today during class. somehow i just snapped. i showed my black face. that is something i really SELDOM do in class no matter how upset i am because i believe it's not polite. man..i just remembered that time i was in this meeting and i told the girls that we broke up then she PINCHED my cheeks and was like "oh she's so cute!" i couldn't believe she did it la! it was like totally out of context! also, i dislike people i don't like touching me. especially my face. okay. generally, i dislike people touching my face, let alone pinch it. i mean hello!!! we're no longer primary or secondary school kids! women's face is like super important and sensitive! now i try to stay away from her. i hope i no longer get to be alone with her. very mean of me right...but i figured if i don't like her i shouldn't be such a hypocrite about it. if i don't want to be nice to her i should stop acting like i care. i hope i'll be able to be totally professional about this. fancy im the class chairperson. i really should step down. not doing a good job of bringing the class together. i think it's all bullshit la...all these (as what jan said) class politics. i pledge to remain neutral. my loyalties lies with jan. haha!!
my thumb was trembling involuntarily the whole of today. i haven't got that in such a long time. i wonder if my brain is really fried? i'll like to have it steamed though...more healthy.
i don't know if i've turned into a cynic but there isn't anything in this world worth living for. especially in this stupid country. when you're born, you have your life mapped out for you. fuck that illusion about choice. life is always going to be monotonous no matter how hard you try to make it interesting. all one is going to do is to be educated then work. till you die. what has the world come to? it's the same everywhere. education is becoming more and more stupid and useless. people are getting more and more stupid and gullible, easily bluffed by the governments. everyone is getting more and more materialistic and selfish. what is the world coming to? when will the world end? i think when that time comes i'd rather kill myself than continuing living in this stupid world. even the elderly are SIGNIFICANTLY MORE kiasu than the younger generation. what the fuck la...
sigh........................................
i was born into this world for a reason...just wish i knew what that was...
you know, i have to admit something. im addicted to blogging. unless i have something better to occupy my time with la...haha...
i wanted to blog today cuz i wanted to complain about someone. erm. i know im gonna sound like a spoilt brat. but i think this person and i have ABSOLUTELY nothing similar in face features thus conveniently explaining why i dislike this person so much. i just cant figure out what makes me so mad about this person. one reason i can think of is that im jealous of her. that's a reasonable reason. oops. just told the whole world that this person is a she. i really can't tolerate her you know...the way she speaks, laughs, walks, runs, converse, discusses, anything. i don't know why. my limit was reached today during class. somehow i just snapped. i showed my black face. that is something i really SELDOM do in class no matter how upset i am because i believe it's not polite. man..i just remembered that time i was in this meeting and i told the girls that we broke up then she PINCHED my cheeks and was like "oh she's so cute!" i couldn't believe she did it la! it was like totally out of context! also, i dislike people i don't like touching me. especially my face. okay. generally, i dislike people touching my face, let alone pinch it. i mean hello!!! we're no longer primary or secondary school kids! women's face is like super important and sensitive! now i try to stay away from her. i hope i no longer get to be alone with her. very mean of me right...but i figured if i don't like her i shouldn't be such a hypocrite about it. if i don't want to be nice to her i should stop acting like i care. i hope i'll be able to be totally professional about this. fancy im the class chairperson. i really should step down. not doing a good job of bringing the class together. i think it's all bullshit la...all these (as what jan said) class politics. i pledge to remain neutral. my loyalties lies with jan. haha!!
my thumb was trembling involuntarily the whole of today. i haven't got that in such a long time. i wonder if my brain is really fried? i'll like to have it steamed though...more healthy.
i don't know if i've turned into a cynic but there isn't anything in this world worth living for. especially in this stupid country. when you're born, you have your life mapped out for you. fuck that illusion about choice. life is always going to be monotonous no matter how hard you try to make it interesting. all one is going to do is to be educated then work. till you die. what has the world come to? it's the same everywhere. education is becoming more and more stupid and useless. people are getting more and more stupid and gullible, easily bluffed by the governments. everyone is getting more and more materialistic and selfish. what is the world coming to? when will the world end? i think when that time comes i'd rather kill myself than continuing living in this stupid world. even the elderly are SIGNIFICANTLY MORE kiasu than the younger generation. what the fuck la...
sigh........................................
i was born into this world for a reason...just wish i knew what that was...
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Nothing Wrong
Girls. if you think we girls who do not experience cramps are lucky, you ought to think twice. well, yes, we do not experience those painful cramping sessions which can last very long but you know, effects of mestruation can come in different forms. such as diarrhoea. okay, it may seem like heaven. but i can assure you that it is NOT. seriously la..when you have cramps you can skip school!! i cant. oops. i just admitted. haha...i have yet to experience what cramps feel like. am i an alien? oh no! perhaps i am. NOT. i thought i could get away from the effects you know...some wishful thinking of mine when i found out that i don't have cramps! and all my other friends have. but too bad! my aunt decided to play a trick on me. she gave me an illusion that i won't ever get any ill effects. stupid aunt....now i have to go to the toilet every so often. irritating man! can you imagine the extreme discomfort every minute? that's like even worse than cramps la! plus cannot fake an excuse. so shitty. haha...i sound like such a spoilt brat. okay. before you go into a criticisng mode, please allow me to say that i know i have no freaking idea what it is like to have cramps. i imagine it to be extremely painful and perhaps even more uncomfortable than diarrhoea. i guess i can count myself lucky that i don't experience any pain throughout my teenage life. just some slight discomfort.
hmm....it sounds quite sick isn't it? but i wouldn't trade anything to become a boy.
oh. boys in singapore are wimps man...they complain that women nowadays are like so independent..blah blah blah... but you know what? deep down inside, they expect their women to BE independent and unexpecting. have they ever asked themselves why SUCCESSFUL and INDEPENDENT women almost always go with caucasians? because they treat their women BETTER that's why...i want to be successful AND beautiful too... haha..so i can have men at my feet. haha! like real. that thought is not appealing at all...all those pitiful men. so poor thing...i wouldn't want those men to suffer like that. maybe even treating me like a prize to be won. hmmm.....what's my point? haha...not sure.
okay that aside. on another note, i just want to say that i love you erjie!!! i will try my best to make you feel better! =)
okay. better not waste anymore time.
later
hmm....it sounds quite sick isn't it? but i wouldn't trade anything to become a boy.
oh. boys in singapore are wimps man...they complain that women nowadays are like so independent..blah blah blah... but you know what? deep down inside, they expect their women to BE independent and unexpecting. have they ever asked themselves why SUCCESSFUL and INDEPENDENT women almost always go with caucasians? because they treat their women BETTER that's why...i want to be successful AND beautiful too... haha..so i can have men at my feet. haha! like real. that thought is not appealing at all...all those pitiful men. so poor thing...i wouldn't want those men to suffer like that. maybe even treating me like a prize to be won. hmmm.....what's my point? haha...not sure.
okay that aside. on another note, i just want to say that i love you erjie!!! i will try my best to make you feel better! =)
okay. better not waste anymore time.
later
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Do As Infinity
i spent the whole day with jan today =). haha...studying with her in the morn then going out to destress!!!! haha...i love u jan! =D
because of jan's connections =) i managed to meet muslim. he's quite nice. a people's person actually. can see. i wonder how he does that. making people feel comfortable around him. this is a person very hard to hate. no wonder he's the head of council. cool...
i wonder when my aunt will go away. hope she does soon...cant stand it man! so troublesome you know!! have to entertain her constantly...take care of her...can't she just leave me alone.......so shit. and my aunt is not real. im crazy. haha... i won't say things like this about my aunts one la...haha...i love them and they are SO nice to me...=D
when one is lonely, DONT GO ORCHARD. you'll just feel more like shit. especially when you just break off from a relationship. sigh...soooo many couples...can't stand it man...but i had my favourite ice cream today!! =) when im feeling sad, sweet jap deserts will do the trick! =) or anything jap. you know. like a jap restaurant. not just ANY okay...must be those with some class...not that sakei or genki (ugh...*shudders*). i swear if one goes to a jap restaurant with class, one will immediately feel better!! perhaps it's just me. haha...spent all my money on comics and jap food today. can't wait to go japan and EAT!!!! haha...it's so sad. i used to put 'i live to eat' as my motto. now it's 'i eat to live'...so sad. i think i lost quite a lot of weight. the last time i weighed myself i think i was 46kg. hmm....i think im glad but am unhealthy. haha...better lose and not gain right???? =D
so sucks. going to read comics now.
haha...shower first actually. i just reach hmoe not too long ago. hitched a ride from jan's dad. thank you uncle!! and jan!! =)
okay.
later!!! =)
because of jan's connections =) i managed to meet muslim. he's quite nice. a people's person actually. can see. i wonder how he does that. making people feel comfortable around him. this is a person very hard to hate. no wonder he's the head of council. cool...
i wonder when my aunt will go away. hope she does soon...cant stand it man! so troublesome you know!! have to entertain her constantly...take care of her...can't she just leave me alone.......so shit. and my aunt is not real. im crazy. haha... i won't say things like this about my aunts one la...haha...i love them and they are SO nice to me...=D
when one is lonely, DONT GO ORCHARD. you'll just feel more like shit. especially when you just break off from a relationship. sigh...soooo many couples...can't stand it man...but i had my favourite ice cream today!! =) when im feeling sad, sweet jap deserts will do the trick! =) or anything jap. you know. like a jap restaurant. not just ANY okay...must be those with some class...not that sakei or genki (ugh...*shudders*). i swear if one goes to a jap restaurant with class, one will immediately feel better!! perhaps it's just me. haha...spent all my money on comics and jap food today. can't wait to go japan and EAT!!!! haha...it's so sad. i used to put 'i live to eat' as my motto. now it's 'i eat to live'...so sad. i think i lost quite a lot of weight. the last time i weighed myself i think i was 46kg. hmm....i think im glad but am unhealthy. haha...better lose and not gain right???? =D
so sucks. going to read comics now.
haha...shower first actually. i just reach hmoe not too long ago. hitched a ride from jan's dad. thank you uncle!! and jan!! =)
okay.
later!!! =)
Friday, September 23, 2005
Tangerine Dream
i almost forgot that i am a woman today. haha!!! my aunt came to visit today and told me that i am a woman. i was like staring blankly at her and thinking how come she's suddenly my aunt. haha...
i actually just wanted to blog that down. don't really have much of an evaluation to do today (eeks...*vomits*).
going to read comics now!!! =) now i have SO much time to myself that i have returned to my comics who will always be there for me. unless somebody burns them of course...i hope no one does that! hmm....have yet to put stagnant water beside my bed but i have slept with my windows open for the past few nights!!! i thought mosquitoes LOVE A+ blood? maybe i should put up an advertisement for the mosquitoes. haha...i wonder how do i do that? do they even have brains? hmm...i learnt that ants only have 4 chromosomes in their cells while we have 23. imagine that man! the sheer bad karma you accumulate to become something with only 4 chromosomes!
i think i have quietened down on my thoughts and have stopped being angry at nothing. that's good...means that i have ....erm. i just forgot what i wanted to say. oh! okay. wanted to say it means that i have stopped making a fool of myself. YAY! finally. haha...
but can it mean that i have moved out of my black phase???? cool...a very cool transition.
oh i just remembered that i have NO time to practice squash la! how?????????????
gonna lose SO badly...................................
man....
okay. going to read my wonderful now.
later =D
i actually just wanted to blog that down. don't really have much of an evaluation to do today (eeks...*vomits*).
going to read comics now!!! =) now i have SO much time to myself that i have returned to my comics who will always be there for me. unless somebody burns them of course...i hope no one does that! hmm....have yet to put stagnant water beside my bed but i have slept with my windows open for the past few nights!!! i thought mosquitoes LOVE A+ blood? maybe i should put up an advertisement for the mosquitoes. haha...i wonder how do i do that? do they even have brains? hmm...i learnt that ants only have 4 chromosomes in their cells while we have 23. imagine that man! the sheer bad karma you accumulate to become something with only 4 chromosomes!
i think i have quietened down on my thoughts and have stopped being angry at nothing. that's good...means that i have ....erm. i just forgot what i wanted to say. oh! okay. wanted to say it means that i have stopped making a fool of myself. YAY! finally. haha...
but can it mean that i have moved out of my black phase???? cool...a very cool transition.
oh i just remembered that i have NO time to practice squash la! how?????????????
gonna lose SO badly...................................
man....
okay. going to read my wonderful now.
later =D
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Raven
see that white patch of fur??? that is her TUMMY man...need to get for her trimfit. haha!!! i had thought she was pregnant la...she's lying around near me because she just wants me to feed her!! booboo...haha...she's my lovely companion, thank you very much. sometimes she sleeps with me. shhhhh........dnt tell anyone okay? =D *wink*
Remember when it rained
yesterday i had lots of fun with my dearest sister singing and grooving along to a couple of bands from her school. quite cool la...can't stand it. there were a few bands who were VERY fantastic. probably much better than that ronin band. much better. seriously.
anyway.
i have a worst fear. i found it today. i hope it never happens. haha...it is not failing promos. i saw something which i thought i wasn't meant to see today and my heart stopped when i thought i saw what i saw. i was numb after that. but when i finally got a closer look i realise it is not what i thought it was and my heart kind of relaxed. well...i think the way im writing it is like so obvious...im the queen of subtlety!!! not!!! haha...
my stomach is killing me man...
today is the 22nd of sept. it has been one month into my 17th year on earth and i don't see anything good happening. is this what the rest of my months of being 17 going to be like??? sigh....what the hell...
i wonder is there a way to communicate without talking. long distance. by "not talking" i mean not communicating through email...sms...morse code...signals...you know...through mediums you can see. well...i tried to communicate today...i focused very hard. but i have no idea if it worked because i had no response. maybe it just means it did not work. haha...or perhaps i didn't focus hard enough. i have no idea what to say too actually. and im actually afraid of the kind of response i'll get. maybe that is what is stopping my communication. hmm....going to try later.
yuck. my feet smells man...can't stand it.
i feel like listening to do as infinity. i miss my cds man...lost. just like that. freask. i don't get it man...my school is really quite small. like shit. there is no place you can hide there. promos are coming to an end!!!!! cant wait!!! still got 20 more days before promos OFFICIALLY ENDS!!! YAY!!! =D
and it has not started yet. haha!!!
im tired of analysing some shit that intelligent people have to say. questions like- explain what the author meant by....Please use your own words as much as possible- are shit man!!! stupid people...have too much time on their hands. why would i even want to analyse what the freask he/she is talking about? then why can't these STUPID MARKERS ANALYSE WHAT I AM SAYING? what qualifies people to give useful quotes? what makes famous people so quotable? rubbish la...stupid people with too much time on their hands. freask the govt. ha! see whether i will get arrested.
freask.
argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cant stand it.
fear is like a virus. it is never destroyed. it lies just under the surface and it will break free whenever immunity is low. my immunity is currently quite low. emotionally la...wish it was the body kind.
hmm....shall put a basin of clean stagnant water beside my bed and sleep with all my windows open. haha...
i was thinking in the car today. will i die soon because of retribution? will i get to say that i saw the moth on my wall and i saw it blink at me? will i be afraid? actually, i think if is there retribution, dying is too easy. let's cross all my fingers and toes and hope if i get retribution i will die.
what the freask am i talking about. haha...
i have no idea whether im just joking or not. haha...go see this website. haha...very cute.
Everyone has had more sex than me
haha...it's not sexy. swear.
anyway.
going to shoo now...can't stand my feet smell.
dengue fever please come!!!! =D
anyway.
i have a worst fear. i found it today. i hope it never happens. haha...it is not failing promos. i saw something which i thought i wasn't meant to see today and my heart stopped when i thought i saw what i saw. i was numb after that. but when i finally got a closer look i realise it is not what i thought it was and my heart kind of relaxed. well...i think the way im writing it is like so obvious...im the queen of subtlety!!! not!!! haha...
my stomach is killing me man...
today is the 22nd of sept. it has been one month into my 17th year on earth and i don't see anything good happening. is this what the rest of my months of being 17 going to be like??? sigh....what the hell...
i wonder is there a way to communicate without talking. long distance. by "not talking" i mean not communicating through email...sms...morse code...signals...you know...through mediums you can see. well...i tried to communicate today...i focused very hard. but i have no idea if it worked because i had no response. maybe it just means it did not work. haha...or perhaps i didn't focus hard enough. i have no idea what to say too actually. and im actually afraid of the kind of response i'll get. maybe that is what is stopping my communication. hmm....going to try later.
yuck. my feet smells man...can't stand it.
i feel like listening to do as infinity. i miss my cds man...lost. just like that. freask. i don't get it man...my school is really quite small. like shit. there is no place you can hide there. promos are coming to an end!!!!! cant wait!!! still got 20 more days before promos OFFICIALLY ENDS!!! YAY!!! =D
and it has not started yet. haha!!!
im tired of analysing some shit that intelligent people have to say. questions like- explain what the author meant by....Please use your own words as much as possible- are shit man!!! stupid people...have too much time on their hands. why would i even want to analyse what the freask he/she is talking about? then why can't these STUPID MARKERS ANALYSE WHAT I AM SAYING? what qualifies people to give useful quotes? what makes famous people so quotable? rubbish la...stupid people with too much time on their hands. freask the govt. ha! see whether i will get arrested.
freask.
argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cant stand it.
fear is like a virus. it is never destroyed. it lies just under the surface and it will break free whenever immunity is low. my immunity is currently quite low. emotionally la...wish it was the body kind.
hmm....shall put a basin of clean stagnant water beside my bed and sleep with all my windows open. haha...
i was thinking in the car today. will i die soon because of retribution? will i get to say that i saw the moth on my wall and i saw it blink at me? will i be afraid? actually, i think if is there retribution, dying is too easy. let's cross all my fingers and toes and hope if i get retribution i will die.
what the freask am i talking about. haha...
i have no idea whether im just joking or not. haha...go see this website. haha...very cute.
Everyone has had more sex than me
haha...it's not sexy. swear.
anyway.
going to shoo now...can't stand my feet smell.
dengue fever please come!!!! =D
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
If I had A hammer
i bet there are people who hate me...i really wish i can grow up and forgo this stage of growth totally. the seven months seemed like a complete dream. it had never happened. for past year i have been sleeping and making that dream up. i wish for the total eradication of the pain. i wish for the feeling to finalisation. i wish this didn't end so near promos. i wish i didn't have an exam to worry about and just concentrate on healing. i wish i had a heart of steel so i can stop caring totally and stop making a fool of myself. i wish i was an ice-queen. i wish i could control my emotions well. i wish i wish i wish...i wish i could find peace with myself. i wish i can forgive myself. i wish i can stop hurting the people i love. i wish i wasn't such a loner. i wish i can stop being so selfish and self-centered. i wish i can stop wasting people's time. i wish i knew how to stop. i wish i knew myself. i wish i knew what i want. i wish all my wishes could all come true.
im losing my identity. who am i?
i know only i can find it out myself. but right now, i feel like a total bitch who's no better than someone i despise totally. i have no backbone. i have no thoughts of my own. where is the previously supposedly strong person whom i always thought myelf to be? why am i being replaced by a coward who calls others a coward and don't mean what i say? when have i become such a two faced hypocrite? why am i always saying things to seek the attention of people? i wish i can stop. i don't want to give up because i want to be strong. emotionally and mentally. i want to stand up and proudly say that i did things my way. i don't want to go school and start shivering from fright and nervousness. i want to be happy. i don't my mouth to always look like this --> =( . i want to remain unknown to the people in my school...someone not at all important so i can pass my life quietly. i wish to pass promos.
i don't want to be such a failure.
i don't want to be a weakling.
i have to face the consequences for writing such a venomous entry. i have to face the fact that we are NEVER going to be back together because i had probably ruined whatever chance i had whenever i write something especially to hurt him on my blog. i have to face the fact that he doesn't want me anymore and i'll just be someone who had hurt him so much. this is a fact. i have to face it and move on. i can't be stuck here forever. i wish we could have a heart to heart talk like last time. but that's the point isn't it? things are never going to go back to like last time. he probably finds me such an irritant. things can't be undone once done. the only way i can go about doing it is to move my focus to something else...
it's raining heavily now...something that is rare...
i wish i can adhere to what im saying.
is there anyone out there willing to kill me or if not kill then hit me till i pass out from the pain? i think physical pain will be more bearable than emotional pain.
i have wasted time. again.
sigh...
will blog more next time.
im losing my identity. who am i?
i know only i can find it out myself. but right now, i feel like a total bitch who's no better than someone i despise totally. i have no backbone. i have no thoughts of my own. where is the previously supposedly strong person whom i always thought myelf to be? why am i being replaced by a coward who calls others a coward and don't mean what i say? when have i become such a two faced hypocrite? why am i always saying things to seek the attention of people? i wish i can stop. i don't want to give up because i want to be strong. emotionally and mentally. i want to stand up and proudly say that i did things my way. i don't want to go school and start shivering from fright and nervousness. i want to be happy. i don't my mouth to always look like this --> =( . i want to remain unknown to the people in my school...someone not at all important so i can pass my life quietly. i wish to pass promos.
i don't want to be such a failure.
i don't want to be a weakling.
i have to face the consequences for writing such a venomous entry. i have to face the fact that we are NEVER going to be back together because i had probably ruined whatever chance i had whenever i write something especially to hurt him on my blog. i have to face the fact that he doesn't want me anymore and i'll just be someone who had hurt him so much. this is a fact. i have to face it and move on. i can't be stuck here forever. i wish we could have a heart to heart talk like last time. but that's the point isn't it? things are never going to go back to like last time. he probably finds me such an irritant. things can't be undone once done. the only way i can go about doing it is to move my focus to something else...
it's raining heavily now...something that is rare...
i wish i can adhere to what im saying.
is there anyone out there willing to kill me or if not kill then hit me till i pass out from the pain? i think physical pain will be more bearable than emotional pain.
i have wasted time. again.
sigh...
will blog more next time.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Hold On
me and my lovely yiyun!! =) don't know what i'll do without you. i had a great day today and yesterday! im glad i met up with you to study. you help me forget most things and give me a very strong sense of security. haha...
i really hope nothing bad will happen to our friendship.
i love you!! =D
i love er jie too!! =D
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Make A Move
i think my theory that one is only attracted to another who's face looks like them holds true. even if it isn't my theory, i believe it.
if you don't believe, look at your boy/girlfriend or take a couple picture. look at both of your faces and analyse closely. you will realise you closely resemble your mate though you guys don't look alike at all. notice closely!!!
if your mate don't look like you at all or if you just can't find any similar features on your faces, im sorry but both of you will break up. sooner or later. trust me. i've noticed couples and each of their faces (only on pictures of course...they are the easiest). Most long lasting ones look alike. don't believe? go have a look.
i think people are attracted to others who look like them because they are most comfortable with their own faces. as in, if one is with a person who does not look like him/her at all, he/she will feel uncomfortable. i think this applies to friends and even family members. the more alike you guys look, the more comfortable you guys will feel with each other. i guess this explains part of why some people just can't be on good terms with their siblings or parents, and why some just can't fit in with others. example, i can't seem to be myself when im with some girls in my class. in fact, im most comfortable with my family, yiyun , janice, nad and tiffany (and augustine). seldom can i mix well with others. okay. analyse nad and i:
don't you find that we look a little alike?? okay. what about erm...me and yi yun:
again, notice the similarity. erm what okay...i hope charlyn and joanne don't kill me but here's a picture of them. they are both quite close in class:
how??? still don't believe??? i have yet to take a proper picture with jan so no prove. yet. erm what about me and augustine? hmmm....
do we look alike? you cannot deny the fact that we do look similar...or perhaps i can't see it. what about you? what do you think?
i got the idea when 8 days came out with an article that allan wu and wong lilin look like each other and fann wong and chris lee too. thus if this is not my theory then...too bad.. haha...
perhaps this is already an established theory but i have realised it without reading about it. or perhaps this is my theory. haha...if it is then i'll be happy to have something i can call my own. however, if someone as common as me can realise this i think there will already be someone else who have realised this earlier. and have researched and published a journal on this theory.
go see your parents' faces!! you will be a bit freaked out. haha...
this is a picture of my siblings and i...we all look quite similar like we should...we VERY VERY seldom have fights with each other...perhaps once a year?? =)
compare my erjie and i. we look VERY alike right?
hmmm...does that explain why we are so close? me and yiyun, nad, tiff (and august) too...
i'll end off with a picture of my parents and i. hope this is enlightening. haha!!! i think you guys will have actually known. only i have not. haha...
if you don't believe, look at your boy/girlfriend or take a couple picture. look at both of your faces and analyse closely. you will realise you closely resemble your mate though you guys don't look alike at all. notice closely!!!
if your mate don't look like you at all or if you just can't find any similar features on your faces, im sorry but both of you will break up. sooner or later. trust me. i've noticed couples and each of their faces (only on pictures of course...they are the easiest). Most long lasting ones look alike. don't believe? go have a look.
i think people are attracted to others who look like them because they are most comfortable with their own faces. as in, if one is with a person who does not look like him/her at all, he/she will feel uncomfortable. i think this applies to friends and even family members. the more alike you guys look, the more comfortable you guys will feel with each other. i guess this explains part of why some people just can't be on good terms with their siblings or parents, and why some just can't fit in with others. example, i can't seem to be myself when im with some girls in my class. in fact, im most comfortable with my family, yiyun , janice, nad and tiffany (and augustine). seldom can i mix well with others. okay. analyse nad and i:
don't you find that we look a little alike?? okay. what about erm...me and yi yun:
again, notice the similarity. erm what okay...i hope charlyn and joanne don't kill me but here's a picture of them. they are both quite close in class:
how??? still don't believe??? i have yet to take a proper picture with jan so no prove. yet. erm what about me and augustine? hmmm....
do we look alike? you cannot deny the fact that we do look similar...or perhaps i can't see it. what about you? what do you think?
i got the idea when 8 days came out with an article that allan wu and wong lilin look like each other and fann wong and chris lee too. thus if this is not my theory then...too bad.. haha...
perhaps this is already an established theory but i have realised it without reading about it. or perhaps this is my theory. haha...if it is then i'll be happy to have something i can call my own. however, if someone as common as me can realise this i think there will already be someone else who have realised this earlier. and have researched and published a journal on this theory.
go see your parents' faces!! you will be a bit freaked out. haha...
this is a picture of my siblings and i...we all look quite similar like we should...we VERY VERY seldom have fights with each other...perhaps once a year?? =)
compare my erjie and i. we look VERY alike right?
hmmm...does that explain why we are so close? me and yiyun, nad, tiff (and august) too...
i'll end off with a picture of my parents and i. hope this is enlightening. haha!!! i think you guys will have actually known. only i have not. haha...
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire (haha!!!)
me and tiffany!! doesn't she just look so beautiful???haha...im not joking. miss u babe!
Dosed
i am quite tired man...=)
drifting between being such a despo and being a monster. haha...
im just waiting for promos to pass...waiting...waiting...waiting...
it's going to be what im good at man!! haha... i signed up for squash 2 days ago...it's for the interhouse games. dno whether i'll like lose horribly or something. all of them who joined are squash members la!! haha...going to train very hard after promos..have to buy the shoes first!! haha...haven't buy the shoes yet...hmmm...
time really pass quite fast when im doing something other then studying...=> studying lengthens the time and make it seem like time is VERY long. haha!!!
going off now...
type more next time
later
drifting between being such a despo and being a monster. haha...
im just waiting for promos to pass...waiting...waiting...waiting...
it's going to be what im good at man!! haha... i signed up for squash 2 days ago...it's for the interhouse games. dno whether i'll like lose horribly or something. all of them who joined are squash members la!! haha...going to train very hard after promos..have to buy the shoes first!! haha...haven't buy the shoes yet...hmmm...
time really pass quite fast when im doing something other then studying...=> studying lengthens the time and make it seem like time is VERY long. haha!!!
going off now...
type more next time
later
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Fake
i'd just like to say that all the pictures you guys first see when you read my blog are all 100% mine. as in i took them. if you do find it nice and would like to have a copy of it by simply saving it into your com you can do so (haha...like so bhb). but please tell me first okay??? =D i'd really appreciate it. =D
Anaylse
i just witnessed something that made me think for quite some time. okay. not so long la...in one hour?? haha.. anyway. it was an overturned taxi. it'll most probably come up in the news later. i mean not many taxis in singapore actually overturn in the middle of the road right...plus the road only have like 2 lanes and the taxi was lying on the right lane, away from the pavement.
what's so scary about that right? oh did i mention that i was a bit freaked out? okay. i was. for like 5 minutes (hehe!). the main reason why i wanted to type this down is because i wanted to say that singaporeans are indeed very sheltered. and very lucky.
in places like southern thailand and iraq, violence is evident everyday in their lives. everyday we hear about bombings...terrorist activities...all these have made us feel like it's normal to see them everyday. but do we truly understand the pain, the instability which the people living there feel? of course we don't. i have always thought i could imagine the pain and thought that perhaps i do understand. but today, i finally realise that i don't. not even close to understanding. so when political leaders say they understand, they don't even come close.
seeing that overturned car in reality, which is common in movies, tv shows and newspaper, has given me the creeps. what if the person in that car was my family members? or me? it was smashed up. the space where the backseat had been was flat. there can be no possible way the passenger in the backseat had survived. but i think it had only been the driver. i really hope he or she is okay.
i felt that i needed to blog this because i think i will forget about it. maybe even by tomorrow, i will have already forgotten what it feels like to be up close.
i don't ever want to be a forensic scientist or police anymore. shows like CSI are bad. they cause youth like me to think being a forensic scientist is a very easy job to do, to get. now that im studying chemistry and being very bad at it, i FINALLY realise that those people up there on tv (or rather the characters in the show) are VERY smart. not only are they smart, they are the cream of the crop. being the first to arrive at the crime scene, they have to witness the full "glory" of the crime/accident. the police too. but the forensic scientists have to investigate the cause of it. can you imagine the immense psychological wall they have to erect in order to not get affected emotionally by it? i read a novel by micheal connelly, the poet, and there was one line that really caught my attention. he said that in every one of the people working in the field in the police force, there is a limit. this limit is the number of dead bodies you can tahan. everyone's number is different. it could be 20, 1000, 10 000 or even a million, but you will never know what is your number until you hit it. when you do, you will either commit suicide or turn in your badge and do something different. it's probably not his theory...but anyway, i find that i agree with this theory. there is only so much you can take. i don't understand what it'll feel like to see someone's brain lying somewhere on the floor but i hope i will never get to see it.
i think im getting no where. sigh...it's amazing how rapid the brain works in deleting the memory which one does not want to remember. i have already forgotten what it is like to sit next to augustine. to smell him. to hold his hand. to talk to him comfortably. to go out with him. to hug him. to be hugged by him...i know the memory is in me. but i can no longer feel the memories. to draw comfort in it. it's sad. i have even forgotten how he had hurt me. i have forgotten why in the first place i want to hurt him and how i had wished that he could understand me more. why did i do all the hurting things to him without even realising it? or even if i did, why didn't i try to change? why??? i don't know. it's sad that i'll probably never get the chance to try again. oh well. people move on too fast. the ability to get over something bad is fast and scary. how to know how much to forget and how much to keep? i guess one learns with age.
my theory is that men only finally mature when they are 50 years old. or even 60. depends on the man i guess. when i mean mature i mean when they FINALLY know how to appreciate their wife, the importance of a family and an education, how to think for others, you know...things most women will already know by the time they are 30.
im not a feminist. in fact, i do think men are superior in certain aspects. such as physical strength, emotional strength (but some men are women-like. that's sad. an example is er jie's ex-friend. his name starts with an s. oh man. so suiting. haha!!! he is an ass. okay lame), and in certain subjects such as physics, chemistry and history. it also can't be helped that there ARE gender bias-ness in politics. i am one of those who find that a woman in politics means instability to the country. so if there is a woman candidate running for prime minister or heading a political party, i will not vote for her unless she is the ONLY candidate who seems trustworthy.
yes, i will not deny that i am conservative and i freely admit i am not an extreme feminist. i am, however, thankful that because there are women who are extremist, that is why i am able to have an education today. someone has to be extreme first in order for people like me to remain neutral. we therefore should not condemn terrorists that much because good things HAVE been generated because of their appearance. good things such as awareness, better security, better government policies and better government. of course there are other things good that are generated but i can't think of any more.
however, i MUST STRESS that changes through a medium like this is NOT good. because THOUSANDS ( or maybe even MILLIONS) have INNOCENTLY lost their lives just so we can have all these better things. i mean are these better things really WORTH those lives lost??? definately not.
oh man...this is such a long entry.
alright. will vomit more philosophical thoughts next time.
later.
what's so scary about that right? oh did i mention that i was a bit freaked out? okay. i was. for like 5 minutes (hehe!). the main reason why i wanted to type this down is because i wanted to say that singaporeans are indeed very sheltered. and very lucky.
in places like southern thailand and iraq, violence is evident everyday in their lives. everyday we hear about bombings...terrorist activities...all these have made us feel like it's normal to see them everyday. but do we truly understand the pain, the instability which the people living there feel? of course we don't. i have always thought i could imagine the pain and thought that perhaps i do understand. but today, i finally realise that i don't. not even close to understanding. so when political leaders say they understand, they don't even come close.
seeing that overturned car in reality, which is common in movies, tv shows and newspaper, has given me the creeps. what if the person in that car was my family members? or me? it was smashed up. the space where the backseat had been was flat. there can be no possible way the passenger in the backseat had survived. but i think it had only been the driver. i really hope he or she is okay.
i felt that i needed to blog this because i think i will forget about it. maybe even by tomorrow, i will have already forgotten what it feels like to be up close.
i don't ever want to be a forensic scientist or police anymore. shows like CSI are bad. they cause youth like me to think being a forensic scientist is a very easy job to do, to get. now that im studying chemistry and being very bad at it, i FINALLY realise that those people up there on tv (or rather the characters in the show) are VERY smart. not only are they smart, they are the cream of the crop. being the first to arrive at the crime scene, they have to witness the full "glory" of the crime/accident. the police too. but the forensic scientists have to investigate the cause of it. can you imagine the immense psychological wall they have to erect in order to not get affected emotionally by it? i read a novel by micheal connelly, the poet, and there was one line that really caught my attention. he said that in every one of the people working in the field in the police force, there is a limit. this limit is the number of dead bodies you can tahan. everyone's number is different. it could be 20, 1000, 10 000 or even a million, but you will never know what is your number until you hit it. when you do, you will either commit suicide or turn in your badge and do something different. it's probably not his theory...but anyway, i find that i agree with this theory. there is only so much you can take. i don't understand what it'll feel like to see someone's brain lying somewhere on the floor but i hope i will never get to see it.
i think im getting no where. sigh...it's amazing how rapid the brain works in deleting the memory which one does not want to remember. i have already forgotten what it is like to sit next to augustine. to smell him. to hold his hand. to talk to him comfortably. to go out with him. to hug him. to be hugged by him...i know the memory is in me. but i can no longer feel the memories. to draw comfort in it. it's sad. i have even forgotten how he had hurt me. i have forgotten why in the first place i want to hurt him and how i had wished that he could understand me more. why did i do all the hurting things to him without even realising it? or even if i did, why didn't i try to change? why??? i don't know. it's sad that i'll probably never get the chance to try again. oh well. people move on too fast. the ability to get over something bad is fast and scary. how to know how much to forget and how much to keep? i guess one learns with age.
my theory is that men only finally mature when they are 50 years old. or even 60. depends on the man i guess. when i mean mature i mean when they FINALLY know how to appreciate their wife, the importance of a family and an education, how to think for others, you know...things most women will already know by the time they are 30.
im not a feminist. in fact, i do think men are superior in certain aspects. such as physical strength, emotional strength (but some men are women-like. that's sad. an example is er jie's ex-friend. his name starts with an s. oh man. so suiting. haha!!! he is an ass. okay lame), and in certain subjects such as physics, chemistry and history. it also can't be helped that there ARE gender bias-ness in politics. i am one of those who find that a woman in politics means instability to the country. so if there is a woman candidate running for prime minister or heading a political party, i will not vote for her unless she is the ONLY candidate who seems trustworthy.
yes, i will not deny that i am conservative and i freely admit i am not an extreme feminist. i am, however, thankful that because there are women who are extremist, that is why i am able to have an education today. someone has to be extreme first in order for people like me to remain neutral. we therefore should not condemn terrorists that much because good things HAVE been generated because of their appearance. good things such as awareness, better security, better government policies and better government. of course there are other things good that are generated but i can't think of any more.
however, i MUST STRESS that changes through a medium like this is NOT good. because THOUSANDS ( or maybe even MILLIONS) have INNOCENTLY lost their lives just so we can have all these better things. i mean are these better things really WORTH those lives lost??? definately not.
oh man...this is such a long entry.
alright. will vomit more philosophical thoughts next time.
later.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Slowly fading fast
i just woke up. ha...
i just woke up feeling extremely frustrated to the point where i have to tell someone what im feeling. what's better than something that doesn't say much right???
sigh...
i woke up asking myself WHAT i want to do with my life. i just realised that i don't like to think. i'd very much rather work as a nurse or at SPCA you know? i mean why do i take bio/chem when i have not much interest in them? i was just kidding myself. i mean these subjects will most probably be something im going to take in university you know. if i really don't want to do them anymore in university then im just wasting everybody's time and most importantly, money. i mean it'll come from one person, that'll be my father. he worked so hard with only one motive, that is, to see all his children attain their full education because where in this world can you survive without any education??? i think he wants a break from all those stressful things that comes with his job. i bet he misses us all too. but because there's 4 of us, he has to work hard and his only motivation is that we're working hard too. cool...now i understand.
i don't want to make any mistakes in my life at this moment because this is my father's hard earned money im playing with. one part of me feels this way but the other is telling not to give up. it's saying im just not facing up to my fears and am giving up without a fight. which is the right voice? which should i listen to??? argh!!!!
I DON'T WANT TO LEARN SOME STUPID THEORY ABOUT THE VAN DER WAALS OR SOME STUPID SHIT!!!! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT PERFECT COMPETITION OR WHAT MRP THEORY OF WAGE DISCRIMINATION IS!!! WHATEVER!!!! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THEM ANYWAY!!!! SO MANY F**KING THOERIES!!! WHAT THE F**K LA!!!!!WHY CAN'T LIFE BE STRAIGHT FORWARD??? STUPID COUNTRY WITH ALL IT'S STUPID STRESSES!!! *ROAR*
i don't feel much better man...feel like roaring more. haha...my lion is acting up.
i wonder what is at the nursing course. haha...going to find out about it now.
man...very obvious im running from my problems. argh!!! im sick with this double thinking at the SAME time!!!!
okay. cool, calm, collected. breathe.......
ahhhh....
i don't feel better. sigh.
okay. don't waste time.
blog more next time??
later
i just woke up feeling extremely frustrated to the point where i have to tell someone what im feeling. what's better than something that doesn't say much right???
sigh...
i woke up asking myself WHAT i want to do with my life. i just realised that i don't like to think. i'd very much rather work as a nurse or at SPCA you know? i mean why do i take bio/chem when i have not much interest in them? i was just kidding myself. i mean these subjects will most probably be something im going to take in university you know. if i really don't want to do them anymore in university then im just wasting everybody's time and most importantly, money. i mean it'll come from one person, that'll be my father. he worked so hard with only one motive, that is, to see all his children attain their full education because where in this world can you survive without any education??? i think he wants a break from all those stressful things that comes with his job. i bet he misses us all too. but because there's 4 of us, he has to work hard and his only motivation is that we're working hard too. cool...now i understand.
i don't want to make any mistakes in my life at this moment because this is my father's hard earned money im playing with. one part of me feels this way but the other is telling not to give up. it's saying im just not facing up to my fears and am giving up without a fight. which is the right voice? which should i listen to??? argh!!!!
I DON'T WANT TO LEARN SOME STUPID THEORY ABOUT THE VAN DER WAALS OR SOME STUPID SHIT!!!! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT PERFECT COMPETITION OR WHAT MRP THEORY OF WAGE DISCRIMINATION IS!!! WHATEVER!!!! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THEM ANYWAY!!!! SO MANY F**KING THOERIES!!! WHAT THE F**K LA!!!!!WHY CAN'T LIFE BE STRAIGHT FORWARD??? STUPID COUNTRY WITH ALL IT'S STUPID STRESSES!!! *ROAR*
i don't feel much better man...feel like roaring more. haha...my lion is acting up.
i wonder what is at the nursing course. haha...going to find out about it now.
man...very obvious im running from my problems. argh!!! im sick with this double thinking at the SAME time!!!!
okay. cool, calm, collected. breathe.......
ahhhh....
i don't feel better. sigh.
okay. don't waste time.
blog more next time??
later
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Nine Crimes
oh man...
help...
you know, i like damien rice, courtesy of my sister..
would like to take more pictures! wish we had taken more..
anyway..
when we do start over...will we start at gound zero?or will we continue where we left off?
oh man...
shall stop thinking of this kinds of thoughts.
any guys who want me?? anyone?? any guy who's very interested in my character and sincerely wants to know more about me???
haha...just read keshia's blog and she wrote this:
S-A-D = Single And Desperate
haha!! i think im currently in this category..
you know, i always say things to contridict myself. im really trying to curb myself. how?? how?? to stop this problem?? i think im really trying to say what i really think. it's just my thoughts don't have a definate form. they are like water, changing every minute. there's not a time where i really feel strongly about something and will stick to that thought. i think that's bad. this means that i'll be in trouble in the future. that's why when people ask what i think, i have a real big trouble opening my mouth and give what i think. because what i say might not really show how and what i feel about the issue. you know how you have to be careful with words because of the nuances.
which is why i prefer to write down my feelings. which may look to some people as a bit pathetic right..but i really have trouble solidifying my thoughts. i don't know how to think and talk unrashly. argh!! virgo rising clashing with leo sun head on.
wish i can find my balance.
oh man...this damien rice song sounds quite funny. haha...it has lyrics like "i look to my eskimo friend.." and now it has an opera singer singing about eskimos. haha!!! hilarious.
speaking of hilarious, i know im being very mean but it's just so funny!! haha...
the other day at suntec, my sis and i were going home and we were going down the escalator. so there was this woman in front of us. haha....she was wearing this really tight silver spandax 3 quarts which showed the full glory of her bountiful butt.
haha!!!!
it was overflowing man!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!
so bad right...i know..i just felt quite embarassed for her but at the same time, a little admiration for her courage. this woman felt confident of her own body enough to wear something SO DARN tight it looks like she wasn't wearing any pants at all. (sorry for the visual) but... i don't know...perhaps it's because im actually conservative at heart..i think one should only wear clothes which makes one look and feel beautiful. very superficial right...can you see the western influence??haha...now i feel so superficial...opps..wait a minute. i am superficial! haha..don't need to feel.
i want to go taiwan or china again with my family. father included. i miss going around feeling like i truly belong in the family. not that i don't feel like i belong now. i mean...the feeling where you don't have to worry about studies...work...and just enjoy being in a big family. you know...eating, sleeping...doing most of everything together..plus having my dad as the tour guide..it's just very fun..no restrictions like going in a tour group will have. it either that or going on a holiday with only a tour guide and a driver. like what my mom, sis, bro and i had when we went beijing 2 years ago.. oh man...how time passes. 2 years already. feels like yesterday. or last year. but no... last year i fell sick. all the way till school reopened. opps...i fell sick when i went beijing too..haha!! such coincidence. let's hope i'll fall sick this year too!! =D
i miss falling sick. serious.
i have been wondering...if i fall sick during my promos and fail it. it'll be such a waste. i don't want to go poly. but i don't mind going la'selle actually. haha...but i don't have much of a portfolio. in fact, i have none. what are my career choices? forensic science just doesn't hold it's appeal anymore. business??possible...but because i want to rebel from my father, i don't know if i really can do business. don't have that entrepreneur spirit. plus. i don't want to do something that's just full of STUPID THEORIES.
all crap. really. ARGH....
the love-hate relationship of being born in singapore. funny cuz i really don't have the desire to stay in this country. alright. if i stay here for the next twenty years, odds of permantly staying are extremely high. especially if i have kids by then. sigh...also, there are the monetory issues..
argh!!!
sigh...
okay...have vomited my thoughts out for today. starting school in less than 48 hours. *shudders*
okay okay..
later =)
help...
you know, i like damien rice, courtesy of my sister..
would like to take more pictures! wish we had taken more..
anyway..
when we do start over...will we start at gound zero?or will we continue where we left off?
oh man...
shall stop thinking of this kinds of thoughts.
any guys who want me?? anyone?? any guy who's very interested in my character and sincerely wants to know more about me???
haha...just read keshia's blog and she wrote this:
S-A-D = Single And Desperate
haha!! i think im currently in this category..
you know, i always say things to contridict myself. im really trying to curb myself. how?? how?? to stop this problem?? i think im really trying to say what i really think. it's just my thoughts don't have a definate form. they are like water, changing every minute. there's not a time where i really feel strongly about something and will stick to that thought. i think that's bad. this means that i'll be in trouble in the future. that's why when people ask what i think, i have a real big trouble opening my mouth and give what i think. because what i say might not really show how and what i feel about the issue. you know how you have to be careful with words because of the nuances.
which is why i prefer to write down my feelings. which may look to some people as a bit pathetic right..but i really have trouble solidifying my thoughts. i don't know how to think and talk unrashly. argh!! virgo rising clashing with leo sun head on.
wish i can find my balance.
oh man...this damien rice song sounds quite funny. haha...it has lyrics like "i look to my eskimo friend.." and now it has an opera singer singing about eskimos. haha!!! hilarious.
speaking of hilarious, i know im being very mean but it's just so funny!! haha...
the other day at suntec, my sis and i were going home and we were going down the escalator. so there was this woman in front of us. haha....she was wearing this really tight silver spandax 3 quarts which showed the full glory of her bountiful butt.
haha!!!!
it was overflowing man!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!
so bad right...i know..i just felt quite embarassed for her but at the same time, a little admiration for her courage. this woman felt confident of her own body enough to wear something SO DARN tight it looks like she wasn't wearing any pants at all. (sorry for the visual) but... i don't know...perhaps it's because im actually conservative at heart..i think one should only wear clothes which makes one look and feel beautiful. very superficial right...can you see the western influence??haha...now i feel so superficial...opps..wait a minute. i am superficial! haha..don't need to feel.
i want to go taiwan or china again with my family. father included. i miss going around feeling like i truly belong in the family. not that i don't feel like i belong now. i mean...the feeling where you don't have to worry about studies...work...and just enjoy being in a big family. you know...eating, sleeping...doing most of everything together..plus having my dad as the tour guide..it's just very fun..no restrictions like going in a tour group will have. it either that or going on a holiday with only a tour guide and a driver. like what my mom, sis, bro and i had when we went beijing 2 years ago.. oh man...how time passes. 2 years already. feels like yesterday. or last year. but no... last year i fell sick. all the way till school reopened. opps...i fell sick when i went beijing too..haha!! such coincidence. let's hope i'll fall sick this year too!! =D
i miss falling sick. serious.
i have been wondering...if i fall sick during my promos and fail it. it'll be such a waste. i don't want to go poly. but i don't mind going la'selle actually. haha...but i don't have much of a portfolio. in fact, i have none. what are my career choices? forensic science just doesn't hold it's appeal anymore. business??possible...but because i want to rebel from my father, i don't know if i really can do business. don't have that entrepreneur spirit. plus. i don't want to do something that's just full of STUPID THEORIES.
all crap. really. ARGH....
the love-hate relationship of being born in singapore. funny cuz i really don't have the desire to stay in this country. alright. if i stay here for the next twenty years, odds of permantly staying are extremely high. especially if i have kids by then. sigh...also, there are the monetory issues..
argh!!!
sigh...
okay...have vomited my thoughts out for today. starting school in less than 48 hours. *shudders*
okay okay..
later =)
Papercut
this is a erm tribute to us. of what it could have been today. if u remember what day is today. i didn't mean to put my face in the middle. it was unintentional.
remember to study hard! =)
Friday, September 09, 2005
Tiny Little Fractures
i feel enlightened. im glad i called him just now. we have reached a common understanding and for the first time i feel that we can really be friends. that it really is possible.
well we really do love each other. i understand what he is feeling and what he thinks actually...its just...i guess i was still selfish. i really need to grow up man...im glad i took a first step in realising it.
how can i say something but not contridict myself?hmmm...
i love you, erjie. thanks for always being there for me.
well we really do love each other. i understand what he is feeling and what he thinks actually...its just...i guess i was still selfish. i really need to grow up man...im glad i took a first step in realising it.
how can i say something but not contridict myself?hmmm...
i love you, erjie. thanks for always being there for me.
Breathing
I just sent him an email not long ago. I feel really pathetic. I wish I can move on. really. I mean I returned him the things he gave me. Sigh. cant seem to concentrate on the things that im supposed to do now, which is work and studies.
I hate this. .Feel it is very irritating. Always hanging on. never letting go. Where is the feeling of finalisation I felt yesterday?
So shitty .
All this because he said he loves me. Argh!!!
Well I love you too okay?
Please reply to the email asap. I need to focus on my work. I can't if this continues.
Thanks!
I hate this. .Feel it is very irritating. Always hanging on. never letting go. Where is the feeling of finalisation I felt yesterday?
So shitty .
All this because he said he loves me. Argh!!!
Well I love you too okay?
Please reply to the email asap. I need to focus on my work. I can't if this continues.
Thanks!
Thursday, September 08, 2005
"From The Inside"
I don't know who to trust no surprise
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts sift through dust and the lies
(Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit)
(Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet)
(All I ever think about is this)
(All the tiring time between)
(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)
[Chorus]
Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you
Tension is building inside steadily
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts forcing their way out of me
(Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit)
(Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet)
(All I ever think about is this)
(All the tiring time between)
(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)
[Chorus]
Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time I won't trust myself with you
I won't waste myself on you
You
You
Waste myself on you
You
You
I'll take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you
Everything from the inside and just throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you
You
You
this is for the both of us. good luck for your promos.
I don't know who to trust no surprise
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts sift through dust and the lies
(Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit)
(Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet)
(All I ever think about is this)
(All the tiring time between)
(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)
[Chorus]
Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you
Tension is building inside steadily
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts forcing their way out of me
(Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit)
(Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet)
(All I ever think about is this)
(All the tiring time between)
(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)
[Chorus]
Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time I won't trust myself with you
I won't waste myself on you
You
You
Waste myself on you
You
You
I'll take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you
Everything from the inside and just throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you
You
You
this is for the both of us. good luck for your promos.
Broken Promise Ring
i lay my heart out in the open
waiting
anticipating
hoping
now, i take my trampled heart back
to let it heal
so i can be strong again
never will be i hurt like this again.
never.
goodbye augustine.
waiting
anticipating
hoping
now, i take my trampled heart back
to let it heal
so i can be strong again
never will be i hurt like this again.
never.
goodbye augustine.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Pain
hi all...
i did a very stupid thing yesterday. haha...i drank just half a cup of vodka at home and got drunk. haha...okay...and i missed math class. which is now. im going chem later. dont worry...
im having a little hang over now...so stupid right...im not going to get drunk again. not soon anyway...haha...
all i wanted is to feel numb. but instead all my depression surfaced and i felt even worse. that sucks...it was so bad...under alcohol influence..
okay..i promised myself to just blog about ten minutes. it's up. alright..
going bbq later in the evening.
later =)
i did a very stupid thing yesterday. haha...i drank just half a cup of vodka at home and got drunk. haha...okay...and i missed math class. which is now. im going chem later. dont worry...
im having a little hang over now...so stupid right...im not going to get drunk again. not soon anyway...haha...
all i wanted is to feel numb. but instead all my depression surfaced and i felt even worse. that sucks...it was so bad...under alcohol influence..
okay..i promised myself to just blog about ten minutes. it's up. alright..
going bbq later in the evening.
later =)
Monday, September 05, 2005
Invicinble
hi all!!
=) am in the library now (school library). supposedly doing duty. haha...haven't been coming for this whole term and so because we're having a lunch (free!!!pizza and KFC =) ) one pm later, i decided to come early and spend my whole day here! haha...have been here since 7.15am.
library closes at 5.30pm. have counted and will have done 10 periods of duty by then. now im slacking cuz there's nothing to do. gonna wait till later when safia comes. =D
hunger pangs are killing me!! =)
im sure later when i eat i'll just lose all of my appetite. have been having that feeling ever since... haha...but not bad la...can slim down and maybe will attract more guys (just kidding!!). my trusty mp3 have been accompanying me since morning! how time passes when im not doing homework. seriously! it's supposed to the other way round right? haha...i hope energizer doesn't fail me!!
ahh...can't wait for the food. kfc is one of my favourites after all, albiet the unhealthiness of it. maybe it'll bring back my appetite. i think i lost weight! =D cool...
im bored! maybe i'll go find some books to read. saw some VERY interesting ones just now when i was shelving. i never knew we had such a large collection of movies...music cds and documentaries. cool...
alright. blog more next time.
later! =)
=) am in the library now (school library). supposedly doing duty. haha...haven't been coming for this whole term and so because we're having a lunch (free!!!pizza and KFC =) ) one pm later, i decided to come early and spend my whole day here! haha...have been here since 7.15am.
library closes at 5.30pm. have counted and will have done 10 periods of duty by then. now im slacking cuz there's nothing to do. gonna wait till later when safia comes. =D
hunger pangs are killing me!! =)
im sure later when i eat i'll just lose all of my appetite. have been having that feeling ever since... haha...but not bad la...can slim down and maybe will attract more guys (just kidding!!). my trusty mp3 have been accompanying me since morning! how time passes when im not doing homework. seriously! it's supposed to the other way round right? haha...i hope energizer doesn't fail me!!
ahh...can't wait for the food. kfc is one of my favourites after all, albiet the unhealthiness of it. maybe it'll bring back my appetite. i think i lost weight! =D cool...
im bored! maybe i'll go find some books to read. saw some VERY interesting ones just now when i was shelving. i never knew we had such a large collection of movies...music cds and documentaries. cool...
alright. blog more next time.
later! =)
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Losing You
i had fun yesterday!! =) im glad you had too nad..anytime you need me i'll be there. i promise.
also to my girlfriends whom i've pang sei so many times this year..sorry!!
_________________________________________
i talked to him last night on msn. i have no idea how to make out of it. we usually didn't have so little things to talk about. maybe it's because we're not willing to open up? sigh...after i wrote that entry yesterday, i'm suddenly stumped. i don't know what to do next. talk to him? or not? he doesn't give me much encouragement either. i have no idea what he wants. does he really want to talk to me? or is he just merely entertianing me? i wish i can get on with my life....how can i change for the better like this if im always worrying about what he thinks, what he wants, how he feels...what he had been doing for each yesterday...im trying to convince myself that he does miss me and love me but it's difficult because i can't see it. i can't feel it. the only way i can see is that i completely forget about him. but do i want to? i really want him in my life. but how can i pretend that nothing has happened when i talk to him? when i know that there's still hope for the both of us to be together? i have a feeling, no, make that i long to hug him the next time i see him. which is when he returns me the tj notes. now he knows. haha...=! because he reads my blog. maybe you shouldn't return me the notes in person.
actually i knew you'd bring the notes on friday. that's why i had an anxiety attack in the morning. i was too afraid to see and talk to you in person. that's why i didn't go to the canteen during recess so i could avoid seeing you. do you see how pathetic i have been reduced to? i have a self-preservation thing called pride too. okay. i can see where this is leading to. me doing the self-pitying thing. lucky im only typing and can see what im writing so i can change what i am saying. imagine i didn't stop myself...it'll be such i bore and people reading will long to strangle me to death.
actually...what is it that i want you to say? haha...i think the only thing i want to hear from you is "i miss you so much let's get back together." yeah right!! like that will ever happen soon! i think that will probably be what IM going to say. it's raining heavily now. suits my mood. i love heavy rains. hope it doesn't stop soon.
depression. what an easy thing to get into but so difficult to get out of.
ha!! now im wanqi the philosopher. the above statment is like so DUH!.
what am i hoping to get out of blogging everyday?
to get a response? from you? or am simply just lonely and want to seek attention from the people i call my girlfriends? okay. maybe im just seeking the attention of one girlfriend.
am in a state of depression now. cancer in venus acting up.
going to stop now.
going to return to my pathetic leo state, who is pathetically trying to lick his wounds and want to stay hidden due to his immense store of pride.
where is my virgo rising and virgo in mercury when i need you? i need the cold hard bitch demeanor now. only a cold sense of logic and sound thinking can keep me sane. like yesterday. they wrote the last entry. not me. okay what am i talking about..they are all me.
alright. enough is enough.
blog again next time.
later
also to my girlfriends whom i've pang sei so many times this year..sorry!!
_________________________________________
i talked to him last night on msn. i have no idea how to make out of it. we usually didn't have so little things to talk about. maybe it's because we're not willing to open up? sigh...after i wrote that entry yesterday, i'm suddenly stumped. i don't know what to do next. talk to him? or not? he doesn't give me much encouragement either. i have no idea what he wants. does he really want to talk to me? or is he just merely entertianing me? i wish i can get on with my life....how can i change for the better like this if im always worrying about what he thinks, what he wants, how he feels...what he had been doing for each yesterday...im trying to convince myself that he does miss me and love me but it's difficult because i can't see it. i can't feel it. the only way i can see is that i completely forget about him. but do i want to? i really want him in my life. but how can i pretend that nothing has happened when i talk to him? when i know that there's still hope for the both of us to be together? i have a feeling, no, make that i long to hug him the next time i see him. which is when he returns me the tj notes. now he knows. haha...=! because he reads my blog. maybe you shouldn't return me the notes in person.
actually i knew you'd bring the notes on friday. that's why i had an anxiety attack in the morning. i was too afraid to see and talk to you in person. that's why i didn't go to the canteen during recess so i could avoid seeing you. do you see how pathetic i have been reduced to? i have a self-preservation thing called pride too. okay. i can see where this is leading to. me doing the self-pitying thing. lucky im only typing and can see what im writing so i can change what i am saying. imagine i didn't stop myself...it'll be such i bore and people reading will long to strangle me to death.
actually...what is it that i want you to say? haha...i think the only thing i want to hear from you is "i miss you so much let's get back together." yeah right!! like that will ever happen soon! i think that will probably be what IM going to say. it's raining heavily now. suits my mood. i love heavy rains. hope it doesn't stop soon.
depression. what an easy thing to get into but so difficult to get out of.
ha!! now im wanqi the philosopher. the above statment is like so DUH!.
what am i hoping to get out of blogging everyday?
to get a response? from you? or am simply just lonely and want to seek attention from the people i call my girlfriends? okay. maybe im just seeking the attention of one girlfriend.
am in a state of depression now. cancer in venus acting up.
going to stop now.
going to return to my pathetic leo state, who is pathetically trying to lick his wounds and want to stay hidden due to his immense store of pride.
where is my virgo rising and virgo in mercury when i need you? i need the cold hard bitch demeanor now. only a cold sense of logic and sound thinking can keep me sane. like yesterday. they wrote the last entry. not me. okay what am i talking about..they are all me.
alright. enough is enough.
blog again next time.
later
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Scars II
_____________________________________________________
i love you. but im not mature enough to make you happy. Let me grow up. give me a few years. if you still believe in our dream then give me time. Meanwhile, go out and find someone. if you don't want even better. haha...
i won't be looking for someone else. That will be sure. pass your promos and your A level with good results. if we're really what we think we are, s-------s, then we'll be together no matter what right. because no one else will really make us as happy as we did with each other. im sorry i have to keep hurting you.
im gonna save myself for you. im hoping you'll do the same for me. but if it means you getting stuck like this then find someone else to help you move on.
i love you. and i know you love me too. let's stop hurting each other okay? it'll never stop if we go on like this. you're right. you usually are. im not being sarcastic. keep the guitar save for me okay? the day you return to me the guitar means that you have stopped believing.
*hug* can you feel my hug? i hope you can. let's see where this short break leads us to.
_____________________________________________________
Scars
okay. some things are cleared up. he didn't run away like i thought he did. he was late for class. i guess we are still thinking about the same thing. it seemed cowardly that he did that. he's not cowardly. i guess.
my feeling of confidence will only be temporary. wait a few days and you'll see me grappling with the truth. but for now, im determined to stay happy! in bout fifty minutes i will be going out with nad.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAD!! =D
my feeling of confidence will only be temporary. wait a few days and you'll see me grappling with the truth. but for now, im determined to stay happy! in bout fifty minutes i will be going out with nad.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAD!! =D
Friday, September 02, 2005
A decade Under The Influence
Today, i was alternating between being extremely happy and extremely sad. i have such extremities. haha...
WHAT am i waiting for? while waiting, im moping around aimlessly, constantly trying not to regret my actions and trying to be strong for myself. is this REALLY worth it?
it suddenly hit me today that i don't know what im waiting for. that happened when i saw him run away from me during bio practical because he was with someone whom i've said i was seriously jealous of yesterday night. well. i was extremely (again) disappointed. i don't know in him or myself. i think he thought i have not seen him yet but i have the moment i stood outside the toilet talking to my sister. and i saw him see me, pick up his bag and run away. from what i wonder? misunderstandings? perhaps i guess. right now i really do feel that this person is much more capable of making him happy than me. plus, this person is tall...what am i driving at? self-pity? haha!!!!i really can't stand myself man...the last few entries have me CONSTANTLY wondering what people will think about me when they read my blog. and so, i've been wondering about the self-pity thing. are you guys iritated already??? =)
after that i was hit by a bout of great depression which i let myself go through...
before that i was in an EXTREMELY (again.haha..) good mood though my heart was down and out. really wondering where all this good mood is coming from. like now, i FEEL GOOD!! haha...
wanna bet that later i won't be able to sleep again like last night? i hope not!
i don't want to waste my messages on you anymore! since you don't want to reply my messages (as expected) and you'd rather run away from me than face me, then what are you worth to me???you didn't even come and talk to me!!!then what the **** were you doing in the classroom when you know im in the lab just a few metres away???and you didn't return me my tj notes. how the **** do you think im going to study???
ha...do i actually want to publish this and say you're worth nothing?....i think i should stop being so impulsive. where's all my logic and sound thinking??? where did all of you go to my wujiwujiwuji??? i know!!! they all went into hiding ever since the EVIL ONE came out and took over the brain!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA..........
now the jedi knights are struggling to keep peace in the O MIGHTY BIG BRAIN and trying to keep the EVIL ONE from taking over the O MIGHTY BIG BRAIN...
(music from star wars) TON TON TON DEN DE-DEN DEN DE-DEN...
haha...clearly shows that music like this can never be written in words by me. bet most of you can't guess what song i was humming in my head??? hahaha!!!
anyway...enough for today. i think i've bitched enough about him. lalala....
write soon. hope later i'll have a VERY peaceful night sleep.
GOOD NIGHT!!!!
may the force be with you...TON TON TON DEN DE-DEN DEN DE-DEN.....
WHAT am i waiting for? while waiting, im moping around aimlessly, constantly trying not to regret my actions and trying to be strong for myself. is this REALLY worth it?
it suddenly hit me today that i don't know what im waiting for. that happened when i saw him run away from me during bio practical because he was with someone whom i've said i was seriously jealous of yesterday night. well. i was extremely (again) disappointed. i don't know in him or myself. i think he thought i have not seen him yet but i have the moment i stood outside the toilet talking to my sister. and i saw him see me, pick up his bag and run away. from what i wonder? misunderstandings? perhaps i guess. right now i really do feel that this person is much more capable of making him happy than me. plus, this person is tall...what am i driving at? self-pity? haha!!!!i really can't stand myself man...the last few entries have me CONSTANTLY wondering what people will think about me when they read my blog. and so, i've been wondering about the self-pity thing. are you guys iritated already??? =)
after that i was hit by a bout of great depression which i let myself go through...
before that i was in an EXTREMELY (again.haha..) good mood though my heart was down and out. really wondering where all this good mood is coming from. like now, i FEEL GOOD!! haha...
wanna bet that later i won't be able to sleep again like last night? i hope not!
i don't want to waste my messages on you anymore! since you don't want to reply my messages (as expected) and you'd rather run away from me than face me, then what are you worth to me???you didn't even come and talk to me!!!then what the **** were you doing in the classroom when you know im in the lab just a few metres away???and you didn't return me my tj notes. how the **** do you think im going to study???
ha...do i actually want to publish this and say you're worth nothing?....i think i should stop being so impulsive. where's all my logic and sound thinking??? where did all of you go to my wujiwujiwuji??? i know!!! they all went into hiding ever since the EVIL ONE came out and took over the brain!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA..........
now the jedi knights are struggling to keep peace in the O MIGHTY BIG BRAIN and trying to keep the EVIL ONE from taking over the O MIGHTY BIG BRAIN...
(music from star wars) TON TON TON DEN DE-DEN DEN DE-DEN...
haha...clearly shows that music like this can never be written in words by me. bet most of you can't guess what song i was humming in my head??? hahaha!!!
anyway...enough for today. i think i've bitched enough about him. lalala....
write soon. hope later i'll have a VERY peaceful night sleep.
GOOD NIGHT!!!!
may the force be with you...TON TON TON DEN DE-DEN DEN DE-DEN.....
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