Every little thing

"The Blowers Daughter"

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

im so tired of always feeling sad...for nothing...i tried to study for chem after econs today...but i just couldn't concentrate...all i could think of....all i wanted to think of was...him. im so tired of it.

is there any guy who can make me happy? is there any guy willing to sing this song to me?

(this song:

To Be With You (Mr Big)

Hold on little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I've seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you

Chorus

Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwhile
And I can make you start to smile

When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you)

ha...im a little desperate right now...for a hug from a guy...for some intimacy...

maybe i should just go to sleep...maybe i'll dream of a guy who can provide me all these...someone who will never hurt me...whether intentionally or not...

im so tired of feeling sad...of wondering...of imagining...of hurting...

i need someone to show me that living is worthwhile.

what the fuck...and im only what? 17? sigh...

the blower's daughter

i know i should be studying. in fact, im trying...


but i indulged in some of my sick ways of making myself upset and i was just looking at the "us" folder in my com..i deleted all our pictures in my phone, threw out most of the things that had bound us together but some part of me refuses to let go of the folder. and so...i was just looking at him...and i cried. haha...


so sick right...i really don't know why im blogging this down...maybe for him to read it? ha...


sometimes i really disgust myself. here's a song by the william brothers:


Can't Cry Hard Enough

I'm going to live my life
Like every day's my last
Without a simple good-bye
It all goes by so fast

And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

I'm going to open my eyes
And see for the first time
I've let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

I'm going to look back in vain
And see you standing there
When all that remains
Is just an empty chair

And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

sigh...im always always always wasting time. ha...one of the BIGGEST reason why i can't study at home...my sick ways will take over me and i'll end up in front of the computer.


help...i think im going out.


okay.

"23" (jimmy eat world)

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...


im currently hooked on this song...haha... and this song too..


"Sidewalks" (story of the year)

The bridge is all crumbled.
The water soaks into rocks
that fell at the bottom of the road (At the end of the town.)
The town that we lived in.
The memories shaken apart from the weeds that grow

Over the sidewalks,
Running away from the streets we knew,
Sidewalks,
Like the time we thought was made for you.
Oh...

Out on the front porch,
watching the cars as they go by
(Eighteen blue, twenty one grey)
Looking ahead for the first time that we could drive,
Out on our own,
To speed away

From the sidewalks,
Running away from the streets we knew,
Sidewalks,
Like the time we thought was made for you.
Oh...

All of the days have passed us by,
All of the sun is gone... away.

Sidewalks,
Running away from the streets we knew,

Sidewalks,
Running away from the streets we knew,
Sidewalks,
Like the time we thought was made for you.
(Sidewalks)
The bridges are crumpled,
The water soaks into rocks,
(Sidewalks)
That fell at the bottom of the road.


and my all time favourite...from "MY bestfriend's wedding" soundtrack:


You don't know me (jane arden)

You give your hand to me
And then you say hello
And I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
But you don't know me

No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night
And longs to kiss your lips
Longs to hold you tight
Oh I am just a friend
That's all I've ever been
Cause you don't know me

I never knew the art of making love
No my heart aches with love for you
Afraid and shy I let my chance go by
The chance that you might love me too

You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh you will never know
The one who loves you so
Well you don't know me

You give your hand to me
And then you say goodbye
I watch you walk away beside the lucky guy
Oh you will never know
The one who loves you so
Cause you don't know me
Oh no you don't know me
OOhh...you don't know me


sigh...so sad...okay...

7 years and 50 days

1 more day to promos. i think i won't be able to sleep tomorrow. i didn't manage to sleep on my first day of O levels too...sigh...maybe it'll be a good thing because then i can rearrange my floor of worksheets.. haha...my floor is really totally covered by paper. especially the dressing area. im already feeling some sense of anxiety.


i saw the number we're being allocated and where we'll be having our exams and i saw that we are doing a lot of exams together in the hall. im really scared that he'll be seating somewhere that is in my line of vision. just seeing him can make me lose focus...imagine seeing him for 5 and a half hours. argh!!!!!! so bloody scared........!!!!!!!!!!! *sobs*


please God...please let me be able to concentrate on my exams....please.......


okay...a little too drama here...


anyway...


im scared man...sigh....what if i fail gp? sigh....i hope i will be fine tomorrow...you know...not get hit by car or food poisoned...or even get dengue fever..i heard from ming hui that the virus has mutated to such that a person who gets infected can die within 2 days. i hope i don't get it la! can you imagine what a joke that'll be???


must pray for the safety of everyone.


just a few more days and i can perm my hair...haha...can't wait!!! actually my mom say to perm it during the holidays...well...i want to go on a holiday with my family!! hmmm..... wonder whether we'll get to do that...speaking of holidays.... he's going to move soon...hmm..........sigh...................................................


what the hell la....im always like this. you know...
i heard that he likes another girl...
i...sigh..............................................................................


what the f...


always making myself remember all the bad things i've done. and always self-punishing myself...what the fuck...


this will pass....i hope...i hope....sigh.........................
..........................................................................................
.....................................................................


all the hot air in my chest... how to expell them i have no idea...


all my dreams filled with him...all my thoughts...this sucks...i have to STOP. i sound really pathetic right...haha...


sometimes i feel so stupid. sometimes i feel so angry. sometimes i feel like a bitch. okay...make that most of the time...but my point is....im always regreting. and there is no point regreting. right...? just like shaun...(sort of..)


gotta be strong okay shaun? don't give in to your weakness because the moment you do you'll feel like shit. you've seen how i had been when he didn't reply. don't look back anymore.


how ironic it is... haha...i talk like im the expert when i still look back.


argh!!!


i think next time i'll delete all these self-pity entries.

Razorblades

i curled my hair!! =) i want to perm it after promos. haha...im abit apprehensive about it because i don't want to be compared to his ex girlfriend...actually who is doing the comparing huh??? haha...it's me. i gotta admit...i constantly compare myself to her though i know there's no competition there...she's gonna win in every aspect... really!! she's very pretty...and rich...and...well you get the picture..


anyway. i'll like to say a big


Thank You

to jan. =)


for always being so nice to me. i hope you don't feel like im taking advantage of you!!!! ever since him i feel like am taking advantage of people when people are nice to me. this is a feeling i get which i don't really know whether it is good or bad...i hope people don't get irritated with me! hmm...i don't know where is the line!! sigh...


have i given?? this is something i constantly ask myself now...and everytime i ask myself if i had given part of mysef to him i will always say yes...im very confused...i mean...if i give him my time and i get him things is that considered giving? or is it just too materialistic? am i incapable of giving more? i don't know...emotionally? i just shut down. everytime we quarrelled i'll just keep quiet and refuse to say a thing. yesterday i had a mini quarrel with my sister...and i found myself not willing to speak in the end. that was quite unusual...especially with my sister...i guess i just kept quiet because i don't want things to get worse. i find my thoughts rather selfish and hurting. i'll rather keep them to myself than say them aloud because i know they will hurt people. multiple thoughts go through my head at the same time...it's like this (example):


thought 1: you asshole.
thought 2: no!!! that's not true!!
thought 3: you better think of something good!!
thought 4: you're not worth my tears!
thought 5: better not say anything...


there...that's just one example...yesterday's was:


thought 1: i hate him.
thought 2: no you don't...you don't even know him! give him a chance..
thought 3: whatever la...if she wants it than let her have a go la! just be there when she needs you lor..
thought 4: i feel like calling him...and tell him...maybe i'll feel better..
thought 5: yeah right. imagine how awkward it'll be. what will you say anyway?
thought 6: listen to what she's saying!
thought 7: nothing i say will change her mind...
thought 8: you just want her to always be there for you right? you selfish pig..you just want her to always accompany you and talk to you...you're so selfish! can't you think for her for a moment?
thought 9: forget it..


welcome to my complex brain...


and my selfish self. ha...


oh well...


i didn't really study much today....sigh...im going to be twenty in another 3 years!!! ha! time passes real fast. can't wait. to see who i'll end up with. haha...maybe no one at all... sigh...


i still believe. but no point saying that already right...sigh...


alright...better get my act together and put on a SMILE!!! =D


blog tmr.


later

I miss you

funny how i can be so selfish...is this what really what i am?


i miss him all of a sudden...so much...


sigh...


this sucks.


i wanna grow up soon. i don't want to be stuck in this stage. i want to be more...i don't know. mature? im acting and thinking like a childish six year old.


i want to see what my future is going to be like...


i have so much things to tell him...things only he and i will understand...so pathetic.


what is it that i really want to say? this is one of the reason why keeping it all inside is so much better because no one understands how i feel when i say something. no one will truly understand because they are not me.

Sidewalks

i realised that there more and more bands that sound like taking back sunday. maybe this is call you know..a genre...haha..


studied for 12 hours today!!! haha...i think only one quarter of what i studied actually became imprinted onto my brain...i love you val!! and jan!! =)


can't wait to do my hair tomorrow...after which will be another instense session of studying...sigh...the problem now is WHERE. i have been going to school to study for the past erm...4 days? am very glad that val was in school today and she stayed with me to study for the whole of today...she's so funny! =)


so tired......i think the first thing im going to be SO grateful for after promos is SLEEP.


sigh..............


can't wait for it to be over... hope i don't get sick or something..can you imagine????? all my 12x5 hours of studying WASTED??????? sigh..........


this entry is so full of sighs...so much hot air in my lungs...is this what is supposed to be called frustration? hmm....


going to shower now...


blog tmr =)


later..

Swallow the knife

an ant kissed me!!! or rather, it bit me on my lips.


ouch okay~~~


but i killed it.


hmm...my first kiss in a very long time...haha...poor ant...nobody will know it's real motive now...

The Unheard Voice

tired!!!!


but must jia you....sigh...i cant believe i acually motivated myself to get out of my bed and go to school...haha...


in case anyone is wondering, an E grade is considered a pass. haha....the lowest grade of pass. after that will be O than F. those are the failing grade by the way. duh! haha...


anybody want to accompany me tomorrow????? sigh...im going to school to study econs...don't think there's anyone who is actually going to accompany me...sigh...so sad...can't study alone leh...i need someone who can be like the motivator for me to stay focused...anyone in need of a motivator? who's like me??? we can motivate each other...haha...sian...i definately don't and can't study at home...my room is like a pig sty. it really looks like one...there are like SO many things that's going to distract me...like this computer for one...i don't have that dicipline yet...is that spelled correctly? dicipline?or is it disipline? hmm...the one with the s seems more correct...


hope i don't fail gp...have been failing...sigh...


anyway...i feel saturated. why can't there be active diffusion for knowledge? haha...wish i had the magic to let all the words diffuse into my already saturated brain. can you imagine that???haha...the words will just diffuse out because there is less concentration of words outside the brain and diffusion of solute takes place down a concentration gradient, from a region of higher concentration to a region of less concentration. right??? haha....


i hope i can finish econs by tomorrow...let me cross my fingers and toes...


so tired....sigh..

The World You Love

im currently hooked on jimmy eat world. =) this band and i have an on and off relationship man. haha...


here are some target setting for myself:
bio----E
chem-----E
econs-----E
maths-----C/D

=D


can't wait for the exam. haha...this is like the most hardworking week of my ENTIRE life. no kidding. haha...going to continue going to school to accomplish more...am hoping that there is someone out there who's like me: can only study with someone in school. i can't study anywhere else...help me psycho myself otherwise...haha...


okay. going to go shower now so i can finish my maths by today. can't wait for the exams to come!!! feel like im going to be ready for them. =D


blog tmr!


later =)

Don't Speak

this song speaks alot. =/...


anyway. i just want to thank him for sending me that message yesterday because it kind of helped me prove to myself that i have moved on. not completely, but slowly. im getting there. =)


i spent my yesternight at jan's and did 2 econs essay which i owed. but in the end it wasn't needed. haha...but i can say that today was quite fruitful in a sense that i have accomplished something. i feel quite happy =).


people my age are not mature yet. that's what makes us special isn't it? we're the neither here nor there people. im not angry at that comment. im just puzzled. i mean...why bother putting the class down? i don't know what is their motive...to humiliate me? to make me feel awful? why not do it in my face? if this is indeed the whole class then why not humiliate me in public? hmm...i don't even know anybody from there...which means they have no idea what im like...


if you think just reading someone's blog means knowing the person then you're wrong.


okay...im quite bothered by that comment...it means that i have unknowingly garnered some unwanted attention.


can't wait for promos to be over. seriously.


here's wishing the people who read my blog (whether you like me or not) good luck in your exams. =)


erjie, i love you okay?? =D

23

i love that song. for now.


you know, i have to admit something. im addicted to blogging. unless i have something better to occupy my time with la...haha...


i wanted to blog today cuz i wanted to complain about someone. erm. i know im gonna sound like a spoilt brat. but i think this person and i have ABSOLUTELY nothing similar in face features thus conveniently explaining why i dislike this person so much. i just cant figure out what makes me so mad about this person. one reason i can think of is that im jealous of her. that's a reasonable reason. oops. just told the whole world that this person is a she. i really can't tolerate her you know...the way she speaks, laughs, walks, runs, converse, discusses, anything. i don't know why. my limit was reached today during class. somehow i just snapped. i showed my black face. that is something i really SELDOM do in class no matter how upset i am because i believe it's not polite. man..i just remembered that time i was in this meeting and i told the girls that we broke up then she PINCHED my cheeks and was like "oh she's so cute!" i couldn't believe she did it la! it was like totally out of context! also, i dislike people i don't like touching me. especially my face. okay. generally, i dislike people touching my face, let alone pinch it. i mean hello!!! we're no longer primary or secondary school kids! women's face is like super important and sensitive! now i try to stay away from her. i hope i no longer get to be alone with her. very mean of me right...but i figured if i don't like her i shouldn't be such a hypocrite about it. if i don't want to be nice to her i should stop acting like i care. i hope i'll be able to be totally professional about this. fancy im the class chairperson. i really should step down. not doing a good job of bringing the class together. i think it's all bullshit la...all these (as what jan said) class politics. i pledge to remain neutral. my loyalties lies with jan. haha!!


my thumb was trembling involuntarily the whole of today. i haven't got that in such a long time. i wonder if my brain is really fried? i'll like to have it steamed though...more healthy.


i don't know if i've turned into a cynic but there isn't anything in this world worth living for. especially in this stupid country. when you're born, you have your life mapped out for you. fuck that illusion about choice. life is always going to be monotonous no matter how hard you try to make it interesting. all one is going to do is to be educated then work. till you die. what has the world come to? it's the same everywhere. education is becoming more and more stupid and useless. people are getting more and more stupid and gullible, easily bluffed by the governments. everyone is getting more and more materialistic and selfish. what is the world coming to? when will the world end? i think when that time comes i'd rather kill myself than continuing living in this stupid world. even the elderly are SIGNIFICANTLY MORE kiasu than the younger generation. what the fuck la...


sigh........................................


i was born into this world for a reason...just wish i knew what that was...

Nothing Wrong

Girls. if you think we girls who do not experience cramps are lucky, you ought to think twice. well, yes, we do not experience those painful cramping sessions which can last very long but you know, effects of mestruation can come in different forms. such as diarrhoea. okay, it may seem like heaven. but i can assure you that it is NOT. seriously la..when you have cramps you can skip school!! i cant. oops. i just admitted. haha...i have yet to experience what cramps feel like. am i an alien? oh no! perhaps i am. NOT. i thought i could get away from the effects you know...some wishful thinking of mine when i found out that i don't have cramps! and all my other friends have. but too bad! my aunt decided to play a trick on me. she gave me an illusion that i won't ever get any ill effects. stupid aunt....now i have to go to the toilet every so often. irritating man! can you imagine the extreme discomfort every minute? that's like even worse than cramps la! plus cannot fake an excuse. so shitty. haha...i sound like such a spoilt brat. okay. before you go into a criticisng mode, please allow me to say that i know i have no freaking idea what it is like to have cramps. i imagine it to be extremely painful and perhaps even more uncomfortable than diarrhoea. i guess i can count myself lucky that i don't experience any pain throughout my teenage life. just some slight discomfort.


hmm....it sounds quite sick isn't it? but i wouldn't trade anything to become a boy.


oh. boys in singapore are wimps man...they complain that women nowadays are like so independent..blah blah blah... but you know what? deep down inside, they expect their women to BE independent and unexpecting. have they ever asked themselves why SUCCESSFUL and INDEPENDENT women almost always go with caucasians? because they treat their women BETTER that's why...i want to be successful AND beautiful too... haha..so i can have men at my feet. haha! like real. that thought is not appealing at all...all those pitiful men. so poor thing...i wouldn't want those men to suffer like that. maybe even treating me like a prize to be won. hmmm.....what's my point? haha...not sure.


okay that aside. on another note, i just want to say that i love you erjie!!! i will try my best to make you feel better! =)

okay. better not waste anymore time.


later

Do As Infinity

i spent the whole day with jan today =). haha...studying with her in the morn then going out to destress!!!! haha...i love u jan! =D


because of jan's connections =) i managed to meet muslim. he's quite nice. a people's person actually. can see. i wonder how he does that. making people feel comfortable around him. this is a person very hard to hate. no wonder he's the head of council. cool...


i wonder when my aunt will go away. hope she does soon...cant stand it man! so troublesome you know!! have to entertain her constantly...take care of her...can't she just leave me alone.......so shit. and my aunt is not real. im crazy. haha... i won't say things like this about my aunts one la...haha...i love them and they are SO nice to me...=D


when one is lonely, DONT GO ORCHARD. you'll just feel more like shit. especially when you just break off from a relationship. sigh...soooo many couples...can't stand it man...but i had my favourite ice cream today!! =) when im feeling sad, sweet jap deserts will do the trick! =) or anything jap. you know. like a jap restaurant. not just ANY okay...must be those with some class...not that sakei or genki (ugh...*shudders*). i swear if one goes to a jap restaurant with class, one will immediately feel better!! perhaps it's just me. haha...spent all my money on comics and jap food today. can't wait to go japan and EAT!!!! haha...it's so sad. i used to put 'i live to eat' as my motto. now it's 'i eat to live'...so sad. i think i lost quite a lot of weight. the last time i weighed myself i think i was 46kg. hmm....i think im glad but am unhealthy. haha...better lose and not gain right???? =D


so sucks. going to read comics now.



haha...shower first actually. i just reach hmoe not too long ago. hitched a ride from jan's dad. thank you uncle!! and jan!! =)


okay.


later!!! =)

Tangerine Dream

i almost forgot that i am a woman today. haha!!! my aunt came to visit today and told me that i am a woman. i was like staring blankly at her and thinking how come she's suddenly my aunt. haha...


i actually just wanted to blog that down. don't really have much of an evaluation to do today (eeks...*vomits*).


going to read comics now!!! =) now i have SO much time to myself that i have returned to my comics who will always be there for me. unless somebody burns them of course...i hope no one does that! hmm....have yet to put stagnant water beside my bed but i have slept with my windows open for the past few nights!!! i thought mosquitoes LOVE A+ blood? maybe i should put up an advertisement for the mosquitoes. haha...i wonder how do i do that? do they even have brains? hmm...i learnt that ants only have 4 chromosomes in their cells while we have 23. imagine that man! the sheer bad karma you accumulate to become something with only 4 chromosomes!


i think i have quietened down on my thoughts and have stopped being angry at nothing. that's good...means that i have ....erm. i just forgot what i wanted to say. oh! okay. wanted to say it means that i have stopped making a fool of myself. YAY! finally. haha...


but can it mean that i have moved out of my black phase???? cool...a very cool transition.


oh i just remembered that i have NO time to practice squash la! how?????????????


gonna lose SO badly...................................


man....


okay. going to read my wonderful now.


later =D

Raven

see that white patch of fur??? that is her TUMMY man...need to get for her trimfit. haha!!! i had thought she was pregnant la...she's lying around near me because she just wants me to feed her!! booboo...haha...she's my lovely companion, thank you very much. sometimes she sleeps with me. shhhhh........dnt tell anyone okay? =D *wink*

Remember when it rained

yesterday i had lots of fun with my dearest sister singing and grooving along to a couple of bands from her school. quite cool la...can't stand it. there were a few bands who were VERY fantastic. probably much better than that ronin band. much better. seriously.


anyway.


i have a worst fear. i found it today. i hope it never happens. haha...it is not failing promos. i saw something which i thought i wasn't meant to see today and my heart stopped when i thought i saw what i saw. i was numb after that. but when i finally got a closer look i realise it is not what i thought it was and my heart kind of relaxed. well...i think the way im writing it is like so obvious...im the queen of subtlety!!! not!!! haha...


my stomach is killing me man...


today is the 22nd of sept. it has been one month into my 17th year on earth and i don't see anything good happening. is this what the rest of my months of being 17 going to be like??? sigh....what the hell...


i wonder is there a way to communicate without talking. long distance. by "not talking" i mean not communicating through email...sms...morse code...signals...you know...through mediums you can see. well...i tried to communicate today...i focused very hard. but i have no idea if it worked because i had no response. maybe it just means it did not work. haha...or perhaps i didn't focus hard enough. i have no idea what to say too actually. and im actually afraid of the kind of response i'll get. maybe that is what is stopping my communication. hmm....going to try later.


yuck. my feet smells man...can't stand it.


i feel like listening to do as infinity. i miss my cds man...lost. just like that. freask. i don't get it man...my school is really quite small. like shit. there is no place you can hide there. promos are coming to an end!!!!! cant wait!!! still got 20 more days before promos OFFICIALLY ENDS!!! YAY!!! =D


and it has not started yet. haha!!!


im tired of analysing some shit that intelligent people have to say. questions like- explain what the author meant by....Please use your own words as much as possible- are shit man!!! stupid people...have too much time on their hands. why would i even want to analyse what the freask he/she is talking about? then why can't these STUPID MARKERS ANALYSE WHAT I AM SAYING? what qualifies people to give useful quotes? what makes famous people so quotable? rubbish la...stupid people with too much time on their hands. freask the govt. ha! see whether i will get arrested.


freask.


argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


cant stand it.


fear is like a virus. it is never destroyed. it lies just under the surface and it will break free whenever immunity is low. my immunity is currently quite low. emotionally la...wish it was the body kind.


hmm....shall put a basin of clean stagnant water beside my bed and sleep with all my windows open. haha...


i was thinking in the car today. will i die soon because of retribution? will i get to say that i saw the moth on my wall and i saw it blink at me? will i be afraid? actually, i think if is there retribution, dying is too easy. let's cross all my fingers and toes and hope if i get retribution i will die.


what the freask am i talking about. haha...



i have no idea whether im just joking or not. haha...go see this website. haha...very cute.


Everyone has had more sex than me

haha...it's not sexy. swear.


anyway.


going to shoo now...can't stand my feet smell.


dengue fever please come!!!! =D

If I had A hammer

i bet there are people who hate me...i really wish i can grow up and forgo this stage of growth totally. the seven months seemed like a complete dream. it had never happened. for past year i have been sleeping and making that dream up. i wish for the total eradication of the pain. i wish for the feeling to finalisation. i wish this didn't end so near promos. i wish i didn't have an exam to worry about and just concentrate on healing. i wish i had a heart of steel so i can stop caring totally and stop making a fool of myself. i wish i was an ice-queen. i wish i could control my emotions well. i wish i wish i wish...i wish i could find peace with myself. i wish i can forgive myself. i wish i can stop hurting the people i love. i wish i wasn't such a loner. i wish i can stop being so selfish and self-centered. i wish i can stop wasting people's time. i wish i knew how to stop. i wish i knew myself. i wish i knew what i want. i wish all my wishes could all come true.


im losing my identity. who am i?


i know only i can find it out myself. but right now, i feel like a total bitch who's no better than someone i despise totally. i have no backbone. i have no thoughts of my own. where is the previously supposedly strong person whom i always thought myelf to be? why am i being replaced by a coward who calls others a coward and don't mean what i say? when have i become such a two faced hypocrite? why am i always saying things to seek the attention of people? i wish i can stop. i don't want to give up because i want to be strong. emotionally and mentally. i want to stand up and proudly say that i did things my way. i don't want to go school and start shivering from fright and nervousness. i want to be happy. i don't my mouth to always look like this --> =( . i want to remain unknown to the people in my school...someone not at all important so i can pass my life quietly. i wish to pass promos.


i don't want to be such a failure.


i don't want to be a weakling.


i have to face the consequences for writing such a venomous entry. i have to face the fact that we are NEVER going to be back together because i had probably ruined whatever chance i had whenever i write something especially to hurt him on my blog. i have to face the fact that he doesn't want me anymore and i'll just be someone who had hurt him so much. this is a fact. i have to face it and move on. i can't be stuck here forever. i wish we could have a heart to heart talk like last time. but that's the point isn't it? things are never going to go back to like last time. he probably finds me such an irritant. things can't be undone once done. the only way i can go about doing it is to move my focus to something else...


it's raining heavily now...something that is rare...


i wish i can adhere to what im saying.


is there anyone out there willing to kill me or if not kill then hit me till i pass out from the pain? i think physical pain will be more bearable than emotional pain.


i have wasted time. again.


sigh...


will blog more next time.

Hold On

me and my lovely yiyun!! =) don't know what i'll do without you. i had a great day today and yesterday! im glad i met up with you to study. you help me forget most things and give me a very strong sense of security. haha...


i really hope nothing bad will happen to our friendship.


i love you!! =D


i love er jie too!! =D

Make A Move

i think my theory that one is only attracted to another who's face looks like them holds true. even if it isn't my theory, i believe it.


if you don't believe, look at your boy/girlfriend or take a couple picture. look at both of your faces and analyse closely. you will realise you closely resemble your mate though you guys don't look alike at all. notice closely!!!


if your mate don't look like you at all or if you just can't find any similar features on your faces, im sorry but both of you will break up. sooner or later. trust me. i've noticed couples and each of their faces (only on pictures of course...they are the easiest). Most long lasting ones look alike. don't believe? go have a look.


i think people are attracted to others who look like them because they are most comfortable with their own faces. as in, if one is with a person who does not look like him/her at all, he/she will feel uncomfortable. i think this applies to friends and even family members. the more alike you guys look, the more comfortable you guys will feel with each other. i guess this explains part of why some people just can't be on good terms with their siblings or parents, and why some just can't fit in with others. example, i can't seem to be myself when im with some girls in my class. in fact, im most comfortable with my family, yiyun , janice, nad and tiffany (and augustine). seldom can i mix well with others. okay. analyse nad and i:




don't you find that we look a little alike?? okay. what about erm...me and yi yun:




again, notice the similarity. erm what okay...i hope charlyn and joanne don't kill me but here's a picture of them. they are both quite close in class:




how??? still don't believe??? i have yet to take a proper picture with jan so no prove. yet. erm what about me and augustine? hmmm....




do we look alike? you cannot deny the fact that we do look similar...or perhaps i can't see it. what about you? what do you think?


i got the idea when 8 days came out with an article that allan wu and wong lilin look like each other and fann wong and chris lee too. thus if this is not my theory then...too bad.. haha...


perhaps this is already an established theory but i have realised it without reading about it. or perhaps this is my theory. haha...if it is then i'll be happy to have something i can call my own. however, if someone as common as me can realise this i think there will already be someone else who have realised this earlier. and have researched and published a journal on this theory.


go see your parents' faces!! you will be a bit freaked out. haha...


this is a picture of my siblings and i...we all look quite similar like we should...we VERY VERY seldom have fights with each other...perhaps once a year?? =)




compare my erjie and i. we look VERY alike right?




hmmm...does that explain why we are so close? me and yiyun, nad, tiff (and august) too...


i'll end off with a picture of my parents and i. hope this is enlightening. haha!!! i think you guys will have actually known. only i have not. haha...

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire (haha!!!)

me and tiffany!! doesn't she just look so beautiful???haha...im not joking.

miss u babe!

Dosed

i am quite tired man...=)


drifting between being such a despo and being a monster. haha...


im just waiting for promos to pass...waiting...waiting...waiting...


it's going to be what im good at man!! haha... i signed up for squash 2 days ago...it's for the interhouse games. dno whether i'll like lose horribly or something. all of them who joined are squash members la!! haha...going to train very hard after promos..have to buy the shoes first!! haha...haven't buy the shoes yet...hmmm...


time really pass quite fast when im doing something other then studying...=> studying lengthens the time and make it seem like time is VERY long. haha!!!


going off now...


type more next time


later

Fake

i'd just like to say that all the pictures you guys first see when you read my blog are all 100% mine. as in i took them. if you do find it nice and would like to have a copy of it by simply saving it into your com you can do so (haha...like so bhb). but please tell me first okay??? =D i'd really appreciate it. =D

Anaylse

i just witnessed something that made me think for quite some time. okay. not so long la...in one hour?? haha.. anyway. it was an overturned taxi. it'll most probably come up in the news later. i mean not many taxis in singapore actually overturn in the middle of the road right...plus the road only have like 2 lanes and the taxi was lying on the right lane, away from the pavement.


what's so scary about that right? oh did i mention that i was a bit freaked out? okay. i was. for like 5 minutes (hehe!). the main reason why i wanted to type this down is because i wanted to say that singaporeans are indeed very sheltered. and very lucky.


in places like southern thailand and iraq, violence is evident everyday in their lives. everyday we hear about bombings...terrorist activities...all these have made us feel like it's normal to see them everyday. but do we truly understand the pain, the instability which the people living there feel? of course we don't. i have always thought i could imagine the pain and thought that perhaps i do understand. but today, i finally realise that i don't. not even close to understanding. so when political leaders say they understand, they don't even come close.


seeing that overturned car in reality, which is common in movies, tv shows and newspaper, has given me the creeps. what if the person in that car was my family members? or me? it was smashed up. the space where the backseat had been was flat. there can be no possible way the passenger in the backseat had survived. but i think it had only been the driver. i really hope he or she is okay.


i felt that i needed to blog this because i think i will forget about it. maybe even by tomorrow, i will have already forgotten what it feels like to be up close.


i don't ever want to be a forensic scientist or police anymore. shows like CSI are bad. they cause youth like me to think being a forensic scientist is a very easy job to do, to get. now that im studying chemistry and being very bad at it, i FINALLY realise that those people up there on tv (or rather the characters in the show) are VERY smart. not only are they smart, they are the cream of the crop. being the first to arrive at the crime scene, they have to witness the full "glory" of the crime/accident. the police too. but the forensic scientists have to investigate the cause of it. can you imagine the immense psychological wall they have to erect in order to not get affected emotionally by it? i read a novel by micheal connelly, the poet, and there was one line that really caught my attention. he said that in every one of the people working in the field in the police force, there is a limit. this limit is the number of dead bodies you can tahan. everyone's number is different. it could be 20, 1000, 10 000 or even a million, but you will never know what is your number until you hit it. when you do, you will either commit suicide or turn in your badge and do something different. it's probably not his theory...but anyway, i find that i agree with this theory. there is only so much you can take. i don't understand what it'll feel like to see someone's brain lying somewhere on the floor but i hope i will never get to see it.


i think im getting no where. sigh...it's amazing how rapid the brain works in deleting the memory which one does not want to remember. i have already forgotten what it is like to sit next to augustine. to smell him. to hold his hand. to talk to him comfortably. to go out with him. to hug him. to be hugged by him...i know the memory is in me. but i can no longer feel the memories. to draw comfort in it. it's sad. i have even forgotten how he had hurt me. i have forgotten why in the first place i want to hurt him and how i had wished that he could understand me more. why did i do all the hurting things to him without even realising it? or even if i did, why didn't i try to change? why??? i don't know. it's sad that i'll probably never get the chance to try again. oh well. people move on too fast. the ability to get over something bad is fast and scary. how to know how much to forget and how much to keep? i guess one learns with age.


my theory is that men only finally mature when they are 50 years old. or even 60. depends on the man i guess. when i mean mature i mean when they FINALLY know how to appreciate their wife, the importance of a family and an education, how to think for others, you know...things most women will already know by the time they are 30.


im not a feminist. in fact, i do think men are superior in certain aspects. such as physical strength, emotional strength (but some men are women-like. that's sad. an example is er jie's ex-friend. his name starts with an s. oh man. so suiting. haha!!! he is an ass. okay lame), and in certain subjects such as physics, chemistry and history. it also can't be helped that there ARE gender bias-ness in politics. i am one of those who find that a woman in politics means instability to the country. so if there is a woman candidate running for prime minister or heading a political party, i will not vote for her unless she is the ONLY candidate who seems trustworthy.


yes, i will not deny that i am conservative and i freely admit i am not an extreme feminist. i am, however, thankful that because there are women who are extremist, that is why i am able to have an education today. someone has to be extreme first in order for people like me to remain neutral. we therefore should not condemn terrorists that much because good things HAVE been generated because of their appearance. good things such as awareness, better security, better government policies and better government. of course there are other things good that are generated but i can't think of any more.


however, i MUST STRESS that changes through a medium like this is NOT good. because THOUSANDS ( or maybe even MILLIONS) have INNOCENTLY lost their lives just so we can have all these better things. i mean are these better things really WORTH those lives lost??? definately not.


oh man...this is such a long entry.


alright. will vomit more philosophical thoughts next time.


later.

Slowly fading fast

i just woke up. ha...


i just woke up feeling extremely frustrated to the point where i have to tell someone what im feeling. what's better than something that doesn't say much right???


sigh...


i woke up asking myself WHAT i want to do with my life. i just realised that i don't like to think. i'd very much rather work as a nurse or at SPCA you know? i mean why do i take bio/chem when i have not much interest in them? i was just kidding myself. i mean these subjects will most probably be something im going to take in university you know. if i really don't want to do them anymore in university then im just wasting everybody's time and most importantly, money. i mean it'll come from one person, that'll be my father. he worked so hard with only one motive, that is, to see all his children attain their full education because where in this world can you survive without any education??? i think he wants a break from all those stressful things that comes with his job. i bet he misses us all too. but because there's 4 of us, he has to work hard and his only motivation is that we're working hard too. cool...now i understand.


i don't want to make any mistakes in my life at this moment because this is my father's hard earned money im playing with. one part of me feels this way but the other is telling not to give up. it's saying im just not facing up to my fears and am giving up without a fight. which is the right voice? which should i listen to??? argh!!!!


I DON'T WANT TO LEARN SOME STUPID THEORY ABOUT THE VAN DER WAALS OR SOME STUPID SHIT!!!! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT PERFECT COMPETITION OR WHAT MRP THEORY OF WAGE DISCRIMINATION IS!!! WHATEVER!!!! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THEM ANYWAY!!!! SO MANY F**KING THOERIES!!! WHAT THE F**K LA!!!!!WHY CAN'T LIFE BE STRAIGHT FORWARD??? STUPID COUNTRY WITH ALL IT'S STUPID STRESSES!!! *ROAR*


i don't feel much better man...feel like roaring more. haha...my lion is acting up.


i wonder what is at the nursing course. haha...going to find out about it now.


man...very obvious im running from my problems. argh!!! im sick with this double thinking at the SAME time!!!!


okay. cool, calm, collected. breathe.......


ahhhh....


i don't feel better. sigh.


okay. don't waste time.


blog more next time??


later

Nine Crimes

oh man...


help...


you know, i like damien rice, courtesy of my sister..


would like to take more pictures! wish we had taken more..


anyway..


when we do start over...will we start at gound zero?or will we continue where we left off?


oh man...


shall stop thinking of this kinds of thoughts.


any guys who want me?? anyone?? any guy who's very interested in my character and sincerely wants to know more about me???


haha...just read keshia's blog and she wrote this:


S-A-D = Single And Desperate


haha!! i think im currently in this category..


you know, i always say things to contridict myself. im really trying to curb myself. how?? how?? to stop this problem?? i think im really trying to say what i really think. it's just my thoughts don't have a definate form. they are like water, changing every minute. there's not a time where i really feel strongly about something and will stick to that thought. i think that's bad. this means that i'll be in trouble in the future. that's why when people ask what i think, i have a real big trouble opening my mouth and give what i think. because what i say might not really show how and what i feel about the issue. you know how you have to be careful with words because of the nuances.


which is why i prefer to write down my feelings. which may look to some people as a bit pathetic right..but i really have trouble solidifying my thoughts. i don't know how to think and talk unrashly. argh!! virgo rising clashing with leo sun head on.


wish i can find my balance.


oh man...this damien rice song sounds quite funny. haha...it has lyrics like "i look to my eskimo friend.." and now it has an opera singer singing about eskimos. haha!!! hilarious.


speaking of hilarious, i know im being very mean but it's just so funny!! haha...


the other day at suntec, my sis and i were going home and we were going down the escalator. so there was this woman in front of us. haha....she was wearing this really tight silver spandax 3 quarts which showed the full glory of her bountiful butt.


haha!!!!


it was overflowing man!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!


so bad right...i know..i just felt quite embarassed for her but at the same time, a little admiration for her courage. this woman felt confident of her own body enough to wear something SO DARN tight it looks like she wasn't wearing any pants at all. (sorry for the visual) but... i don't know...perhaps it's because im actually conservative at heart..i think one should only wear clothes which makes one look and feel beautiful. very superficial right...can you see the western influence??haha...now i feel so superficial...opps..wait a minute. i am superficial! haha..don't need to feel.


i want to go taiwan or china again with my family. father included. i miss going around feeling like i truly belong in the family. not that i don't feel like i belong now. i mean...the feeling where you don't have to worry about studies...work...and just enjoy being in a big family. you know...eating, sleeping...doing most of everything together..plus having my dad as the tour guide..it's just very fun..no restrictions like going in a tour group will have. it either that or going on a holiday with only a tour guide and a driver. like what my mom, sis, bro and i had when we went beijing 2 years ago.. oh man...how time passes. 2 years already. feels like yesterday. or last year. but no... last year i fell sick. all the way till school reopened. opps...i fell sick when i went beijing too..haha!! such coincidence. let's hope i'll fall sick this year too!! =D


i miss falling sick. serious.


i have been wondering...if i fall sick during my promos and fail it. it'll be such a waste. i don't want to go poly. but i don't mind going la'selle actually. haha...but i don't have much of a portfolio. in fact, i have none. what are my career choices? forensic science just doesn't hold it's appeal anymore. business??possible...but because i want to rebel from my father, i don't know if i really can do business. don't have that entrepreneur spirit. plus. i don't want to do something that's just full of STUPID THEORIES.


all crap. really. ARGH....


the love-hate relationship of being born in singapore. funny cuz i really don't have the desire to stay in this country. alright. if i stay here for the next twenty years, odds of permantly staying are extremely high. especially if i have kids by then. sigh...also, there are the monetory issues..


argh!!!


sigh...


okay...have vomited my thoughts out for today. starting school in less than 48 hours. *shudders*


okay okay..


later =)

Papercut

this is a erm tribute to us. of what it could have been today. if u remember what day is today.

i didn't mean to put my face in the middle. it was unintentional.

remember to study hard! =)

Tiny Little Fractures

i feel enlightened. im glad i called him just now. we have reached a common understanding and for the first time i feel that we can really be friends. that it really is possible.


well we really do love each other. i understand what he is feeling and what he thinks actually...its just...i guess i was still selfish. i really need to grow up man...im glad i took a first step in realising it.


how can i say something but not contridict myself?hmmm...


i love you, erjie. thanks for always being there for me.

Breathing

I just sent him an email not long ago. I feel really pathetic. I wish I can move on. really. I mean I returned him the things he gave me. Sigh. cant seem to concentrate on the things that im supposed to do now, which is work and studies.


I hate this. .Feel it is very irritating. Always hanging on. never letting go. Where is the feeling of finalisation I felt yesterday?


So shitty .


All this because he said he loves me. Argh!!!


Well I love you too okay?


Please reply to the email asap. I need to focus on my work. I can't if this continues.


Thanks!

"From The Inside"


I don't know who to trust no surprise
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts sift through dust and the lies


(Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit)
(Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet)
(All I ever think about is this)
(All the tiring time between)
(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)


[Chorus]
Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you


Tension is building inside steadily
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts forcing their way out of me


(Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit)
(Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet)
(All I ever think about is this)
(All the tiring time between)
(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)


[Chorus]
Take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time I won't trust myself with you
I won't waste myself on you
You
You
Waste myself on you
You
You


I'll take everything from the inside and throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you
Everything from the inside and just throw it all away
Cuz I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you
You
You


this is for the both of us. good luck for your promos.